I appreciate your concern for me; I worried about it for awhile too. I mean, I still took his calls, right? But I couldn't be more finished with this OM. He doesn't seem to believe it either, by the way. He still wants to talk about "us" and gets really frustrated when I tell him there isn't one. Talking to him has kept me from giving the memories a rosy glow they don't deserve.
I'm very careful to pay attention to what I think and feel now, and what my actions are.
What is your situation? I've been looking for your original post, but you are very active and it's lots to sort through.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
I've been physically separated from my stbx for about 20 months now and emotionally separated a little over two years. Her OM is in prison serving 15 to life for 2 ND degree murder. She was engaged to be married to him before he went to prison 15 years ago. He's up for parole this November. At one time, she told me she MAY BE interested in reconciliation. I told her she would have to cut all ties to OM before I would be interested. She wouldn't do that and I didn't want to be 2 ND best, so I bulked at the ideal. I feel I've lost my love for her. She will be my 2 ND ex. I have a S14 from my first M and a S7 from this one.
That's it in a nut shell.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thanks Pro wife, (I like husband's version) I appreciate the insight. I realize that the fight is up to me, and I haven't given it up. I can't yet.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
Unless your wife obviously goes back to the OM, it really is over for her. She's just working through the aftermath.
I forgot to mention that he is a co-worker, and they would meet during travels. Because of this I won't know if she goes back to him. The only way to tell is to start digging/tracking again, and that hurts to much. The txt conversations I've seen are not work related and the videos definitely aren't. So, it doesn't appear to me like "working through" it. But, then again, I don't understand her thought process at all anyway.
Your thoughts, am I missing it?
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
You have been dealt a tough hand...more than most of us can even fathom. Which is why I wonder if you're angry and (it feels) distrustful of my sincerity. There is no set pattern once the affair ends. Some people feel better and do better if they cut all ties and have no communication with the ex-OM/OW. For me it would be worse to do so. My problems resulted from not dealing with reality; reality means admitting what happened and dealing with the aftermath. He is not a particularly admirable person, but he had qualities that drew me to begin with. Letting him call me is a constant dose of reality.
Don't paint all women who had an affair with the same brush. We're flawed, we screwed up, but that doesn't mean we want the affair now. I love my husband, I'm glad he stood by me through this...learning experience. I wouldn't trade his love and trust for any man's affection, especially one who already proved his lack of character.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
PW, I'm wondering what generally serves as a wake-up call for the WAS. In your case, you realized that the OP lacked the commitment to be there for you in a time of need. Was it truly that abrupt for you? At what point did you start to turn back to the M? I assume there was a period of ambivalence for a long time.
I like your description of putting the M into knots that had to be untied. It's also helpful to hear that there is a transition process before there is connection and intimacy in the R again.
My situation in the Piecing forum describes a turn towards connection and intimacy. You seem to be saying that even though there is increased platonic connection, there are still issues of trust, and restoring intimacy and sexuality.
You mention that the most important thing a LBS can do while waiting is to not inflict harm on the R. I'm trying to increase personal power as a person, and am not pursuing my W.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I can understand your aversion to digging for answers. It hurts if you prove suspicions of adultery right, it hurts to mistrust them, but it also hurts to wonder all the time. Have you told your wife how much it worries you that she has so much contact with him? Have you asked her what all the chitchat is about? She may not tell you or get angry(a definite bad sign), she could play it off as absolutely nothing (notice whether or not she seems tense or obviously dishonest), or there's the slim (very slim) possibility she may actually tell you what's being said and why.
The more you tell me, the more concerned I am. I worry that the affair possibly never ended. There was a point where I reverted to keeping my affair a secret while supposedly returning to my husband. While I hate to give you more worries, be careful. No one wants to be played a fool once, but twice is more hurt than anyone deserves. If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck...you get the picture.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
Which is why I wonder if you're angry and (it feels) distrustful of my sincerity.
I'm way past the anger stage and I'm not the type to project that on to a bystander anyway. I'm not distrustful of your sincerity at all. I believe that you believe what your saying.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
There is no set pattern once the affair ends.
That's true, but technically, your affair has not ended. Your still emotionally involved with this guy.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
My problems resulted from not dealing with reality; reality means admitting what happened and dealing with the aftermath.
Reality - Your having an affair with this guy, you realize he's not for you. You now believe your H is the only man for you.
Aftermath - Tell the OM you made a mistake, he's not for you and you want him to leave you alone so you can concentrate on repairing your marriage.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
Letting him call me is a constant dose of reality.
Letting him call you is a constant reminder of your affair and your affection for him.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
Don't paint all women who had an affair with the same brush.
I'm not judging here, just making an observation from the LBS's perspective.
Originally Posted By: prodigalwife
I love my husband, I'm glad he stood by me through this...learning experience. I wouldn't trade his love and trust for any man's affection, especially one who already proved his lack of character.
Good for you!!! If you do love your H, then you need to break it off with this OM cold turkey because I can tell you right now it still causes your H pain even if he doesn't show it.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
While I appreciate your opinion, I think we need to agree to disagree. My affair is over, physically and emotionally, and I'm not interested in a debate on the subject anymore. Thanks for stopping by and good luck with your situation.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
It may be different for others, but my wakeup call came in my darkest hour. I hit absolute rock bottom and suddenly my OM was nowhere around. Mine was an even bigger system shock, though, because I went to jail for stupidity. Sitting alone for a few weeks makes you think pretty hard about how you got to this awful place. And yeah, it really was that fast. About the time I was being fingerprinted and photographed I wanted my husband like a small child wants their mommy. And from there on out it was no looking back.
Restoring really takes a lot. i had to be willing to submit to extreme scrutiny for awhile before my husband trusted me again, even with simple things. I had to be willing to be vulnerable and trust him even though he didn't trust me.
The grass may be greener, but then again, it may also be astroturf. ~Amy C Brown
It may be different for others, but my wakeup call came in my darkest hour.
I would assume that hitting the bottom is the wakeup call for most WAS's. I think that one of the biggest problems with this scenario is that the WAS has no trouble living in a fantasy world, so it takes them a long time to hit the bottom and a lot of times the LBS has given up by then. One of the best articles that I read on infidelity stated that most marriages could be saved after an affair. When divorce occurs, it is because the infidel can not escape the affair in time or cannot face going back into a marriage in which he she is now known and understood and can no longer pose as the white knight spotless and beyond criticism. It went on to say...the prognosis after an affair is not grim, and those who have strayed have not lost all their value. The sadder but wiser infidel may be both more careful and more grateful in the end.
prodigalwife, It really seems that you have grown as a person because of this and understand what pain was inflicted on your H by your choices. You have lived and learned and you are one of the wiser people coming out of this. I wish I could say the same for my H. Everyone really appreciates your insight.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
and it's lots to sort through.