NA I dont know what the laws are in your state, but he should be careful about taking money from an account that you should have access to, especially now. Do you have access to it? If not, why?
This is punitive behavior and not easy to swallow from your end, I understand. So the key is to calmly figure out how to regain your foothold in the power struggle for money. There are no legal papers, correct?
Sorry, dont have great advice other than you need to do some protecting of your potential future with money. This is legal terrain that I am not qualified to advise on even though I am a finance guy.
Hope this helps a little anyway.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Hi CVA- Nope, we have no legal papers. Technically he's not taking $ from an account. He's just transferring less to me than we agreed on in the past, which means that I will have to pay a larger share of the bills from my paycheck. We closed our joint checking account years ago, since we both wanted to keep our own individual checking accounts, so with each paycheck, H automatically transfers funds to my checking account and then I pay all of the bills out of that.
Hi Matt, I'm OK, just back from a few days visiting my parents with the kids. I've been meaning to respond on your thread (and to your email), but haven't been on the computer much.
I have been spending alot of time on my own with the kids in the past week, as H decided to go to a friend's cabin for 3 days and then we went away (w/o H) for 4. It has been exhausting.
Last night after we got back and the kids were in bed, I brought up the $ issue w/H. I had thought about it alot and didn't want him to think that what he did was OK (cutting the amount he transfers for household bills by almost 50%). I brought it up calmly and rationally, asked if it was just a temporary change. He said it was just for a couple of weeks, so he could have some "capital" and then we would discuss things (how much to transfer). I told him again that our expenses weren't going to go down, just because he wasn't going to be here. He said that he couldn't believe that our actual household bills were as high as I said! Like he didn't believe me after all of these years? So, I spent a half hour or so, writing down all of the monthly bills for the past 7 months and then showed him that the amount he had been transferring with each pay check was actually less than half of the average monthly bills. He looked at it, and then started making some calculations of his own. He thinks that he shouldn't have to pay half of the house bills. I told him the fair thing would be to add his new bills to our household bills and then divide that by 50%. He didn't really respond. Then I went to bed.
SO, that was unpleasant. I hate this.
I found out this AM that he went to sleep at the apt. I really feel like I am on my own now.
How are you today? It is good to hear from you. I thought maybe this whole sitch had gotten to you and you went postal on the H. Just kidding. I hope you had a good trip to your parents. Hopefully it was good to get away from the normal setting.
So, is your H in the new apartment yet? If so, How much do you see him? and.....Did you tell the kids yet and how did they react?
I was looking through some archived threads and I found this from frank_D. I think he got it from some article or book.
ROMANTIC INFIDELITY
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or after a child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
--------------------------------------------------------------- I read that and I thought about my sitch. I really noticed our problems starting when my W gave up the addiction. (pain pills) This may be when she latched onto this emotional affair in her head with the OM. Of course at the same time I was not helping the sitch. I kept pushing her further and further away. I am not saying that your husband is having an affair by any means but it may be why his feelings have changed or why he does not know what he wants. Maybe the addiction does play a part.
I just thought it was interesting. I may repost the entire article on my post.
How are you today? It is good to hear from you. I thought maybe this whole sitch had gotten to you and you went postal on the H. Just kidding. I hope you had a good trip to your parents. Hopefully it was good to get away from the normal setting.
Are you telling me I have anger issues?
It was good to get away, but hard to be the only parent there. I didn't get much of a break from the kids, but managed to get out for coffee with my sister after the kids were in bed and spent a good 45 minutes relaxing outside with a magazine and my ipod whil d1.5 napped and s7 and d7 went fishing w/grandpa and auntie.
Originally Posted By: Matt-14 (HIS)
So, is your H in the new apartment yet? If so, How much do you see him? and.....Did you tell the kids yet and how did they react?
It's very strange. He has moved some stuff over there, and slept there last night, but we haven't told the kids anything yet. I am waiting for him to take the lead, maybe I'm in denial, thinking that there's a possibility that he might change his mind? He really seems to be distancing himself from all of us, he brought some small gifts back for the kids from his trip and I kept thinking "they want YOU to be here." He was on his trip from last Monday night through Thursday evening (got home after 8:30pm, just in time to delay getting the kids to bed), we left Friday morning on our trip, got back last evening (Monday) and he got here after 7:30pm. He was a little snippy with the kids, blamed it on not feeling well. Then he was gone when I woke up this morning (left a note saying he slept at the apt), worked all day and went to a work event at night. So the kids haven't seen him much over the last week. This is not like him at all, I don't understand it.
I'm on vacation from work this week, so I feel like I'm working overtime on parenting. I just wish H were around to help share the load.
