You and I both know he would be happier with you and his family. But he now probably still *thinks* he was UNHAPPY with you and may still *think* happiness is with her. The truth is he's probably unsure where happiness is. Just wish it to him... because that's what REAL love is. When you really love someone you let them go. Keeping someone who is unhappy is selfish! So love unconditionally and WISH him happiness. That will make him focus on trying to figure out where that is rather than focusing on the problems with you. Because it's only IF he decides completely on his own that happiness is with you and not elsewhere, then he'll be ready to be back and there will be a much lower chance of this ever happening again. If he comes back wavering that wouldn't be so great.
And yes, if something is uncomfortable for you... like you don't want to be around her... you have a right to say... sorry, I'm busy... but I hope you are well (and boy if you wish her well that would certainly make you appear like one unique "uncatty" woman!!! Even if the real truth is you hope all her hair falls out and she gains 200lbs!!!).
Oh, here's the other thing I just remembered that I wanted to mention earlier.... Guilt, condemning, blame, anger will only make it more impossible for him to "come back" if he begins to question his decisions. No one wants to return to that. The best way to "leave the door open" is with friendship...
And if you have a nice friendship with him... what do you think she'll do? Hummmm.... tables may start to turn....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT again, all very good points. Yes, I know that I need to let him figure this out on his own, let him figure out where the happiness is. I know he thinks happiness is with her, but I can also feel when he is here that he feels happiness here again, he is just nowhere wanting to make that leap of faith. He is still so deep in the fog and the addiction of her.
I know I need to not condemn, blame, are be angry, and no more guilt. Honestly this last texting issue was the first time I faultered on that in a long time.
I am trying to be his friend, trying to doing alot of no contact, only contacting or replying if it is about the kids or the finances. I am always very cheerful around him, and make sure to pay lots of attention to him when he talks (one of his big emotional needs I never met before).
I have been reading alot over at marriage builders about plan A and plan B, and going to try to figure out where exactly I want to go. I think I may need to revisit some things and do some plan A sort of actions, be more obvious about my 180's etc, and work a bit more on them.
Honestly, with what you're going through I think you are doing amazingly well. It's very hard. One good thing... in the long run... you will have a chance to grow a lot and learn a lot about yourself.
Backsliding is normal. Just hang in there. I agree with you about her being an addiction. I don't think your 180's will make a huge impact at this point (to him), but I think they will be good for you. Really try to do them for YOU. And don't make them obvious. You will be expecting him to notice (and will feel let down when he doesn't and you don't see him admiring them) and he may not believe in them or may see it as manipulation. Don't worry, positive things you are doing will filter through the children and others. Just do things for YOU!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You are right, I do need to do this for me. I still get hopefull sometimes, though. LOL
I guess it is confusing, because yesterday he decided he wanted to come by and visit the kids (surprise, surprise OW was at work, so he had nothing else better to do I guess?) and he came by my sons soccer practice. He hung out with the baby and my daughter and told me he is going to try to be there for more Tuesdays as he knows how hard it is to take care of the baby while at my sons practice. Then he came to the house, looked at the school clothes I got the kids, was actually sitting on the end of our bed in our bedroom. Seemed very comfortable there, we talked a little about the schedule and he left.
Today when he came to work and he was getting me the baby, he told me the shirt I had on looked good on me. I have recently just dropped about twenty pounds and it is really noticeable. This is not the first time he has paid a compliment. I try not to read to much into it, but it gives me hope, that although he says there is no chance for us, in his head he is not truly sure and still has feelings for me.
Hey cali, Root is right. I was so caught up on being a dad and husband I forgot about myself. Before I got laid up and I was GALing. I really did start feeling better about myself. Before I always found an excuse why I could not do something I wanted to do. I really did start to feel young again. This in turn shows in your attitude. I went for 18 years not doing things for me and just started 2 months ago. I have been laid up for the last 2 weeks and I MISS GALing. It's hard the first time you go out but like anything it gets easier.
Do it for you. Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
