I did bring the topic of Retrouvaille up yesterday with my wife but she is not interested...Sadly, that is not the direction she plans to take.
Hi CY,
I am sorry to hear that your wife is not interested in attending Retrouvaille. Do you think she might be willing to speak on the phone with one of the facilitators? I have read a couple of persons on this DB forum say that their spouse agreed to go after he/she got a better idea of what the weekend was all about.
I am trying to decide how much longer to wait before I talk to my wife about Retrouvaille again. The Boston area weekend is still 5 weeks away and I don't want to pressure her into a decision too soon, but I also want to reserve a space for us if there is a chance.
I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
Its probably too early to tell her that. I did receive a brochure in the mail and I still have it but she is not interested in saving this marriage. She is waiting for a full time position before she files.
I could ask her if she wanted to speak to someone or look at the brochure but she will say no. I suppose I could leave it out for her but she will not read it. I pray for a miracle that God will convert her. If she saw herself as God sees her, then she will recognize herself. But she is not willing to attend a weekend to save a marriage. how sad!
...I could ask her if she wanted to speak to someone or look at the brochure but she will say no. I suppose I could leave it out for her but she will not read it. I pray for a miracle that God will convert her. If she saw herself as God sees her, then she will recognize herself. But she is not willing to attend a weekend to save a marriage. how sad! Rocco
Is is sad.
Maybe leaving the brochure out where she might choose to look at it on her own initiative, is a possibility. It might be the mustard seed which takes root, if that is God's will in your wife's life.
My 2 1/2 year old nephew is named Rocco, but I have not been able to see him in about 6 months because my BIL/SIL have not invited me over to their home since my wife separated from me. It's like the 20 years I've been a friendly and respectful brother-in-law to them doesn't matter anymore. I am suddenly cut off from their lives.
There are so many facets to separation and divorce which are so very sad.
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
It wouldn't do any good to leave the brouchure or phone number out. My wife has never taking my advice on anything. I've had to take hers more then I care to.
The only one who probably could convince her is her mom which is unlikely because they are wary of me too. At my kids birthday party this past May, my mom her my mother-in-law tell my wife "Why don't you just leave him?"
Obviously, she didn't know my mom was in the kitchen at the time she said it.
Thank you so much for all the info on the Retrouville weekend, my h and I are going in Septemember, and I am so hopeful this will be the step in the right direction we will need. I so hope that we can attain the level of honesty that you speak of, there have been so many lies and half truths that I so hope that we really take to this and build a true and good marriage.
Thanks again for the info
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I am so happy to hear that you are going. Please let us know how things go for you there. My experience was really wonderful. It would be nice to get a few different people telling their experiences, even if some are not wonderful.
I hope you can get past the lies. Everything you talk about will be your feelings. Feelings should not be lies, but I know every experience is different. I cannot predict.
You are taking action. No matter what this will help. It cannot hurt the relationship. You have built a life for 17 years. Certainly it is worth a weekend of focused work to avoid throwing it all away!
Good luck. Keep the boat steady till you get there. The other spouse often gets cold feet beforehand. The hardest part is walking in the door. After that it's really both easy and enjoyable.
Feel free to write with questions if you have any. I'm happy to answer.
W is proceeding with D. She is very sure and I could tell that this has become something that she's somewhat okay with. She really believes it is the answer. She is not bluffing and she is not acting in anger. She has told me that she will always love me, but she simply cannot move past the hurt.
Because of her calm, caring tone, I thought I might as well throw out the Retrouvaille idea. She said that she would consider it...Seriously consider it. But she said she doesn't want me to pay that kind of money if she's going to just be pissed to be there all weekend. I asked her to just think of it as one last resort. If she really loved me and really wished that we weren't in this sitch, then 3 days seems a small price to pay. I told her that I would want her to open up to the ideas and really participate and have an open mind about what could happen. I also told her that if she didn't get anything from the weekend, I wouldn't push for the follow-up sessions.
She is 100% convinced that she can't get over the hurt that I've caused her. IMO, the hurt that I've caused is fairly small and can easily be overcome with a little help. I understand that it's very deep, and it comes down to her having the feeling that I stopped loving her and that she wasn't good enough for me. While I know that's serious, I believe that it can be overcome. I don't see that as a M killer. She needs some help to let go of the past and forgive.
First question: How do they help a spouse like my W to get past the hurt? There's still a lot of love there, but she is hurt and angry.
Second question: Any idea of how to gently "push" her? I don't want to guilt her into it and I don't want her to feel pushed. I just need her to feel like it isn't a waste of time. It seems like she's almost on-board.
It's my understanding that both partners have to have some desire to fix their M. I know that, on some deep level, she does. But she feels like it is impossible.
Third question: If she is feeling pretty defensive and is not entirely willing to work, will Retrouvaille still help? If she has the attitude that it cannot help, can it?
EAA, Sounds like I running step in step with you. After our converstation last night, it sounds like my W is committed to proceeding with D or mediation. I need to follow up on your thread, so I'm not sure what the hurt is she feels you caused, but in my case, she says she has just fallen out of love and has been that way for a long time. She also has no desire to try to fix it or work on things. I've thought about Retrouvaille also, but I doubt that I could get her there at this point.
I'm sorry you are at the point you are at. I know how depressing it is. But you have offered a very good solution. I hope that your wife will agree to give Retrouvaille a chance. All they ask is that you go "with an open mind and a willing heart". And I know from experience, 1/2 the hearts in that room on Friday night were not very willing at all, but they were there. It is not 3 days though, it is less than 48 hours, from 7 on Friday night til 5 on Sunday afternoon.
If you call the number of your local Retrouvaille group listed on the website, http://www.retrouvaille.org, they will send you some information which you can show your wife. Retrouvaille is for troubled marriages or divorced couples considering reconciliation.
I think you are right, within the context of Retrouvaille, your wife could move beyond the hurt she has experienced. It is amazing what people can overcome! I consider it akin to the body healing after a serious injury -- most times all that remains is a faint scar; when broken bones heal there is nothing visible at all. We need to let our emotions heal just as well. So many times we hold onto the hurt for so long, and don't allow healing. These accumulated hurts destroy the marriage. Retrouvaille is a place for emotional healing.
The exact way that the healing takes place is still a mystery to me though. Part of it is by example. When you listen to the presenting couples tell their stories, and you see the pain in their faces when they describe the hell that their marriages had become, you know exactly what they felt. And when they talk about what they did to heal the pain, and you see the love they have for each other in their eyes, then you know that it is more than possible. It is right there in front of you. For me, I just had a thought, why can't we be like that? I want to be like them! And I guess my husband had the same thought. If you follow along in their footsteps, and do what they tell you to do, it works.
When we arrived Friday night, everyone looked tense and frightened. By dinner on Saturday, couples were strolling around with arms around each other, smiling and laughing. What a difference!
I hope your wife will take the chance and do the weekend. It can only help you; it cannot hurt, no matter what you choose to do after that.
Don't give up hope. You have 2 young children who deserve parents willing to try to give them an intact family. Even if your wife won't do it for you, or herself, ask her to do it for them. It is only 1 weekend, and a pleasant one at that. Have you suggested it yet?
