I'm not expressing myself well because I totally agree with your point. I know that there is not right or wrong and this is how my wife felt. I have told her that and apologized to her for making her feel that way -- without any "but" statements. And I am ashamed for not picking up on some hints that, looking back, I should have picked up on. It literally made me sick to my stomache when I realized how my actions contributed to the way she was feeling. Yes, she knows that I am still attracted to her. I've not laid a hand anywhere but on her should, arm, hand, or back since April. I have not, in any way, pushed her to be sexual with me. Does she still know that I'm attracted to her? Yeah, she'd have to be an idiot not to, and she's far from that. Sorry, but I can't just turn off almost 17 years of attraction overnight -- though I don't leer, touch, hint, suggest, proposition anything toward her. You seem to be equating my sexual feelings toward my W as pressure. If so, yes, I'm guilty. As are probalby the majority of the men on this board.
My other point is this, more than anyone else, I love my W and want her to be happy, and I wanted to make her happy. She was feeling these things, but not telling me I was making her feel this way. I didn't know. And it hurts that the person you love and to whom you've expressed a view of intimacy to that is more in line with, from what I've read, many women feel to finally, AFTER THEY DECIDE ON THEIR OWN THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER, finally tell me how my actions made her feel. I am not some insensitive ogre who wanted to have sex with her even if she didn't want to. The other thing is that in the 2 months prior to the ILYBNILWY speach, she was more receptive to my advances than she had been and she seemed very willing. And, on nights that I knew she was tired, I wouldn't even bring it up, which was different than in the past. What angers me is that she is also responsible for her feelings, but she has chosen to place the blame entirely on me and take no responsibility for herself or the way that she interacted with me contributed to where we are. I'm sorry, but that is wrong.
No offense was intended with my triangle comment. She's told me she felt like a piece of meat. I fully realize how she felt that way and have told her so. While on the one hand, I tend to have a view of sex as a real emotional coming together of two people in love; it's also fun. You can't be too serious about it. You don't know me, so don't attribute anything that would 'turn your stomache' to me for a light-hearted comment that, if you really read what I was trying to say, conveys that I love my W for who she IS, not what she HAS.
The really funny thing about this is that I often felt used too by my wife. After her time of the month, she would be extremely horny. I, of course, was very happy about that. After she had her fill though, she would start rejecting me again.
Anyway, again. To your basic point, you're correct. I DID make my W feel like an object, despite whatever was in my heart and I deeply and sincerely regret that and take ownership of that. But, (yes, an infamous but) she bears part of the responsibility as well and I guess I'm just fed up of being blamed for making her feel bad when she never talked to me about any issues she had with me. She swallowed them; never shared them with me; and now my M is over -- without ever having the chance to work together as a team to see if we could meet each other's needs. Instead of doing that, for us, for our girls, she's running. And really, has been for a few years now.
Sorry for the rant. You touched a nerve and are painting me in a way that is incorrect.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
