Away from seeing how your wife might potentially feel. From seeing how you dismiss her issues and feelings because they are not the same as yours. From seeing that there are things you can choose to do whether she chooses to do anything right now or not. From seeing that your choices are yours to make and don't have to depend on what your wife chooses to do at this moment.
All I said is lets STOP the blame game and seek a solution SIMULTANEOUSLY and UNCONDITIONALLY.
So YOU are putting conditions on YOUR stopping of the blame game. You will only stop if SHE stops and if she stops at the time. Those are big conditions.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
But I do not dismiss her issues. I appreciate what she does fo our family. But how does this relate to the fact that she is not putting any deposits in my love bank? Are you trying to say that I should count her cleaning the bathroom as a replacement for passion?
From seeing that there are things you can choose to do whether she chooses to do anything right now or not. From seeing that your choices are yours to make and don't have to depend on what your wife chooses to do at this moment There are choices that can be made. THe real question is which ones can actually make my situation better. Not sure I can find one of those. So YOU are putting conditions on YOUR stopping of the blame game. You will only stop if SHE stops and if she stops at the time. Those are big conditions. So I should act unconditionally towards her, and she is allowed to act conditionally towards me?
I'll just say that I think the word "automaton" suits Cemar well. Mostly I just shake my head at his responses. And then I wonder what he's really afraid of, so afraid, that he is so shut down and has such a thick armor enabling him to deflect several years worth of negative comments about himself. Only he knows, except... that he doesn't know. And that is by far his biggest problem.
Cemar - when you (one day) start to realize that the whole aspect of a R does not rely on equal amounts of give and take, then, and ONLY then will you begin to be able to help your situation.
You continue to sabotage your own R by being the one to not give a centimetre (let alone an inch) without being assured you will get at least that much (if not 10 fold) back from your W.
True love is unconditional - YES !!! And perhaps when you start acting on this, maybe, just maybe, you might get a different response from your W. However, IMHO, I personally can't see how she stands living with you
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
OK, so at one point it WAS my thread and I have some questions up for discussion from you wise long time DBer's-
Define conditions? What's the difference between conditions & expectations? Aren't there just unspoken conditions that we all have? When H and I dated we talked about long term expectations of each other, what we each felt would keep desire & passion strong, both physical, emotional & intelectual needs that we must meet for each other. Somehow I have related this to "conditions" that we set that if you want x then y must be present. I am not sure I am making any sense and I am starting to feel like I and my H are weird or something
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
So I should act unconditionally towards her, and she is allowed to act conditionally towards me?
Yes. By the words of your own faith.
"If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:32-38
Granted, every principle can be carried to ridiculous and damaging lengths. And no, none of us can live up to the above perfectly. And yes, she should be trying to apply this too.
But even after all the caveats, Yes, you must be wiling to act unconditionally toward her. What she chooses to do is ultimately between her and God and not your responsibility; what you do is between you and God and *is* your responsibility.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Hmmmmm. Not sure I understand the question properly ...
Simplest form, I guess expectation is "You pay the bills, I'll do the laundry". It doesn't become a condition until you say "I just got a late notice in the mail, so good luck finding clean underwear" as opposed to "I just got a late notice in the mail, what's up with that?".
Or, "You need to have deep philosophical discussions about the nature of God and the universe and I need to have lots of hot monkey sex." (as in my relationship) It's tempting to turn my stated expectation into a condition (you haven't initiated in over a week; quantum mechanics, duh what?) but that does feel somewhat petty and vengeful and I can never really justify it to myself.
Not sure that's what you meant ....
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
MJontheMend- I have been advised you are the one to talk to on technical questions, if you read this would you be willing to email as I am not sure how in depth I should get on the BB - sunhappie at hotmail.com
A few posts back Crazy Eddie asked Why is it scheduled for bedtime during the week? I assume no one is living with you? You are correct no one lives with us. For months I had to get up at 6 AM to get my mom and take her for treatments by the time I returned home H was gone, meetings, golf (his number one love, I am number two but I am OK with that ;)) when he gets home it's dinner time and I guess kind of routine chit chat, we sit on the patio and I hate to give this up it is quality time plus we don't have many beautiful nights to seat outside
Cemar - Your not getting what I am driving at. Lets say that your desire for him is based upon his maintaining his physical body. But he maintains his physical body to win your desire (afterall, working out is not much fun). He works out, and works out, and works out, and you still don't desire him. If my desire is truly based on him working out, problem solved if he was working out. Where the problem comes in is a womens desire IMO is not based on one absolute thing but the whole pacakage. Also, I feel he should work out because he wants to and cares about his body not to gain my desire. Maybe we need to understand how often you need to keep your desire up? If you PHYSICALLY desire your husaband on MOST days, you are doing great. Most of us on here would KILL for that. But if you find that you are going for more than a couple of days and feeling no desire, then your going to have problems. So can you tell us more about the amount of time your NOT desiring him? This can be as up n down as a roller coaster, thus why I started posting, to journal, to get in sight, to try to see if there is a pattern and what is the trigger. I know my frequency is much better than most and maybe I don't belong on the SSM board but if I am not meeting H's HD am I not LD? But I will answer your question honestly, Mon. thru Thurs. is a drought, by Friday I am not really interested after the drought but I am aware of his needs and get into "just do it" mode, knowing that should do the trick. There are exceptions to this. We have occasionally gone for a week or two because I haven't been able to get to "just do it" mode... again, why I am here. I know sometimes it is triggered by PMS ( I'm sure you want to hear about that) and sometimes sheer physical & emotional exhaustion.
NJ- Texting did GREAT!! Kept the engines roaring! Thank you.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
