You are such a sweetheart to do that soul-searching for us. If only you and your wife could go to either counseling or Retrouvaille to release those old hurt feelings and clean the slate. Don't beat yourself up about the former affairs you had. That may or may not have had anything to do with your wife's affair now. It might make you more understanding of her affair, but I don't think you caused it.
How long did it take by the time you started to come through and realize it was all a fantasy? Did OW do something or did the light switch just come on all of a sudden? Did you ever really think you were truly "in love"?
My H does things w/ Ow & my kids , family things he stopped doing w/ me/us along time ago. He is also on his best behavior.
Sorry I havn't posted in a while. My heart starts pounding when I think about the past month. In a nutshell, A month ago I chose to move out because w said things wern't going anywhere and she needed it. She called it a seperation, I called it an unwanted seperation. I had her agree to two months then I come back either way. I lived in our camper 6 miles out of town. On a farm where i drive Sugar Beet truck once a year for harvest.
Work is busier than all summer (6 days a week), taking my class one night a week 3hrs(it comes w/homework too), w was done doing daycare 2wks ago (looking for work), have had to use the credit card to get by, school has started,.... feel like i'm being ripped to shreads.
during this she said she spoke w/me as much as him. 2wks ago she went out w/girls b-day. D16 went out so I crashed on couch. Woke up later and w was hugging me. Had been drinking. she said put me to bed so i did. she wanted more. I resisted then did it. It was absolutly amaising. next day seemed to want to try but me still live out there. Then suggested taking kids to drive in in MN before winter. Awsome, I made plans, got hotel and went. She even laid her head on my shoulder during movie. Next day went shopping at outlet mall by Minneapolis. Next day after work talked to her and all bets are off. She said she can't commit to us. last weekend i was thinking of moving back in cause i really didnt think it mattered. She told me that he was coming to Minneapolis on 9-19 for 5 days to see her. Tuesday after work i pulled the camper back home and she was pissed. I started to move back in spare room and she said if you move back in there i want d now. So i agreed to go in basement. basement has two rooms one is kitchen minus stove. tile is green and old cracked.
She is with om right now until tues or wed, I dont even know, i wrote it on calender.
I want to know if she will have anything figured out when she returns. Tempted to tell her to piss off I'm tired of this.
Before she left s8 and i filled her car with gas, got carwash, and a couple of pops for the drive.
On her way there she took a wrong turn in Minneapolis and couldn't fig out how to get to airport. she called d20 they coulnt fig out. So she calls me at work on cell I happened to be in office and heard it ring. I helped her get back on track. (What a nice husband showing her way to her lover. @%#@$#)
I really think i'm not going to agree to her terms on sharing the main part of the house.
Since she isn't working she says i have all the power. I tell her its our money we are married. Don't want her to be with me cause of money. I don't want to be the boss with the money. I want to share life and love.
Backing up a little bit, she told her parents and friends about om. thats when d20 and inlaws came down hard on her. thats before we went out to movie w/kids.
Now she says this is her quest and its her decision not inlaws or kids. She does not want to look back, doesn't want old marrage. BUT also doesn't want a d either. Doing this because it's her choice.
PS: I thought i saw them in our town after dinner on my way back to work. I followed car into gas station, it wasn't them. I was fully prepared to have a little heart to heart with om. I think i'm beside myself these days.
Light Switch
Me 37 W 37 D21 D17 D12 S8 grandparents 7/07 boy Married 16 yrs last June 07 Bomb dropped 4/07
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right-for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't", Eleanor Roosevelt
Move back into your house. Into your bedroom. You have been too nice. If she wants a divorce, then she needs to go for it. She doesn't. She wants you to support her. Have you checked the laws in your state? If she is the cheating spouse would she get alimony or only child support for children under 18?
I am back in our house, don't think I want to press for our bedroom, that didn't go well last time. By me not accomidating her main level house sharing arrangement should be picture enough for her to get the idea. She has the idea that she is helpless to me because she is unemployed and i am supporting her till she finds work. I don't want her to think that of me. I want to help her find work and celebrate with her when she does.
I don't think there is alimony in ND.
Journaling
I feel trapped -financially can't pay all bills with my paycheck alone -So i work all i can to help -so i feel i have no time for anything else- tired -relationship i feel like i'm being put in a box weather its in the camper or basement
people have noticed a difference in me since i started taking my communication and human relations class.
people have also noticed that i have lost weight, one asked if i was sick. I basically told them i started eating better and excersizing. not totaly true.
PMA hard to keep it up.
GAL even harder to do right now
On a positive note, I made plans to take the kids to the Fargo Air Museum tomarrow. Should be fun.
We have missed you on the boards. I'm glad you are posting again. I'm sorry things have not been going well for you. You deserve so much better. I am getting angry at all these women who treat my friends like sh*t.
I think it's nice that you say she deserves half the money as your wife. But you also deserve for her to act like a wife. And she's not doing that. I don't understand the idea of you living in the basement when you pay all the bills. You need to give her some bad consequences for what she's doing. You seem to be making all her wishes come true.
Without consequences people do whatever they feel like doing no matter who it hurts. She needs to make her decision and go one way or the other. I think even in Utah bigamy is only for men to have more than one wife. I don't think a wife can have more than one husband.
Hey LS! Welcome back! Wow! You have been through alot while you've been away. I am so sorry you haven't seen the changes you have wanted. It is very good though that you are keeping busy and that communication class sounds terrific!
I must admit that I agree with Sara. I think you should take your house back. It would be an amazing 180. You have been so patient and kind with your W. You have been understanding, and provided her with space. If you aren't comfortable with taking back your house all at once, maybe you could do it piece by piece. Just look for the areas where you can pull 180 and try it...you never know!
It's great to see you back! em
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
