He called back just a few minutes after I pulled into work (our offices are right across the street from each other) and asked if I was at a different office. I said I was still with the same company but that we expanded and I had my own office now. He asked if I'd gotten a promotion, I said no, but hopefully I will soon. He asked about a couple of other work related things and I answered. Then he asked if I was okay, I said yes, I'm fine (silence). I kind of perked up and said I would talk to him later and he didn't say anything so I repeated myself and he said I must have had the microphone on the earpiece covered up, sorry. Then he said yeah, and kind of paused I said okay bye. He said bye and we hung up. I think it went pretty well and I was glad that I held it together b/c I was on the verge of tears. He did sound a little down.
It didn't make me feel any better to have said goodbye first. I hope it made him think that I wasn't over here just waiting around for him..who knows what he thought. He did sound down and I wanted to run across the street and hold him. We've hurt each other so much during our relationship, I just wish he'd give us a chance to be happy.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
It has helped to spend more QT w/ my kids since H left. That is where my detaching comes in. I take them everywhere. They are my support when I need a lift me up. I can count on my girls. I just fill my days/nights & weekends w/ them. Sometimes we go to Books a Million and stay till closing or others jsut window shop, walk the mall anything to distract all of us.
I stopped calling for some time now and days go by when I dont think of OW at all. Dont get me wrong every now and then in the middle of the night I awake and hope my H would show up & say he's back to stay,but even those times are few.
I took the girls to get their haircut tonight. The girl that cut their hair is a member at our church and knows my sitch, her son and OW's son were in the same class last year (btw OW teaches 5th grade at the same school). Anyway, she asked me how things were going and I said ok, I was managing. She talked to me about how she was going to request that her son not be in OW's class next year b/c of all this. It just made me so sad b/c all I could think about was my H spending time w her and her son. I don't know if the relationship has progressed that far yet, but I think it will. So, I'm pretty bummed tonight. I can't talk to anyone about how I want to save my marriage b/c none of my friends or family think I should stay with him. I feel tremendous (sp?) guilt b/c of my A, and can't help but think this is why all of this is happening. I also don't understand what's wrong with me. Why do all my relationships end like this? Why have both my husbands left me? I don't want to be divorced again, I don't want to be single. I want my husband, I love him and I want him to love me. I know it's not all about what I want, that's selfish. I wasn't a good wife, maybe I can't be now.
Broke the rules, called my H Thursday night after I posted this. I cried, told him how sorry I was (again), I said a lot of things. At one point he told me I needed to stop being so hard on myself and feeling guilty about what I'd done. He also said he did something he said he'd never do (have an A), I said I said I'd never do it either. I didn't ask him to reconcile but I did say that we could do this b/c we were meant to be together, he did't say anything back to that. I said I would hang up b/c I didn't want to bug him anymore and we said goodbye. I sent him a text last night b/c he was on his way back from his parents and it was raining pretty bad. I told him to be careful and he sent back a text saying thank you. He seems to be softening to me but I don't know if this is just to help his own feelings of guilt. I know he still talks to OW and I believe they say ILY, but he told me he doesn't believe he can get remarried ever (religious reasons). The OW feels the same way so I think they plan on dating each other but not getting married. I've got to detach more, I'm driving myself crazy.
We've hurt each other so much during our relationship, I just wish he'd give us a chance to be happy.
Goodnight Mandi.