Okay, I'm trying to detach completely, but just had a little relapse and wanted to say this here since I just posted it regarding something on waw1978's thread. The lack of control over my M is really getting to me right now:
My changes have not changed my W's mind, and she still wants to proceed with the D. I'm torn between how much it has to do with her new BF, and how much it has to do with the fact that she just plain doesn't love me anymore (BF or not). I also wonder if she will ever feel love for me again, given the constistent and permanent changes in me and my R with her. It's been 9 months, and it honestly does scare me that she will never love me again no matter what I do. Can a person who spent a decade with you, experienced so much (both good and bad) with you, decided to have children with you, etc, really just walk away and never love you again? Can the damage I've done really be that severe and cause such permanent lack of love?
This is crazy! I wish she could see, would see, how much she means to me and how much good this experience has done for me and therefore could do for our R/M. If she would just give us another chance. I wonder if she really does not love me anymore, or if it more the fear of being hurt again, of us getting into the same rut again, etc, that keeps her holding strong in her decision to D. I WISH I COULD JUST KNOW WHAT SHE IS FEELING AND THINKING! She has never really opened up to me about this at all since the bomb, and not having this knowledge really doesn't allow me to have the kind of closure I feel I need to completely move on. I just need to know, but don't think I can ask her again -- I've done it before and to no avail.
Bottom line, this crap sucks. Okay, I feel better already (but I still mean everything I just said).
