Madonna/Whore Complex (part 7)

[Kettricken]

I dunno, Cobra. Idealistically, I agree with you, but doesn't it take a superhuman love to fully transcend all the betrayals and disappointments Heywyre has experienced and continues to experience in her marriage?

It seems to be setting the bar a bit high to imply that it's never enough to do something loving out of a sense of duty/commitment to one's vows as opposed to purely out of love in your heart. Again, I agree that this would be desirable, but some days/years it's just not feasible. Sometimes your commitment to each other (which is in part a commitment to one's own values) is the only thing that keeps you focused on holding up your end when all you really want to do is either rip their hair out or max out a credit card and flee to Fiji.

I agree that it may not be loving, helpful, or necessary to *voice* to your partner that the only reason you are staying is because you don't want to compromise your own principles, otherwise you would happily leave without looking back. Especially to someone with abandonment fears.

On the other hand, sometimes that may be *exactly* what they need to hear. Especially if they have entrenched themselves behind "This is the way I am; deal with it."

Heywyre, I so hear you. It is a constant source of amazement to me that many people who would throw 17 kinds of conniption fit and call their lawyer if their mate were to have sex with someone else seem to think nothing of trangessing "love, honor, cherish" etc on a regular if not daily basis. It's a package deal, boys and girls. Where your genitals go isn't the most important part, it's just the most easily quantifiable. (rant ends)

On the other hand .... you are under a *lot* of stress right now, extra stress and fear and grief for your brother. I don't know if this is what's happening with you, but in my experience, we tend to transfer completely-outside-our-control external or unique stress right into our most common (one might even say "comfortable", as in well known) source of stress and grief. Your relationship problems sit right in front of you with a big bright red target on them, and it's really easy to channel angst from other areas right along those familiar pathways.

I would suggest that you try to detach from your emotions about your relationship as much as possible right now, and let everything else in your life play out and settle down for awhile, then see where you are.