You explained things so well and so clearly. I have had such a hard time trying to put the stuff in my head on paper, and you did it for me.
Quote:
We want some public announcement--I was wrong and you are a great person! You were right...or something like that.
Well, it doesn't happen that way. It comes in the quiet moments...and the LBS may not even notice. So watch for those...the moment he looks back at you as you walk away. The way he dips his head, the shadows in his eyes.
This was the hardest part, coming to grips with the fact that if he did come back, that he probably wouldn't be grovelling and begging, but may never even mention much about his absence.
This is the part that I did struggle with for so long, because I felt that I deserved so much more then I received.
This is the part where we have to grow up and make a decision to love this person unconditionally, letting go of the past and to move forwards.
I have seen the remorse in Beloved's eyes, in his actions, and sometimes his words. I know he regrets the bad choices he made, and is happy to be back home.
The ugliness of MLC is over now, there is no more spew, or vindictivness. But there is a broken man trying to rebuild his life and face his wife and children daily.
He had an offer to go back to CA and work for a few weeks, which he decided to turn down. I didn't ask him to, but he chose to be home with us. he told me that he didn't want to be apart from the family ever again.
This is the same man who basically ran down the garden path and couldn't wait to get the hell out of our home. He didn't even turn around and wave goodbye to me or the kids, he just left.
The one thing I must add to this discussion is that we can not have any expectations of the MLC'er. Absolutely none.
We can set boundaries, we can protect ourselves financially, but we can't expect anything from them in return.
If they return it will be very hard on the LBS if they are not of the right mindset to receive their Spouse.
Changes need to have been made in their own attitude and this is why newbies are told over and over and over again to work on themselves.
The changes have to be sincere and real. People don't change overnight. It takes months and months and years to see progress.
Even though the LBS is grossly accused of many bad things by the MLC'er, and they may be rather exagerated, there is usually some truth behind the accusations.
Control issues, not interested in sex, overweight, being ignored, taken for granted, the list goes on and on. The changes have to be made, because if not, you will end up right back where you started.
Even if the WAS never returns, these issues are still character flaws and should be taken care of, for yourself, for your own personal growth as a human being.
I am not the same woman as I was before MLC ravaged our household. I have grown up and have survived things I never thought possible. I have also learned how to love my Husband in the way he needs to be loved by learning his love language.
Oh one more thing came to mind...
Your WAS is not the end all of your life. The sun does not rise and set in their eyes. Your life can not stop just because they are not a part of it anymore. Life goes on and life is far too short to waste away pining like a lost puppy.
I know because I wasted so much time worrying and whining about every single little thing instead of living my life to the fullest. I missed out on so many opportunities while my Husband was out in the wilderness.
I will never get those lost years back, and neither will my kids .
If they are to return then it will happen when they are ready, and when they feel safe again with you.
Buy plenty of duct tape for your mouth, because the temptation to have your own spewfest will come up eventually!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
