Me: slightly depressed, unhappy, navel gazing. W: Felt like she had to pull the weight in our R. Had an A last summer. Quite simply, we both stopped trying to put each other first and despite a lot of love between us, we let it slip away.
More details -- and a lot of good advice that I could have followed more effectively, in the two links above.
August 16
Today was divorce mediation day. Was a little late getting there, traffic was slower than normal due to rain. W was in lobby when I arrived. Me; a little stunned and distant. Smiled, said good morning. Minimal eye contact. Gave myself a mental nudge to not be an a$$ or problematic, after all, we really do agree on how we're going to split things.
The mediator was very nice. He began by asking a little background. I gave a brief overview of how I felt, still in love, think our problems are mostly communication issues, had an epiphany a few weeks ago and really realize what my W needs in a H and think that I can give it to her. We're here because she thinks otherwise. Didn't mention the A.
W echoed and confirmed my points.
He then asked if we had tried councelling. I said yes, but I think she just allowed us to express how we felt at that time without giving us a viable path to the future. W said it was valuable in that it allowed her to express her feelings, but that she thought I was basically right.
Mediator went on to say a few interesting things: 1. In his experience, most M councelling doesn't work for the same reasons I gave and that it's hard to find someone good, 2. He's had clients begin the path to D and decide to reconcile, literally on the courthouse steps in one instance, and 3. That in a study that he say that most couples who stayed married after a rough patch rather than divorcing were happier than couples who had divorced. I about fainted with delight. Wasn't really looking at my W, but she was listening and without her pissed off look that she gets when she doesn't want to hear something.
I was already in a better mood, as my tea was kicking in about now, but those tidbits perked me up. Won't bore you with the details, but we sorted out the custody arrangement and made progress on the financial stuff. We'll go back for an hour next Tues and after that he'll draw up the agreement. Weird, this conversation sucked, but it was pleasant. Managed to laugh a few times at a few jokes I made.
Voluntary versus contested (that's not the legal word) separation is required in Maryland. One year, versus two after which the separation agreement becomes a legally binding document on which the D is based (or something like that). I told him even though I don't want it, I'll agree to voluntary because she does.
I only lost my cool once. I was unprepared for this. He said that some couples have written agreements on introducing new dates/partners to the children -- only after 6 months, no sleepovers when the kids are there, etc. I lost my cool for a few minutes, said I know that I can't control her dating, nor want to (we both said that we're not interested in dating now anyway), but that I don't want OM around our girls. He's a piece of poop and I don't want someone like that as an example for my kids. Someone who's cheated on his W twice with co-workers and how many others is not the example I want set for my Ds. W was looking a little defensive at this. Mediator said something about not being able to control who my W dates. I said, well, you aren't going to date him anyway. She responded with, "I never sadi that, just that I don't feel about him like I used to" Not a huge fan of that statement, but let it slide and we moved on after agreeing to not put anything in writing because we both agree that the other is going to do what's in the best interest of the girls when introducing someone to them.
After we left, I called her. She was right behind me, so stuck my hand out of the window with the phone. Apologized for bringing him into it as it was really relevant to anything. She said thanks for calling.
And, there we are. I'll be looking for an apartment. Target is to be out by end of Sept, maybe earlier. She agreed not to rush me into moving into a crappy neighborhood.
Went better than I expected. Still stinks. Still hopeful that her heart will change. Just going to totally focus on myself now, and the girls of course. Because we don't want to pay for daycare and I work at home, I'll see them everyday anyway since I'll be watching them after school.
It will get better,
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
