It's the opposite here. I take son everywhere. (Except not now) W is seeing what it is like. Treasure Island is no longer a naval base. They have been going around and around on what to do with it. I think it has something to do with the "clean up" of toxic stuff. I agree I think this area is god's little retreat. Never to cold or too hot. Sometimes a little too liberal but that's better that the opposite. I mean the Mayor Of San Fran had an affair and everone seems ok with it. WTH.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Up until recently I didn't have any pictures of me. I just recently lost some more of the baby weight, thanks to H and so am making sure to get more pics.
Originally Posted By: husband
Stanton, CA you are way down there?
Actually Stanton is my home town. I am in Murrieta now, which is right on the border of San Diego, out by Temecula, which has a bunch of wineries, etc. It is beautiful here, but hot in the summer. But the house prices and the community are the trade off. I am an hour from San Diego, an hour from Orange County, and Oceanside to get to the beach.
Originally Posted By: husband
I live about 30 mi north of San Francisco. In Petaluma. The Wine country. It was about 80 here yesterday. But at about 5:00 pm we get a nice breeze down the valley from the coast. (I live about 20 miles from Bodega Bay. Remember the movie (The Birds).
I know right where you are, very pretty there.
Originally Posted By: husband
When I see pictures of all of your families I don't see how anyone could even think about leaving such beautiful history of a couple. The things you created together seems to mean nothing to our spouses.
Yes I know, but by taking those pics and posting, I am hoping him and our mutual friends see that I am GAL and that me and the kids are moving on without him. You know I added up the time he had his kids last week and it did not even total 24 hours, and that was spread out over 3 days. Now that the kids are back in school, he is going to lose even more time with them. He is just really not making enough of an effort, he does just enough, but eventually the kids will start to see right through it and that makes me pretty sad.
Well... you certainly gave your husband some good amunition for staying mad at you and making sure OW appears nicer and more reasonable... those texts.... you have to stop trying to guilt him into leaving that relationship..... if anything you are only bringing them closer. Like a teen whose mom says... don't date that girl!!! She's bad. So what does the teen do? Sees her anyway. He HAS to make this decision on his own. Don't guilt him or express any disapproval. Before you say (or text) ANYTHING ask yourself. Does this bring me closer or further from my husband? And if it's going to push you further bite your tongue and imagine yourself as Mother Theresa. At this point avoid conflict, relationship talk, etc...
Now, next thing. You don't like how OW is being so nice to the kids... I know that's very difficult as a mom, but try to look at it this way. If your H does leave for OW, do you prefer she likes the kids and treats them well or hates them and slowly tries to work the kids out of their lives... with H seeing them less and less over time (I see this one ALL the time!). What sounds better to you? When my husband was with OW... sure I was furious, hated OW with passion and had a huge amount of anger at my husband and wanted the kids to prefer me and believe divorce, cheating, etc... was wrong. But I also knew that if he did continue the relationship and eventually marry her, the kids would be much better off if she liked them. You cannot keep yourself in this. That doesn't mean you don't try and teach them leaving a marriage is wrong, and that working it out for kids is extremely important, but sometimes people do get confused.
I'd probably sit them all down (the older ones) and explain it somewhat like this... Dad is unsure what he wants in life. He's not sure if he wants to be married to mom, and during the separation he will have female friends. Some of them he may like or give a hug to or a kiss to. While we are separated this is the deal. He's trying to figure out where he wants to be. I don't agree with this, but I do want your dad to be happy and have the time to figure out what he wants. Maybe eventually he'll decide he misses us and the family he had and he wants to come back. Maybe he won't. We are going to fine no matter what. None of this is due to you kids. Your dad loves you. He just needs time and space to figure himself out and figure out how he really feels about the marriage... yada yada.
(NOTE to Penny..... thanks for the kind words. I have to say everything I picked up is from the wise people here and one amazing DBer I met locally at church! I do have a thread on Piecing and even links to my old sitch).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You are absolutely right ROOT. I kicked myself for doing it, but he just got me so upset and I went to that place that I dont like. I have been just doing NC with him, because that is what I need right now, and I still obviously having an issue with what I say. I have held my tounge a many time, but I also do not feel like he needs to think I accept what he is doing. A long time ago, I used the word acceptance and I felt like that gave him the ok to do what he is doing. I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I wanted him to know where I stand. I do not want a divorce, I want to work on our marriage. But maybe that was wrong? It is just such a confusing time.
You are right, I do prefer that the OW be nice to my children it is just a stab whenever I hear them talk about her. My ultimate preference is that there be no OW around my children and it just makes me sick that pretty much I am not given a say in the matter.
Being nice and loving someone enough to let them go and telling them you want them to be happy (even if you HATE them for the moment... and believe me the fury and anger I had toward my husband was HUGE!!!), is not the same as accepting what they are doing. You can still support someone, even if you think they are making a mistake. If you love someone (or loved them in the past, sometimes it's hard to remember loving a spouse during this kind of crap), you do want them happy. And tell me, what seems stronger... A woman who is calm, working towards making herself and her life better in spite of a lot of negative stuff, or an angry bitter one telling her husband how much he's hurting everyone and what he's doing is so bad? When I was younger I used to react and get mad about things easily. I can tell you almost 90% of the time I regretted that exposed anger and lack of control.
