There and Back, #2

[SallyM]

okay, didn't do so good tonght. not awful, but not great. took the kids swimming with our friends, which was fun for a while, but then the meltdowns began. part of it was they were just getting tired, part of it was that it was starting to get cold, part of it was (I'm guessing) they miss their daddy. some of the other daddy's were there, but not theirs.

got home and showered and ready for bed, tried to call daddy to wish him goodnight (they wanted to, and he had called while we were out). he didn't answer at his moms (and yeah, I called there first on purpose, bad db-er). I tried his cell, no answer. yes, my mind went to a couple of different scenerios and I got irritated, but then I brushed it off and moved on.

he just called now and still sounds like he is just in a bad mood. finally I just had to ask...casually just asked if he was alright. its just bizarre, his behavior. again, maybe its how our relationship should be right now, but its hard for me I guess. he said he was just tired, but never shook the tone. oh well, whatever, yet another thing I have no control over and shouldn't matter to me. just move on with my life already.

tomorrow will be busy...getting up and out early, dropping the twins off at his mom's house (where hopefully he will be by the time I get there, he knows approx what time I am due), then I am taking my eldest to the planetarium. can't wait...it will be nice to have some special time with him, and I have a feeling he's going to love it. he's been on a real space kick lately. so trying to concentrate on things like that.

funny, though, I am the one to pack the kids up since I am dropping them off at his place. I have this fear I'm going to forget something/mess up in some way. and he'll be there picking me apart. now, I am normally very organized about stuff like this...I'm the one to trust for this, girl-scout-esque if you will. but I just feel like I can't do anything right in H's eyes so am sure there will be some glaring ommission that comes back to haunt me.

the trick for me is to stop caring what he thinks. I broke down in therapy this week...I just can't be perfect. I can't. I can be as good as I can be, but yes, into this life, some cherrios will fall. and my house, as clean as I try to keep it, will look like a hurricane has hit it at times throughout the day. I need to realize that as long as everything is relatively okay and is cleaned up at the end of the day, its okay. that it is fine. H, on the other hand, would flip out if there was a toy or 2 (or 3) in the living room at 5pm.

not sure why I am going there right now. anyway, need to learn to cut myself some slack. breathe in, breathe out, wax on, wax off.

here's a random thought for you. many of you are from my age bracket. anyone remember, Meatballs. Yeah, the cheesy movie. and yeah, I was in love with the dorky kid who bill murray took under his wing. what can I say, boy crazy even then. ask me about my infatuation with jimmy from HR puffinstuff someday. lol. anyway, remember the scene where they all start chanting, "it just doesn't matter!"? (ooh, punctuation error there, I can tell, but not sure what its supposed to be). I've been chanting that all day. lol. I can't get it out of my head. and it sooo fits. because I'm never going to be perfect, and I'm never going to be OW, and I'm never going to be a lot of things, and ya know what? it just doesn't matter.