Trying to set those goals!

[NikB]

"I can do what I want and I know you will always be there."

Agent99 - you are handling yourself so much better than I did during our sep. My H is back as you know, and I have heard EXACTLY this phrase come out of his mouth. He's mad at me and resents me now for the way I acted, because he "knew" I'd always be here and it actually upset him.

He will never have a chance to really know what it feels like to miss me if he always has me hanging on in the background.

Funny, mine said this, too. "You didn't give me a chance to miss you."

Now... that said, it's HIS responsibility and you shouldn't take it on you to make sure he gets whatever it is he needs. But keep yourself accountable, don't accept treatment that's unacceptable to you. If you've read any of Oldtimer's posts to me or others on Boundaries, they are really good. I still haven't really "grasped" this yet, but the key component is that the boundaries are about you, not about controlling someone else.

Dom said it really well - change something about YOU and YOUR actions to protect yourself, if your boundaries are violated. You don't have to tell him what those boundaries are - he hasn't earned the right to know, and it's not about him anyway.

Ala "love must be tough", I think I need to open up the cage door completely, kick his feathery butt out the door and then move the cage. If he wants, he can always come back and see if I'm willing to try.

This is a big risk, but if you're ready to take it, it might work.

I also think the other alternative is Dom's second approach. And I completely, 100% agree not to "bargain" with him on it. He knows if he wants sex, all he has to do is take you on XYZ type of date. Yuck... how is that a challenge, or respectful treatment of yourself?? It isn't. Instead see how the date goes, how the chemistry is, if things are "heating up" and you really FEEL it (not in a logical, "should I or shouldn't I" frame of mind).

I think if you go with this, I'd also suggest that you NOT make dating too easy. Flirt, but then be on your way out the door to go out with friends (in aforementioned sexy outfit). Don't give too many details about where you're going or what you're doing. When you were first casually dating were you always available? Probably not, you probably had other plans sometimes. So do the same now - and don't make the mistake I did, canceling other things to go on the date with H. Don't constantly reject him of course and make sure it's nicely - "Aw man that sounds like so much fun but I already have plans! Maybe another time?" works.

I also agree on the dropping hints, but I'd leave off the "it's no fun to go alone" - it reinforces/implies that H is your only source of social or emotional support, you don't have anyone else to go with... so my response instead would be "I just haven't had a chance to plan it yet" or something like that.

Hope that helps some.