To be clear, I don't think you are a horrible person who has been treating his W terribly. I never said you MADE W feel any way. I don't think you were molesting or raping your W. But, that choice of words was no accident. People do not go on and on and feel traumatized if they merely feel like someone made an unwanted sexual advance. Again, it is about HER experience. Whatever led her to having such poor sexual boundaries in the first place to set her up to feel like a victim is most likely something that predates you.
W allowed herself to play the victim role and is still living that role. That is fair to no one. I am sure that you have made this point to her in your own words.
Just try to stop telling her how she is wrong and how she should not have allowed herself to play the victim. Instead, focus on her feelings, acknowledging and understanding them thoroughly.
Quit trying to fix her. Quit trying to show her the error of her ways. You are not her therapist.
If you "must" defend yourself, then make it short, direct, and very on point: "W, I am furious that your silence set me up to play the role of the abuser. It was not a role I willingly played, but I acknowledge playing it. For that I am deeply sorry, because my lack of willingness does not make your feelings any less painful right now."
Of course, it sounds like you have already said this and it probably does not bear repeating right now. So, why not focus on simply being compassionate and understanding with respect to the trauma she is trying to cope with?
Beyond that, the problem of figuring out how to avoid repeating the pattern in the future only enters in IF she chooses to pursue an R with you.
As for wanting physical intimacy, pretty much all LBSs crave it, both men and women. Your case is special though. If your W is seeing you as a sexual predator in any way, then her awareness of your desires is itself traumatizing and pressure. It doesn't matter whether you act on those desires or not, their existence is itself a threat. In your case, it seems to me that sex needs to be ENTIRELY off the table for YOU right now.
As for your triangle comment, I don't find it at all personally offensive. It is quite clear that you meant it in a sweet way. My discomfort is on your W's behalf. If I am correct about how she is feeling, that kind of comment would go over about as well as telling a rape victim in a light-hearted caring tone: "Gee honey, I can see that you are a tasty little morsel, but he should never have treated you that way." This is because of her skewed perception from maintaining a victim role.
Of course, this could all be wrong. Perhaps your W was just annoyed about the pressure and did not feel at all victimized. However, given her deep concern with it and frequent restatement of her feelings, this seems unlikely.
