As a relative newcomer to DB and MLC board, I am trying to learn and decipher the techniques as fast as I can; but I am human and my strength and emotions are all over the place. I certainly didn't choose to be here-no one does I know. But I do need support! That much I'm certain. The MLC disease is real and it should be diagnosed and treated as such. Thank god for forums like this or I believe I would lose my sanity! Just reading these posts; I'm simply in awe of the similarities.
Please refer to my previous thread for background; but I need to move forward as my h has moved out and I'm feeling/well reeling in emotions I'm having difficulty handling. With 2 kids at home watching the events unfold; I know cannot be healthy.
Re: please help with advice, new here, H in mlc
Presently, its Wednesday and h moved to ss apt on sat-to be alone and gain his 'anonimity' so I can't 'check up on him'. I have no desire to do that but do miss my h terribly. Since then, h keeps stopping by to check in or see us/me?? I'm not sure; but for short periods which kills me at the end; why does he have to or want to leave?? He says he loves me but...just not sure he wants or can be with me. No future for us although future is exactly what was talked about until @ 3 months ago! He says he was just 'trying' and it was not really what he felt. Our retirement place is now up for sale!
Anyway, I have been reading like a maniac and do appreciate all the feedback and support so far; as I said this forum is a godsend. As I study the 'stages' I feel this has been going on far longer than I've realized. Even today; I think I'm seeing depression in him as he is very 'withdrawn and serious'. He says there is no ow but I can't be 100%. The lies had been spewing on a daily basis-so out of character of h. He was pushed out-so fast and furious-I think because of this fact; facing up to them. He apologizes constantly for 'hurting us' and the guilt is real. I just want to shake him and make him realize what is standing in front of him...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
Keep reading the threads here. Go to the resources thread on the top of this forum page. Go to MLC archives. And above all else, be patient, buy duct tape for your mouth, listen and do not speak, and did I mention patience!!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
HBT - You survived the weekend! I thought about you all weekend and really wished I could have checked in, but I didn't know if there was computer monitoring software on SIL's computer (3 teenage kids). I didn't want to chance it.
From what I have read, Lissie has been around for a while and knows what she is talking about. I think that her advice to "not let this consume your life" is great. It did me so good to escape from "reality" for a little bit. Lissie's question - what are you doing for you - is also good. Church was a good step - even if you did get a little teary. Do something else tomorrow - it does help.
Boy, your post above could have been written by me. It does just seem so unreal and foreign. I simply can't believe that this is the man that I married. I'm sure you feel the same way.
I will be on later posting on my thread to give an update but I have to run D to class. H will be there. I don't even want to see him. I know that the MLCer goes through stages...but does the LBS? I am feeling a lot of anger lately. I keep making the mistake of distancing instead of detaching - I know it is not right, but I'm struggling with my anger. If I distance, then he can't see the anger.
This is so tiring. Hang in there HBT and I will post later.
BND/Lissie, I am trying to shut it, honest. It's just all so new and overwhelming. I don't know which h to listen to, the one who lies at the drop or the one who says it will be ok which I know I can't trust anyway-he's already broke too many promises. Either way, he's calling the shots now. Has his separate place, own bank account etc. so I can't 'see' what he's doing. I guess he's felt powerless in our R. Except everything created in our sitch was his choice, traditional catholic values; stay at home mom, blah blah...and now thats my very downfall, I don't give him respect?! 'I do everything(household/kids,etc) and he has no say.' It's is so crazy and anyone that knows us will be or rather is shocked as I doted on him (w/o complaint I might add) but he says noone else (had to live with me)! Ouch!
Anyway, yes good question. I know I need to get it together/GAL; do something selfish, but my emotions are SO raw! I do love h and do see the "alien' he has become but what good does that do my heart which is breaking in a zillion pieces! The guilt is taking over too as my kids are watching me on this hideous adventure that we had no choice in but 'I created. It shouldn't be such a surprise since I brought us here to this place...'
To make matters worse; our family beach vaca which we've been going on for 15 years is in days...yes still going(already paid for) but who will be traveling for the ride is still a mystery! I can surely wager a guess though...
I don't know, call me crazy...but I don't feel in control at the moment...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
HBT I hope tonight finds that you are getting stronger. I know that the start of this is the hardest part, it will get better over time.
