WAW1978's adventures in DB'ing -3

[waw1978]

Journaling:

Last couple of days uneventful (in DB terms that means good)but I woke up this morning in a real funk. Very sad and depressed about the whole sitch. Just don't know how we got here and I don't know how to fix it. Every time I think about what it would be like to be involved with my H as a couple I am overwhelmed with feelings, fear, anger, disgust.

How could someone who was supposed to love me for the rest of my life essentially use me as a whipping post? How can I go back to a man that I know is emotionally abusive and doesn't want me physically? He stiffles me, robbed me of dream after dream and practically turned me into an anorexic to please him...no matter how thin or in shape I was, it never helped. I will still fat and unattractive to him.

Yes, I was submissive to him and let him get away with it. Only man in my life that ever got away with any of this crap because I loved him, married him and had a child with him. None of the other men ever got anything over on me. I never took any crap they were gone in two shakes if they ever tried to impose anything on me...but with H I took it all. Even when I begged for us to get help he refused...in my mind more evidence of how selfish he is and that he really didn't love me. He says he loves me but none of his actions reflect that. Even now, he is being spiteful about all of this. Trying to keep me from my D, keeping all of the furniture that I like just because and hell, he is even keeping my dog cause he knows how much that hurts me. Sorry just venting. Really bad day today.

I don't know...sorry guys. I know you are all on the other side of this and probably have no idea but this is probably how some of you WAS feel. I am so hurt and angry. This is not how I planned my life. He is not the person I thought he was when I married him.

Thanks for listening.