I can’t argue with the frustration you feel. That’s a weekly feeling for me too.
That has been the story of his life since day one (having been given up for adoption and then not bonding with his adoptive mother - ST feels this is where it ALL stems from). That coupled with a handful of very bad relationships and what do you have? My H
Hard to see how your ST would be wrong about this. It seems your H has felt alone his whole life and does not know what it feels like to be wanted and accepted. His FOO explains a lot. Even though it is hard, try to see in his story what it is that HE did wrong. He was victimized as a child. All he really wants is to be protected like the other kids in is youth. That is part of his lesson, to let that past go and find protection within himself and with you. (I wouldn’t even get into the healthy, differentiated person as an objective for him. With severe abandonment issues like he has, I think true differentiation is too much for him to handle, at least for a few years.)
But, instead of saying that, I have on numerous occasions (too many to count) that one of the many reasons I have stayed in this R is because I don't want to be the next one of his list of statistics that abandoned him.
I believe in our marriage and I feel too many people give up and don't fight for what they believe in. They are all too willing to accept the "better" but not the "worst" - those are the vows I took 18 years ago and I still feel as strong about them today as I did then.
Can you see that there is another unspoken message in your statement? Sure you say a good thing in that you are willing to stand by him and stick with the marriage (which should be comforting to him), but you aren’t doing it out of love, rather you do it out of obligation to the marriage vows. That puts your obligations to the vows (which is really you focusing on you) over your love for him. That puts you on the moral high ground, only further wounding his self esteem. I think Mojo’s exH felt this too, which may be part of why he would say he could tell if Mojo made him dinner with our without love.
However, there is only so long someone can live without the physical and emotional connection which is also part of the vows - is it not? (to love and to cherish)
True, but it shouldn’t have anything to do with vows, IMO.
