I understand about you needing to take care of your brother, but you need to think long-term also and make sure you take care of you & H as well! You've put too much effort into your M to allow it to fall apart now. Make sure you are taking the time you need to focus on you, your H and your M as well right now.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
But the pressure is off for the time being. I just talked to my brother's doctor and they are keeping him in there for at least another couple of days
However, now my H's daughter wants to meet with him (alone) and have a "talk" without her H or me present. I kinda know what this is about and I am, once again, in the middle and concerned
Does this ever end???
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Hang in there. I so know -- easier said than done -- believe me and sometimes it seems like it's just 'always something!!'
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well yesterday was NOT a good day. It was our last session with the ST (at least for a while - October, maybe) because he feels he has taken us as far as he possibly can at this point.
He feels our marriage is definitely salvageable and knows we both love each other but says the R is still "very shaky" and unless both people are willing to work together, there's not a chance it will survive.
He also told H that he felt I was giving it my all emotionally and physically to try and save this M but that H was resisting to the point there was nothing else he could do. ST felt H really didn't want to do anything about it
Our only other alternative is ST referred H (only) to who he considers to be a "more experienced" psychologist in the field of "Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy" (if anyone is interested, you can read up about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intensive_s...achment_Trauma)
So, for the time being, it's out of my hands and, quite frankly, I am about to throw in the towel anyway. I am getting to the point where I am just to exhausted to fight, or even care, anymore
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Sorry you've reached this spot, Heywyre... can't really blame you. It's exhausting when you're doing both sides yourself...
You said
Quote:
So, for the time being, it's out of my hands and, quite frankly, I am about to throw in the towel anyway. I am getting to the point where I am just to exhausted to fight, or even care, anymore
When your H picks up on the fact that you are REALLY here, that will be his opportunity to step up to the plate.
LP - I think he has stepped up to the plate, in the only way he knows how. Unfortunately, it is not enough. You cannot fix what you don't see - and he just doesn't see "it".
I am hoping (and I believe this is our last resort) that he takes the ST suggestion and goes to this other guy. However, unless he is willing to build an alliance with the therapist and REALLY work to find out what drives him, there is no hope for our M. There is nothing more I can do, my part, for the time being, is over with
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Ditto Lil’s comments, but believe it or not, your H has made progress. The very fact that the ST said that to your H puts the focus clearly on him. Up to this point, your H may have been willing to go to counseling as long as he saw some need for change in you. Now that excuse has run out and he stands alone. Of course he will feel exposed, alone and angry. It will feel safer for him to go back into his cave.
I think this is where your boundaries need to be firm. Don’t let him do that. Keep the matter alive, but in a supportive, compassionate way. The last thing you want to do is cause him to shut down because he feels his ego has been assaulted. I think breaking through the barrier of self confrontation can be a bigger task for a man than a woman (well, most women).
It will take awhile for him to do this. He will want to reconnect with you to re-enmesh and get some comfort. Then he can push forward a little, get scared and pull back. Just like an apprehensive kid, which he is. It will also look to you like nothing is happening, but under the surface he will be going through a lot of turmoil. He just won’t let you see it. So I wouldn’t be so discourage yet.
Hey, be sure to keep YOUR focus on YOURself. Keep that list of feelings handy and notice how YOU are feeling. It's tempting to place the focus back on him.
Listen to some of the dialogues on the Byron Katie page (www.thework.com)--they will infuriate you and possibly blow your mind.
He does feel exposed and told the therapist that he felt "ganged up on". It is getting to the core now and he is feeling more and more uncomfortable with the situation and truely doesn't know how to handle it. When I read the article on ISTDP it was H to a "T". He has lived with burying his feelings for so long he really doesn't have a clue that he is even doing it - thus the response I get almost on a daily basis "I am who I am, why can't you just accept that"
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It is for this very reason, that he feels the panic and anxiety (because of something that happened in his FOO) that he erects his defensive system. He is reliving the feeling of being attacked, blamed, shamed or whatever. If his FOO was severe, then he could have the same emotions as if he were experiencing a life-threatening event. So pulling back into his shell is completely understandable.
IMO, your part in this is to NOT rescue him so he cannot run and must face his fears, but at the same time to be very compassionate and supportive. If he feels alone, then knowing that you stand by him and will not leave him may be the most comforting thing you can do. After all, the enmeshment you two have is intended to serve this very purpose, is it not?
To tell him that you are fed up and ready to throw in the towel is the WORST thing you can do. That would really be you putting up your defenses to comfort your feelings of anxiety, to which he will respond accordingly, right?
"I am who I am, why can't you just accept that"
Yep, I've heard that too, and its all a deflection. The tactic is a sort of reverse guilt thing... I respect you and accept you for who you are, so do the same for me. It casts you person in the role of trying to change and control him. Being the functional, differentiated beings we have become on this board, we immediately realize our "error" and back off. The truth is that we have only been duped.