Originally Posted By: Matt-14 (HIS)
I was looking through some archived threads and I found this from frank_D. I think he got it from some article or book.
That was very interesting. I hope it doesn't apply to my M, but you never know. I don't think I would be surprised by anything these days...
Sorry the last few days have been rough. The transition to S is hard. It's disappointing that your H isn't around more for the kids. Apparently he thinks he needs that much space though, and you have to give it to him.
Do you have any fun plans for your vacation from work? Can someone help watch the kids or can they go to their daycare for a day or two so you can have some time for yourself? I think you need to take this opportunity to really take good care of you. You are going through some really stressful things and you deserve some time just for yourself to rest and relax.
Do you have any fun plans for your vacation from work? Can someone help watch the kids or can they go to their daycare for a day or two so you can have some time for yourself? I think you need to take this opportunity to really take good care of you. You are going through some really stressful things and you deserve some time just for yourself to rest and relax.
I did a lot of activities with the kids this week, and I didn't really plan any time for me (I did make it to the grocery store on my own the other night- woohoo!) I wanted this week to be for them, since the older 2 start school next week and we didn't have a vacation this year, like we normally do. I have a very flexible job, so I can take time off for myself another time. In fact, over Labor Day weekend, I'm going away by myself to spend a few days with my college friends in Vegas!!!
H agreed to join us yesterday on a day at an amusement park located about 90 minutes away. He stayed here (couch) the night before since we wanted to get a relatively early start. The day went well, kids had a good time, H seemed a little tense/sad, not relaxed. We got home very late and I thought he would stay here, but when I woke up with d1.5 this morning, I realized he had left. No note or anything.
We still haven't told the kids. I am waiting for him to tell me that he wants to do it. I'm not starting any R talks. I did call him Wed. morning, to tell him that I needed a break from the kids. As I mentioned earlier, he has really made himself scarce over the last couple of weeks, and the kids were wearing me out, especially since d1.5 has decided that she's going to wake up much earlier this week than she normally does when I'm working.
I need some advice. Since we got home from my parents' last Monday, H has been sleeping at the apt quite a bit. Some nights he's here to put the kids to bed, but others, like last night, he's gone out and not come back. On the nights he's been here, he has left to go the apt very late and come back in the morning. I don't want to keep lying to the kids about where he is, but I don't want to push to tell them about the S either. Am I in denial? I feel like not knowing when he's going to be here is not fair to me or the kids. Is there a way to bring this up to him without initiating a R talk?
NA - I have just read through bits and pieces of your threads. We seem to be on the same timeline. My H also wasn't home, but at home for 2+ weeks. My kids are a little older - D13 and D11. I decided that I wouldn't lie for him. I figured that it was his story to tell and he had to tell it. My D13 woke up one night and asked where he was...I told her I didn't know (I didn't), but I was sure that he was safe. She asked him about it the next morning and he lied. Before she asked him, I told him that she woke up. He asked me what I said to her and I told him what I said. He was a little miffed that I didn't cover for him, but I repeated to him that I wouldn't lie and wouldn't tell the truth because it was not my story to tell.
He is in his new apartment. I have not asked about it, where it is, or anything. Even during the weeks he was here, but not, I never asked where he was. Maybe I was preparing myself for his eventual leave...maybe I knew deep down that I didn't want to know....
I also did not push my H into telling the kids. However, when he purchased furniture, signed a lease and told me that he needed to tell them, I set the timeline. They had some parties that were coming up and I didn't want them ruined.
I also told H that I wouldn't tell the kids. I would be there, but he had to say the words to them. He wanted to tell them that WE were unhappy and WE were getting a divorce. I told him that if he said those words, he would be corrected in front of them. He felt that it should be done that way so blame wasn't an issue. I firmly, but nicely said that this is his action and he needs to take ownership of it. Again - he was not happy, but my belief in marriage and my belief in telling the truth are not negotiable.
As I read over this response, it sounds like my H and I have a fighting relationship. That is not true. If you read my thread, this all seems so surreal to me because this whole thing has been....friendly? He has been insensitve, but not the angry mean that so many here encounter.
I don't know if I am the best person for advice. But we (he) just told the kids one week ago, and I thought that maybe telling you what I did may help.
Like he didn't believe me after all of these years? So, I spent a half hour or so, writing down all of the monthly bills for the past 7 months and then showed him that the amount he had been transferring with each pay check was actually less than half of the average monthly bills. He looked at it, and then started making some calculations of his own. He thinks that he shouldn't have to pay half of the house bills. I told him the fair thing would be to add his new bills to our household bills and then divide that by 50%. He didn't really respond. Then I went to bed.
Just kidding. I hope you had a good trip to your parents. Hopefully it was good to get away from the normal setting.