Originally Posted By: hanginbyathred
The guilt is taking over too as my kids are watching me on this hideous adventure that we had no choice in but 'I created. It shouldn't be such a surprise since I brought us here to this place...'
Please do not think that this was you, nothing that you have done put you in this place. I have been through this and still get the blame for being so bad for so long. It is not you and remember that, you can hold you head high even though sometimes it might seem hard. When this is all said and done you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror everyday for the rest of your life knowing that you did everything you could. I RCR gave you some great advise in you last thread, as well as giving me some of the same advise. Go back and read it, remember you are the rock that your children look to for guidance. Patience and even though my W would disagree Hope and Faith.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
I can feel all of your pain and after reading this thread I was you last summer.. He would come and get the kids hang out a little bit not really talk but be here and then say something to throw me into a tailspin and I would spend hrs crying.
I don't think I had a single weekend that I didn't cry.
Now I no longer cry over him it happens trust me.
The control issue is huge... very very hard to let go of knowing what he is doing. I now suddenly in the last few months have wondered again it hits off and on now.
I hated that he had a secret life with new friends and "NO" responsibility. I think that bothered me most for I had to keep the kids together and the house and gee... there was no time for me.
So I made time and I felt better and now I realize like this wk I am in a tizzy again and I forgot to make time for me. I am not talking about huge amts of time but little spaces here and there. Paint your nails or read a magazine do a crossword puzzle anything that makes you stop and sit for a bit and focus on something else. It really does help
Patience lots and lots of patience is needed. you will survive remember you are a woman you can do anything you set your mind to do. hb2
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
One of the best things I have done for me is to take a walk everyday. It helps me to clear my mind and think. At first it was really hard to quiet my racing thoughts. It's a little easier now. Doing something for you is probably the best thing you can do. I know the panic esp since you are a stay at home Mom. I've had to close a business, find work (I'm still only part-time, sigh) and deal with all this mess. We all know how tough this is. Try to breathe and be patient.
Hey guys, I'm having a really bad day. I've been reading and trying to keep busy, but to no avail; a set back. The tears just won't stop! Luckily the kids are out of the house; tried listening to music, but the songs just get to me! My heart is aching-w8ing are you there?? My h has been checking in but not today. I broke down and text him for the first time, big surprise-no answer! Just what I needed, it only took me an hour to send it. I guess it serves me right. Its ok for him to call or come over any time but the other way around...
I am so analyzing these past few weeks and I feel like I'm in a movie or something-this CAN'T be my life. I don't know what to do, my entire life has changed in a flash.
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
Oh, HBT - I'm sorry that you are having such a bad day - I know the feeling of despair that you are probably feeling. Every day after a new announcement (#1 - ILYBNILWY speech, #2 MC isn't working - we need to separate, #3 - I've contacted an attorney and am filing for D, #4 - I've signed a lease and am moving out next week, etc., etc.) I was completely useless. Stayed in bed all day reading the forums here and crying. I would try and move around, but all I would do is catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and go back to bed.
There is a section here on the different stages of MLC, but I wonder about the different stages of the LBS. There are times that I feel like I am experiencing a death in the family - the overwhelming sadness, the anger, etc. I wonder if there is something out there for us and what we will go through, how long it may last, how to cope, etc.
I do think that we need to grieve, but I think we both need to be careful about wallowing in it. It is so easy to stay inside and bury yourself in your grief. My bed is comfortable, my computer offers me some comfort...it would be so easy to hide. But that would just hurt you. And that is what you need to focus on now, minute by minute, day by day. When you start to focus on him, you really need to stop and say to yourself - enought about him, what about me. I have to stop myself when I start thinking about everything I will have to do...from plowing the driveway to driving the kids to school to getting car insurance in my name. I literally shake my head and stop thinking about it all at once.
Your last paragraph made me smile - while it wasn't funny - it certainly summed up my last month. And today my H told me that he didn't think he was moving fast..... I can't even imagine what he would think fast was?!?!?!?!?
If reading and listening to music isn't working - try something else. TV (sitcoms or something light)? Shopping? Working out or walking? Playing a board game with your D? Keep trying things until you find something that works to get your mind off of him. I know it is hard. I can only go a couple of minutes before I start thinking of my reality again. But those couple of minutes are good.
Remember that you can't control or fix him - only yourself. Therefore - work on you!!!
I'll be posting later to my thread and checking up on you. I have to run D's around to various things. Thankfully they are very busy and that keeps me busy.
