Making the Move

[care]

Thanks CL, I'll check into that if the thoughts persist.

After the conversation the other night, H sent me an email the following day. Thought I'd share it here as it provides a little insight into one WAS' head:

Well, I think that part of what I have been trying to explain can help with that. [getting rid of thoughts of OW] You are fixed on OW as a person. when I have been trying to explain that it isn't OW. I have no interest in OW nor did I really. I thought I did but that was more the by product of someone that was being nice to me and expressing an interest. Which, at that time, made me feel good about myself. It seemed like a possible solution to how I was feeling about myself, not a relationship, just an escape from how I was feeling. I don't think I ever viewed a relationship with OW as where I was headed. I think I just simply used it as a means of not thinking any more and, perhaps, that is why it never led anywhere. It was actively very confusing to me. Despite knowing and, as a result, being done with trying to save you and I. it was actively very confusing and ripped me apart because to see where that led meant to officially quit on you and I and I couldn't do that despite my brain telling me that I viewed this from every angle and knew that you didn't want me the way I wanted you to want me. Quitting is not easy for me it is an acceptance of failure and that is hard for me. In hindsight, I know 100% it was no one person, it wasn't OW..it was just the idea of feeling good about myself again (or more accurately, not feeling so badly about myself) but even that didn't happen because it only led to more stress. It led to the feeling of what it would mean, which was to officially give up on us. Everything in my brain was telling me that I was the fool for years that you didn't want me. That we were together only because of the kids, that you didn't actually love me how we thought we always loved each other, that you got stuck with me but felt that someone else was actually out there for you. Everything in my brain told me that I deserved to be happy and that provided the opening, if you will, of wondering if there was something between OW and I. What I realized is that while maybe my brain was telling me I was stupid and that I should give up and let you go, my heart couldn't do it. My heart was still with you and always would be. From there it wasn't like what you were telling me to do when you would say "go find out" it was never a go find out, I knew it was you I loved and wanted to be with. The struggle was always whether I could risk going back to the "x" number of years. Do you see? It wasn't OW, it was whether I could risk trying longer to make you see that it me that you love and should spend the rest of your life with. Further, it wasn't that I didn't want to try and make you see, it was being rock bottom and having no place left to fall if I continued trying again only to go back to the same failure. I think that is also what is freaking me out about this "set back". I can't go back to rock bottom. I hate that you feel uncomfortable all the time and know that is my fault. I do not believe that you and she or she and I for that matter, were ever similar enough to really be more than friendly acquaintances but I can tell you with certainty, this was never about OW or any person. I will forever hate myself for the contemplation on giving up on us, despite what I went through and the struggle through "X" number of years. I don't blame myself for being tired and getting to a point of rock-bottom but that it led me to consider giving up enough to open up the thought of second guessing whether I belonged with you or not, I will always hate myself especially if we don't get passed this.


I had to sit and think on this one for a bit. I would read his words but then some portion of the email to OW would pop into my head (as I have the darn thing emblazoned in my memory) and I would start to question things all over again. So yesterday was a bit strange. But last night after we got the kids in bed, I realized that despite where he was and what he said and possibly felt for OW then, I know where he is now.

THAT is what I need to hold onto.