Separated from WAW

[EAA]

CVA,

Yeah...You'd be surprised how much intrigue that small action can bring. W didn't ask me about it last time, she just gave me a strange look and then smiled and winked back. Wonder what she was thinking...

EAA

[dlt1]

Ha, I like the wink idea. I plan on the smile and confidence, two things I lost for a bit. Met with my C last night. To my surprise it went completely opposite what I expected. Thaought I would cry/grieve and seek comfort. Nope, I did talk about teh emotions I've been going through, and that I knew they weren't done. Then we talked about my W and her problems. The fact that she has not owned up to her fears and she has never jumped into a R with both feet, not even our M. I know part of why, and need to let C know, as it did not cross my mind initailly. Until W can confront her fear of true commitment, our M does not have a chance. Since I ahve no control of when or if that happens, I suddenly seem to have less worry. I still want my W more than anything, but I really have little control over that. Just need to keep smiling (and winking) and let her know only by my actions that she can trust me. As we beging to sort through everything on the road to the D, I am looking out for my interests, but in a fair way that I hope she appreciates.
After C, our friend whose wedding W and I first got together was in town. W was unsure if she woudl meet with me. Said if I was uncomfortable she would not, but I assured her it would be fine, and F would like to see us both. Called W back to let her know where to meet, she said she did not feel right. Was she hoping I'd let her off the hook by saying I did not want her there? We've talked about our future apart as far as seeing mutual friends and that. I had said I did not knwo how long it would take for me to not hurt. I'm over that now, (not really, but as far as she knows I am) and will make sure to have her invited to some events/get togethers.
Well, I am doing OK for the most part. C said she was very surprised at how humble and together I seemed. I let her know that I have had hard moments and expected them at the sesh, but felt this wierd calmness. However, a long day of work is ahead, and as I keep busy, I find my mind wanders a lot.
It's going to be hard working with W on terms of the D. A process that may sink in with her, but could very well bring out a defensiveness. Oh well, can't avoid it, and have to be sure my needs get met through it all.
In the end, I worry that W will not really deal with this for some time. and when it finally hits her, it will hit so hard. I just wish she would take the time to hurt now. C asked if I ever saw W cry, I can't think of one time. I've never truly seen a sadness from her.
Oh, and I told C about W's BF, the gay guy. I assumed she already knew of him, but did not and was intrigued. She said it did sound like a type of EA b/c she was able to be vulnerable and completely open. B/c W feels safe that there is not other motives behind BF. W has always had a male BF through her life. I am sure this is a big part of why her R's always ended on her terms. She had the boyfriend for romance and fun, and then the EA friend for her deepest feelings. Man, you know I can't tell her that! I hope she comes to this realization in C. May not help us, but God knows she does deserve happiness, but she is the one who keeps blocking it. I feels saddest know when I think of this. She can have so much more if she believes and lets herself risk.
Thansk for the support! I find that I do need this site more than I thought. Was going to stay away b/c I thought it hurt too much. But getting it out, and checking in others is sooooo relieving.

[Willing NJ H]

DLT,

Sorry man, we'er here fo ya. It doesn't mean that the fight is over, just need more time. Working on you is a great idea right now, keeping an open mind about you R/M will be enough for now (if that's what you want to do.) I can honestly say that when I accepted that my M was over, I hurt like hell, but it made it easier for me to deal and is also when I started seeing improvement. I had to tell W that I was happy and ok, she "saw that I was" (actually acting as if) and told me that it helped her becuase she was always worried about hurting me and hadn't been dealing with anything (was in total limbo for first two months). Good luck, keep your head up, and take care of you. Your doing great. I know it hurts, but it gets easier. Your a month behind me, so maybe in another month or so you'll see some positives like I did. Later bro.

[dlt1]

Hey Willing, I hope I do 'catch up' with you. Thanks for the kind words. Without getting my hopes up, I do think there will be another change in the next month. I have more insight to what is going on with her, and foresee (with my jedi mind) some things clicking in her head, along with my detachment and PMA. I don't know that the change will be good, or even associated with, my M. But, that is out of my control. I am going to re-revamp my goal list (adopted from Nomo's shared list). I think I will keep my R goals, or at least not review them. Just going to focus on personal goals.
And...speaking of that...had some goals regarding my professional life. I had not really worried about it as W makes the $$ and was just gettig started. So I focused on just getting my job done, but was not thinking of advancement. Now that has changed and I planned on reviewing with my boss. Guess who wants to talk to me about moving up!?! He wanted to talk since last week, but we had no time. I really thought it was regarding some extar work outside of the company. Nope, wnats to talk about my future hear and what departmentS (yes multiple) I can take over managing. In my biz, Ops is king, and I have not had a strong desire to go that direction. Now I have opportunity in a different area! I did tell him my sitch and said while I am excited to discuss, I did not think we should move forward just yet. He said I should let him know when I'm ready. He has no immediate rush, just wants to see that I am happy with my job, and know that I have opportunity to move up. I suggested we revisit in 1-2 months and I should have a better idea where I'm at and a clearer head to focus on growth.
Why did this happen? Because I'm damn good at what I do. Smart, confident and an all around amazing person!

