I loved Chica's Mars/Venus thread and so in that spirit, I would like to generate another discussion and get some feedback.
Those of you who follow sports may have heard of Pat Summitt, UT Women's Basketball Coach. Winningest coach in women's college basketball, leads all college coaches in trips to the Final Four, second only to Wooden in National Championships.
This morning it was announced that she has filed for divorce from her husband of 27 years, RB Summitt. Those of us who are Vol fans have marvelled at this marriage over the years, how this good looking man appeared so supportive and proud of this woman, how he adored her, how he admired from afar as she stood in the limelight, but always there, always cheering, always rooting for her.
Rumors in Knoxvegas are flying, some say she is having an affair, some say he did first.
So I pose the question to you, as the friend who emailed this news this morning asked me, why can't people stop before they go off the cliff?
Why is it easier to have an affair than to tell your spouse of 27 years that your needs are not being met in the marriage?
Why is the affair the easier choice?
And within this subject, someone said on the Mars/Venus thread that women check out of the marriage, decide they are through, and then have the affair. Men have the affair and then decide that they are through with the marriage.
I thought that was consistent with what I observed back in the old days when I did divorce work. The women clients who came to me were done but rarely involved with someone else. The men were not motivated to be divorced unless there was someone else.
So folks, what say you, why is an affair the path of least resistance?
I don't think that Puffy would of left, if it wasn't for the HO.
I think the validation she gave/gives is like candy for a kid.
I am not being conceited but I have been hit on while things were good with Puffy, and while things were not so good with puffy. I think The thought of my kids always crossed my mind, and the fact that I could never disrespect puffy like that.
I do have a female friend that had an affair. Her H just checked out of the marriage, he would not speak to her. He just checked out. Someone gave her attention, and she went for it.
It lasted a while, I didn't know until after she did it.
I felt different towards her, I didn't talk to her for a while, I was shocked.
Now, I understand her better. I don't agree with it, but I am not so quick to judge, if that makes sense?
Quote:
why can't people stop before they go off the cliff?
I think they don't see the cliff. They see the pretty picture above the cliff, they have not seen the big drop. They don't want to see the big drop.
Quote:
Why is the affair the easier choice?
Maybe b/c of the thrill? The thrill was easier than sitting down with your spouse of how ever many years and saying Hey, wassup with us?
And to think ,that, that dumb thrill, throws even the smartest of people for a loop.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Not knowing that particular case, but.....(as I am never one to keep my very opinionated opinion to myself!)
I honestly believe (so, stone me) that many men in particular are fairly, um, well, I don't know how to say this. Kind of dumb and trusting? I mean when they are romantically or want to be romantically involved. (which is what Lissie was saying)
I honestly believe that my husband specifically "slid" into an affair with some chick from work. Thinking he could and would "help" her with whatever her problem was. Shirley Glass actually says that "good Marriages" are more at risk than bad, because many believe that a good marriage is an innoculation against an affair.
And it ain't.
Yes, I'll post the link again. It's a fascinating book.
Annie - there is an amazing article on Infidelity by Frank Pittman. Can't remember the title, and I am not on my usual computer, but he gave a whole raft of reasons for affairs, and most of them are not exit affairs. Woman usually think harder about having affairs, because it means more to them [OK generalisation, bound to be counter examples]. Men in MLC - mild or severe, are looking for diversion, escape from their humdrum lives. They want the excietement of being in love, and the adrenalin rush. Plus they are worried about potency and so on. Lots of people cannot be attracted to two people simultaneously, so if they are having an affair they think they can't be 'in love' with their spouse, and aren't forward thinking enough to see that the affair might end. SInce many affairs last up to 2 years you can see where all this is leading.
I blame the western thinking that focuses on romantic love, rather than companionship, trust, and deep mutual ties that underlie successfullong marriages. Most people who were happily married and divorce regret it [apparently]. We need as a society to do a major rethink on marraige family and divorce. I wouldn'twant to go back to punitive situations, but I would like to see mariage treated with more respect than it is today. Gosh I sound like ann old fogey. But it is a Christian sacrament, and a major life commitment.
I have had both male and female friends have affairs and I think that it does really boil down to attention.
I think it is really hard (fro ridiculous and even more ridiculous reasons) to tell someone...hey...I need more attention.We want to say it in a way that doesn't make us seem (god-forbid)needy and we don't necessarily want them to feel bad and I think that our society or upbringings or whatever makes us feel like we SHOULDN'T be needy,persay.
Like...I want someone to whip out there wallet whenever we go out...not because I can't pay and not because I won't fight for the bill but just to know that someone can provide for me...but how do you say that without sounded like June Cleaver. So...then you let it stew and think that they don't even KNOW you and they probably never knew you and....
get my drift?
we don't want to sound dumbd so we tend to gloss over our own little idiosyncracies (how the crap do you spell that...sorry...phonetic it out)
we tuck it all in and day after day of tucking it in, well it piles up and then it overflows and then we are susceptible to the first person who ponies up on one of our ticks.....
Good marriage and long marriages are not for wimps. They aren't for the "committed non-monogamist" WTF does that mean anyways?
And it goes back to property and territory and blah blah blah.
Enough of that.
Yep, easier. You, BA, heard me kvetch enough about the marriage laws to know that I was amazed at how no one cared about anything. "Nah, the judge won't care" is something I heard from my lawyer enough to make me scream.
Didn't actually scream but.....
Crikey, you should hear the sexist remarks floating in my head right now. Gotta purge!
