BND/Lissie, I am trying to shut it, honest. It's just all so new and overwhelming. I don't know which h to listen to, the one who lies at the drop or the one who says it will be ok which I know I can't trust anyway-he's already broke too many promises. Either way, he's calling the shots now. Has his separate place, own bank account etc. so I can't 'see' what he's doing. I guess he's felt powerless in our R. Except everything created in our sitch was his choice, traditional catholic values; stay at home mom, blah blah...and now thats my very downfall, I don't give him respect?! 'I do everything(household/kids,etc) and he has no say.' It's is so crazy and anyone that knows us will be or rather is shocked as I doted on him (w/o complaint I might add) but he says noone else (had to live with me)! Ouch!
Anyway, yes good question. I know I need to get it together/GAL; do something selfish, but my emotions are SO raw! I do love h and do see the "alien' he has become but what good does that do my heart which is breaking in a zillion pieces! The guilt is taking over too as my kids are watching me on this hideous adventure that we had no choice in but 'I created. It shouldn't be such a surprise since I brought us here to this place...'
To make matters worse; our family beach vaca which we've been going on for 15 years is in days...yes still going(already paid for) but who will be traveling for the ride is still a mystery! I can surely wager a guess though...
I don't know, call me crazy...but I don't feel in control at the moment...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
