Honestly, with what you're going through I think you are doing amazingly well. It's very hard. One good thing... in the long run... you will have a chance to grow a lot and learn a lot about yourself.

Backsliding is normal. Just hang in there. I agree with you about her being an addiction. I don't think your 180's will make a huge impact at this point (to him), but I think they will be good for you. Really try to do them for YOU. And don't make them obvious. You will be expecting him to notice (and will feel let down when he doesn't and you don't see him admiring them) and he may not believe in them or may see it as manipulation. Don't worry, positive things you are doing will filter through the children and others. Just do things for YOU!!!

There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.