Changing mountains into speed bumps!!!

[DaveJ]

I grew up with 2 bothers and 3 sisters and it was very much the norm for us to rough house and torment each other. Especially to get our way or to get respect. I know how to hold someone until they cry uncle, if you know what I mean. So when I threw a glass of water on my wife instead of throwing a fist, as some people do. I see myself as having been in control over my anger, to some extent. Not saying that throwing the water is ok, but I see that it could have been a lot worse.

Well, my W grew up with 2 elder brothers that beat up on her all her life and that's still a no no. I learned it the hard way. I have never hit her or throw things on or at her or anything like that. Just couple times trying to prevent her from leaving. She still has not forgiven me for doing that to this day and it's been 5+ years. And of course anything she has done such as elbowing me in the chest or pushing me from leaving doesn't count at all. Those are considered "self defence". Not fair but oh well... I guess it's just about self control. In their mind if you lay hands on them it is very traumatic no matter what. They'll think, what will he do next? Hit me? Hit the kids? My W literally told me she was scared of me. I was shocked. I never have hit her and never will. Heck, I've never even resorted to name calling or swearing at her. Unless if you call telling her she is being mean to me (which she was being extremely vicious during the verbal fight) and calling her being a little person for holding grudges (which really set her off) as being name calling and abusive.... Sometimes you wish you can get an apology from the for the things they have done. You may or may not get it. But we have to be the bigger person and suck it up and own up to our faults and let go of what they have done wrong to us. Otherwise it'll just make us unhappy.

Really if you feel that much anger that you want to throw a glass of water on her, it's time to walk away and cool down. It's one thing if you guys are just playing around in a fun sort of way, it's another when you do it when fighting. That would pissed the heck out of me too. Not the fact that it's physical violence, but it's insulting and humiliating to have that done to you. Just tell her that you will discuss it with her when you have calmed down. I know it is sometimes hard because they know exactly which button to push to get you all worked up. I know my W does that sometimes and oh it makes me mad. They sure know how to get you where it hurts. Just tell yourself that in the end, you love her and she loves you, and she doesn't really mean it, she is just angry, and walk away. At least that's what I'm trying to work on. It can be pretty hard sometimes.

Good luck lovncela! I really hope your W sees that you are genuine and be forgiving and lets go.... I'm hoping the same for my W.