Hi Donna - Thanks for stopping by my thread. I am sad that your H is feeling compelled to walk down this path. However, as the amazingly supportive posts have been urging, his choices should not dictate yours or the kids happiness. But of course, the gap between 'should not' and 'does not' can be a wide one
One of the basic tricks that is critical through this process is to maintain focus, and to be honest, I still struggle with this sometimes. For now, as you head off to Florida, your only concern should be to have the best possible time with Still and your kids. These are precious times, and should not be wasted on thoughts of H. Promise yourself that when you are back will be soon enough to think about him, or the R. Set yourself goals for the weekend, and let yourself luxuriate in the joy of making progress.
Really, the next job is cleaning up the money. I could not agree more with OT. One approach that I used with myself is to allow myself to go off on a tangeant (which often was an indulgence) only AFTER I had completed a critical task. So, perhaps until your money situation is sorted, no thoughts of kids' college fees? (Your concern is understandable, but really, any number of things could happen between now and then, and for now, the topic may be tagged as crazy-making)
Your letter was fabulous, but I hope you never send it to H. That would be vesting too much power in his hands. Just writing it must have been like emotional spring-cleaning, no?
I know these past 9 months must have been hell. Your strength has brought you this far, and the lessons you have learnt on the way will carry you further. We all ache for what could have been, I wish I could say otherwise. But, it does get easier, and to be honest, the self exploration and growth gets a bit addictive (which is partly why I'm still here 3+ years on ;))
I look forward to being a fellow traveller on your journey. Hugs to you, Slowly
Donna, Are you out there? I had a heck of a time finding your thread (wasn't looking in separated...). Hope all is well, it was great to meet you over the weekend. If I were only the dancer that GD is!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Stayed in Ft. Meyers for a few days after Orlando, and now I'm in North Lauderdale until Friday. Great to get away and visit family.
I can't tell you how great it was to hook up with DB friends in Orlando, too. Putting faces to names and sitches just makes things become more real...and we can certainly talk more than we can all type! A good thing for Nomo and me, who write novels ;0)
Still, GD, Kat, Nomo, Sarah, SD--thank you all so much for the wise words, and gently kicking my butt over some of my hesitation over things I know were not always the best choices. I am happy to say that I FEEL like I made it through a major turning point this week--I have not cried since Thursday last week, when I was still home! The distance, no-contact and your support have gotten me over the detachment-hurdle, I think. The big test will be when we are all home.
Still--I called you on the way down to Ft. Meyers while H was trying to call me. He called three times and paged the phone 4 times. His final message was that he hoped I wasn't ignoring him! I got to my Aunt's, and he had sent an email, too (but wouldn't call her house). It all came down to him being frantic about speaking with the kids. I responded to the email that I was not ignoring him (well, not really--just not responding) and that the kids were having a hard time getting the phone calls to go through because of issues with Nextel. He apologized in another email, and I left that alone. I've had the kids use landlines since.
I am looking forward to the closing of summer, with another trip planned next week. Then, school and work will be in session, and I can get back to living life. I do think I needed the processing time over the summer--I have learned so much about myself and relationships, and it was so heavy-duty, it was good to have few outside distractions. But I was also immersed in it much more than was healthy, at times. So this new transition is welcomed.
I do have to contact the court today to mark an appearance I have to attend on Monday for pendente lite motions, but then things should be quiet for a while. (Thanks again, Still).
Things must be improving--no crying or desperation, slept about 8 hours last night (and was able to take a nap a few times this week), and the PTSS-hand/body tremors are gone! :0)
It has been good. Weird, really. Haven't thought much about the sitch at home at all. Hope that this will continue on my return. I know that I have a few tough spots to face this weekend--dropping kids off Sat, taking the parenting course all day Sat, then pick-up on Sun. You all saw the email that I sent about beeping the horn to avoid him for a while longer. Before I left, I had told him that I would not be initiating any contact anymore--it had to come from him, since we obviously had very different ideas about how much time and space was needed. So, it is all in his ball court. And I am done waiting around--my life is now off of hold.
I had a strange dream last night--I confronted him again about the jewelry purchase, and could somehow tell if he was lying. (There were images of him splitting into 2 personas, like a soul leaving the body, along with a Superman costume laid out on the table in front of us--told you it was a dream!) Anyway, he finally admitted that he hadn't thrown the jewelry away--but that there was ANOTHER OW involved, too! I didn't even get upset--just found it interesting in my dream and walked away. I guess something that could be useful in IC next week ;0)
I find myself being able to step back from it all, and see the whole thing from a safe place--knowing that me and the kids will be ok no matter which way things work out. I am not so sure about him, but it seems to matter less, now, as I accept that it is out of my hands.
You sound great! I am glad you checked in. Happy to hear this trip has been great for you. It seems that it came at just the right time. I am so proud of you for the positive place you are in right now. Yes, it will be hard to go back home and face regular life, but you are aware of that and will be ready to deal with that well.
Donna, I am so glad you got this time away. Looks like it has done you a world of good. Take it easy on your return and don't worry about how you will or will not feel. Just stay focused on your goals.
My cell had died while I was away (left the charger at Aunt's house), and plugged it in when we got to the car. There were 3 messages from H, all sounding like he is in the bottom of some dark pit, looking to talk to the kids. They will call him today at the scheduled time.
MIL also told me that H got in touch with them on Tuesday at 4am. She said that it caught her by surprise and she didn't get to say all that she wanted, and that it didn't seem to get them anywhere. Too bad for them.
Other news in the neighborhood: H went down last weekend to visit with his sibs; and CW did not go. She was away, also, but came back Mon (in-laws were hoping that she ran off with her kids).
And I so don't care about all of it.
D has a birthday party tonight (bff's S), so I will probably do that. Then, the class tomorrow. Sunday will be mowing and back-to-school shopping.
My hand-shakes are back, but I still feel pretty good. I know that they will go away, too, and I have a good life to get back involved in.
{{OT, L, Sara, Kat, Trip}} Thanks for checking in on me, friends :0)