[dlt1]

Fianlly a day of sub 90 heat! had my first bike ride in over a week. Reallyb thought I'd be back at square one, but I went my longest distance yet! Porbably b/c I'm packing a little less! Only had about 15 extra lbs, but must be like 7-8 now! And i can actually feel an ab or two in there somewhere. My W had asked during the past month if I was getting in shape for my upcoming Labor Day Weekend. She always thinks I'm trying to impress the ladies (except her). I just kept repeating, "no I'm tired of complaining about my belly and not doing a thing about it." Thought that was sinking in, who knows now.
Anyway, feeling good after that, time to fire up te grill for some chicken. Me thinks a grilled chicken salad would be refreshing. That will give me leftover breasts for a lunch or two. Then mother will be calling. I guess she spoke to MIL. W has not been talking to MIL about the sitch. Can't say I blame her since MIL is pressing her to reconcile, give it time, etc. Everything I want, but it's just pushing W towards D. We'll see what mom has to say. Maybe I can have her ask MIL to back off W. W won't let the questions seep in if she is getting them from others.

[Disillussioned]

Guess who wants to talk to me about moving up!?! He wanted to talk since last week, but we had no time. I really thought it was regarding some extar work outside of the company. Nope, wnats to talk about my future hear and what departmentS (yes multiple) I can take over managing.

Great oppurtunity! Definitely take advantage of that. You might want to think about doing it in a little bit less than the two month frame. I can understand the hesitation as I am also less than optimal on productivity now. Doing something new though might help you motivation overall and keep you mind off the W.

Why did this happen? Because I'm damn good at what I do. Smart, confident and an all around amazing person!

Great attitude dude

[dlt1]

I think the two months would be for implementation. We'll probably talk again in a couple weeks. I should have a better idea of where I stand and my M. It's nice to finally have a boost without trying for one. Will definitely make act as if not so much of an act.
Thanks!

[dlt1]

Had to go by the house at lunch today. Not a made up reason either. had a feeling I missed something in my checking balance, and sure enough showed a negative balance. So I had to get my secret stash (only way I don't spend it) and go make a deposit. Of course, I texted W just to let her know I would ne in the house for a few minutes. Her response "that;s fine, thx"
Ugh, not that I expected more, she is moving forward with D afterall. But it still hurt. Hurt more to see my dogs and walk through the house. And of course are wedding pix (still up on the mantle).
I've been debating about wearing my ring. I took it off Sunday night. Kind of to accept what she is saying. It's done. It felt wierd and thought about putting it back on. Decided to keep it off for the week, just to let it sink in and see how it feels. Now I don't know if putting it back on will keep me from letting go? Maybe just wear it around her? Doesn't fell honest either. I think I'll keep it off at least until after I see W. Then reevaluate. I want her to know I accept her feelings, but I still am wanting to work thinsg out. I'm not going to push it b/c she does not want that. Co confusing all of a sudden. (or again I guess). Any wise words?

[savingus77]

I am not sure what the right answer is w.r.t the ring. I know that for me, it is something that I needed to take off b/c my H took his off. It was a symbol of our marriage which I no longer feel is there & like you, I would feel dishonest wearing it. For me, I would not want to wear it unless he wants me to wear it. That is the only way it means something to me - otherwise it just becomes a piece of jewelry.

[Heimlich]

I took my ring off for similar reasons. With D mediation today, it just didn't feel right to wear any longer. It's a symbol of a love that's no longer there. I hope to one day be able to put it back on, but, for now it was more a source of anxiety than of a symbol of committment to the M. I'm sure it's different for different people.

DL, sure, she's proceeding with the D. If you're still in love with her, don't give up. She may change her mind. Our mediator today mentioned that a few of his clients have stopped the D process and gotten back together and are happy. You just don't know.

BD