Make sure you tell him you want him HAPPY and you are sooo glad he's happy with her.... even though, you might kind of slide in a comment about how most people's true happiness is ultimately with their family. Stress the FAMILY word in light happy conversations. How you love your little family. You might kind of mention how it's a little sad he's not really part of it anymore. But you feel so good about having your children and your family is most important to you... and you wish him the very best. And you KNOW he's happier now and that makes you happy!!! If you can kind of slip these little things in (happiness and family) in a clever and joking manner while supporting him you are cleverly planting seeds of doubt (think reverse psychology). But be very careful you do this in a very small way, otherwise it will look like manipulation.
I know your ultimate preference is that there's no OW around your child, but unfortunately we don't have that type of control. Do you think he might be uncomfortable about OM around his children? Hummmmm...
I used to tell my husband, very nice, smiling, and lovingly.... "Don't worry I plan to pick out an awesome stepdad for your kids!" Hee hee!!!!
Now, buddy... you need to go out and get a life!!! (Friends male and female, but no actual one on one dating with men... always keep in mind you are too vulnerable. But H doesn't need to know about your personal life. Let him wonder!!!!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Doing okay.... focusing a lot on my new puppy!!! Had some strange things OW things happen (big story) which I won't go into here, but very odd coincidences. They don't effect my marriage directly... but it still upsets me and just proves what an unbelievable sleezebag OW was. Grrrrr!
Cali,
Have a couple more things to add.... don't say the word wife again. Instead apologize for how things have been and tell him for the children's sake you really want to be friends, it has been hard, but you share this long history so it's important to be FRIENDS and then bring in, very carefully, the concept that you are "best friends." Regardless of what happens, the history we share, I think in time, once the dust settles we can still be BEST friends.... for the kids sake.... By making him your friend and not your husband he can start seeing you more as an ally then an advisary.
Crumb, one more thing I wanted to add, but forgot....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Have a couple more things to add.... don't say the word wife again. Instead apologize for how things have been and tell him for the children's sake you really want to be friends, it has been hard, but you share this long history so it's important to be FRIENDS and then bring in, very carefully, the concept that you are "best friends." Regardless of what happens, the history we share, I think in time, once the dust settles we can still be BEST friends.... for the kids sake.... By making him your friend and not your husband he can start seeing you more as an ally then an advisary.
ROOT. I have done that already, we had that discussion about three weeks ago, and I truly thinks he understands and believes it, and I do act that way. We get along just fine, we can discuss things about the kids and be friendly etc. It actually surprises me that it is so easy and not as strained as I thought it would be.
I am going to post an update of the last few days in a bit, going to go respond to your other post first.
Being nice and loving someone enough to let them go and telling them you want them to be happy (even if you HATE them for the moment... and believe me the fury and anger I had toward my husband was HUGE!!!), is not the same as accepting what they are doing. You can still support someone, even if you think they are making a mistake.
Actually I have already told him this, in the very beginning. I know what I said the other day via text to him about the fact that I can not accept the fact that he has moved on is counter productive to that, but I felt like I needed to set a boundary. I was beginning to feel like he could expose his OW to me, and basically rub it in and that I would just be ok with it, just like if he had brought a new pet into the house. Maybe I was wrong, but honestly the way he has been acting in the last few days makes me think that he really only saw it as that. Me setting my boundaries. Maybe I am wrong, but at this point, I am not going to go back and tell him I hope he is happy, etc because right now I can not do that truthfully. I can see he is not happy, I can see that he is confused, but for now I will just continue to be his friend. I have decided that I just need to show him with my actions that I am his best friend, that I will support him, no matter how stupid I think it is, and that I am working on me. I think he is seeing this, but again I could be wrong?
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
And tell me, what seems stronger... A woman who is calm, working towards making herself and her life better in spite of a lot of negative stuff, or an angry bitter one telling her husband how much he's hurting everyone and what he's doing is so bad?
You are very right and this is what I am working on. I am showing him that I am calm, and working on myself. I did have a slip with the texts the other day, but at this point I am going to accept it as a slip and move forward with my plan. I am feeling more calm, and more sure of myself. I have less feeling down and pittiful times, and actually starting to feel a bit of my self confidence coming back.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Make sure you tell him you want him HAPPY and you are sooo glad he's happy with her.... even though, you might kind of slide in a comment about how most people's true happiness is ultimately with their family. Stress the FAMILY word in light happy conversations. How you love your little family. You might kind of mention how it's a little sad he's not really part of it anymore. But you feel so good about having your children and your family is most important to you... and you wish him the very best. And you KNOW he's happier now and that makes you happy!!! If you can kind of slip these little things in (happiness and family) in a clever and joking manner while supporting him you are cleverly planting seeds of doubt (think reverse psychology). But be very careful you do this in a very small way, otherwise it will look like manipulation.
This is a good idea, and I will see if I can work this in somehow over the next week or so. I will be seeing him again tomorrow, and possibly Friday because of the kids.
Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime
Now, buddy... you need to go out and get a life!!! (Friends male and female, but no actual one on one dating with men... always keep in mind you are too vulnerable. But H doesn't need to know about your personal life. Let him wonder!!!!).
Yes I am doing that. I have been going out, not telling him where, with who, just out. I am going to join the gym on Friday and start working out again. i have started to get back into the things I used to love to do. Photo albums, scrapbooking, decorating the house (right now the house is full of unfinished projects, half painted walls, etc), and dancing.
