New and confused

[Puddle]

Hey everyone,

Had a workout this morning, am out for coffee by myself (and all of you), and am feeling relatively good, though still confused.

Nomopo, thanks, as usual for your thorough response. Here's mine.

Yes, and my guess is he is not wanting to be intimate/connected right now, but some guys want sex any time and all the time regardless.

That is so not my DH. I'd like to read the post you referred to, though, but the link didn't show. Will you post it again?

I've made quite a few friends around here and some of communicate by email and phone.

Wonderful. Re the location thing, I tried to send you a PM but your box is full. Feel free to PM me.

The other is to draw some boundaries, take some stands, state some principles, etc., but to do so calmly, and just for your own self respect and so they know where you are and/or what you are willing to live with and not live with.

This is something I'm going to need to think long and hard about; I sure wish I could push pause. I feel like I'm working on my internal boundaries right now (I'm not going to obsess, I'm rarely going to indulge in self-pity, I'll recognize hurt and sadness but not allow them to overwhelm me), but haven't got much further than that yet. I think that for right now, I'm going to respond often with empathy only, and a lot of "I need some time to think about that."

Telling him you are hurt and angry is not going to accomplish much now. He doesn't care about your needs most likely, and can't help you get them met.

During our big talk last week he kept saying, "Right now it's all about your needs," and it was hard to restrain a big, throaty guffaw. From his POV, he can't meet my wife-type needs (what the hell am I looking for there, "romantic needs"?), so he needs to do his best to cover everything else, so my needs above all. And you're right, he can't help me get those met.

Did I ask if you had read 5LL?

It came today (along with DB. I read about half of DR, up to the point where it says "You've been working on this for a while now..."), and I'm looking forward to reading it.

If so, maybe you could get H to go see him/her at least once under the theory that C needs to see H and hear his side of the story she s/he can continue to help you. Then, and especially if H likes your C, you down the road might suggest that you and H go together to work on your communication and co-parenting skills which could lead to some couples therapy.

This sounds like a great strategy, and I imagine he'd agree, thanks. To be honest, though, I feel like he's so closed to the idea of working on our M (I know you're saying the goal of this JC isn't that) that even if JC were ever to be able to help us, it wouldn't be now. Or do you think getting in there as early as possible is better?

Have you identified them?

The big issues. So far the one I can identify is fear: fear of failure, fear of rejection. This is something I've dealt with for a long time, and my IC helped me immensely. In fact, just as the IC was wrapping up (before all this), I realized that one of my intimacy issues was that deep, deep down inside, I never trusted that he wouldn't leave me and wasn't willing to put myself completely out there. That's probably a good place to start dealing with that: I didn't trust him not to hurt me so I kept distance between us, and eventually that distance contributed to him hurting me. I have to learn to be vulnerable.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with a man who broke my heart. I had been such a cynical thing already, and felt like such a boob to feel so head over heels for someone. When it was over, I said to myself: See, that's what you get. It was clearly a mistake. Remember it.

Later (but not soon enough) I learned to appreciate those crazy sweet feelings and to see them as something positive. Sure, it didn't work out, but that didn't mean that I was wrong. So that's a road I'm still traveling, and I have a long way to go.

And each time, they will stay a little longer, and be gone for less time. And then, success

Thanks for the picnic/castle analogy, I like it. And I'm working on getting my picnic supplies together (I'm working on my GAL list).

But I still want to save my M very badly (not all that sure why), so I still worry about things too much. I am trying to detach further, and care less. Isn't that sad?

So very much of all this is sad. You've been through months of this (and yes, by the way, feel free to send those first 7 strings along), and you're not ready to give up. Would figuring out your motivation to save your M be enlightening to you? (Not to give you something else to worry about!)

Hey sandi2, I may not be able to put any of your sexy/funky costume ideas to use right now, but you are lifting my spirits to no end! Thank you!

One new thing now. I've been working under the assumption that my DH is feeling pretty good right now: He's got the weight of "living a lie" off his shoulders, I haven't given him the boot, and he's grateful and has been cheerful. Then yesterday he came home from work, went straight to the backyard, and cried for an hour. I have seen him cry a total of two other times, including when he dropped the bomb.

My instinct was to ask if he was okay, but I just brought his cigarettes to him, then later a box of tissue, and asked if I could do anything for him. He said no, I said okay, and left him alone. I went out later, and when I came back he was up (he'd been in bed with the kids) and on the phone. When he came to bed (yes, still the same bed) he put his hand on my leg and said, "Thank you" (for what?) "For being you and acting like you are."

This morning he's up (late) and out. I emailed to ask if he's up for something fun and low key Friday night and he responded with "Sounds great."

Dear people, who have been through so much more than I, what the heck is going on? I think I've simplified his feelings in my head (I feel bad, he feels good). I know he has to go down his own road, and that it's not all a bed of roses. He could've been crying because his crush told him to *** off, or because he's just confused about what's happening and what he wants, or because he listened to a devastating description of refugee camps on NPR. I *know* I can't know. So what to do? Don't dwell on it? Offer comfort/don't? See it as just one of the many bumps that lie ahead? He never cries. It's hard not to want to hold him.

Thanks, everyone.