Just getting started peicing it back together 2

[OldFool]

I think that I must have jumped in this forum too soon.

You might be right. I'm sure it was hard not to get excited when you thought things might be moving in the right direction. Sorry your news isn't good. I'm right there with you and I worry that IWMIW isn't far behind.

I need one that has more to do with dealing with divorce instead of piecing.

You can come over to "Divorced But Not Done".

I feel so much heartache that I just want to get over her, but I just can't seem to get her out of my heart even though my mind wants to.

I hear that! I allow myself to feel bad about it, but try to make sure I don't let it get out of hand.

I am pretty sure she is having an affair with someone and I started to dig on that a little and just made me feel worse so now I just let my mind play the scenarios through and it makes me nuts. I thought that maybe if I could get proof that she is with someone else it would help me to get her out of my heart but I don't think that is going to work either.

Well, sadly, it wouldn't be the first time. There's no good answer here. If you don't know, your mind plays out every ugly scenario possible. If you do know (as I do), your mind plays out every ugly scenario you know. There is no good option so do what you have to. However, don't expect knowing to do you any good (it didn't me).

One question I have is this... If God put us together why are we going apart and if God does want us apart why won't he take her out of my heart and make this easier on me?

Hmmmmm. Well, I suppose to begin with, no one really knows if "God put [you] together" or not. It is possible He did, but I think it is just as possible He had little to do with it. However, for the sake of argument, let's say He *did* bring you together. That doesn't make us slaves. Your WAW has free will and can choose to go elsewhere (even if that choice is wrong).

I don't think God ever wants to see the institution (His first established on Earth) of marriage violated. As such, I doubt he "wants [you] apart". However, He does not shield us from the pain and hurt caused by the evil that exists in this world (if He did, we'd never see the results of sin and never see a need to turn from it).

In addition, this is a learning opportunity and, while He didn't cause this, He may be using it to teach you about your relationship with Him. We turn our back on God time and again, but He doesn't put us out of His heart. Instead, He calls us back time and time again saying, "I love you. Forsake your sin and return to Me."

Peace to you.

[jersting]

I'm back... Just when I thought that it was over and I was moving on, W calls and I hear her back pedalling again. I moved her out and bought her a new house and was moving foward in my life and now she is starting to call just to talk. I am handling this with an open but hessitant mind. I think now I should just continue moving on and see what happens. There has been alot of things happening in my life and when I have more time I will post more about it. I don't think I want this marriage any more, but I am not sure if I want to think about the rest of my life not being with my W. I am just living for today and I think right now that is the way to live. Not expect any future with her but see what happens.

[OldFool]

I am handling this with an open but hessitant mind. I think now I should just continue moving on and see what happens.

I think you're on the right track. Something might come of it, but I wouldn't change my thoughts, activities, or plans at this point unless some concrete steps are taken by your W to move things in the right direction.

[jersting]

How do I know what those concrete steps are without driving myself crazy? What I mean is... When she calls she tells me she is just looking for an excuse to call and when we get ready to hang up she says "bye babe"

[OldFool]

How do I know what those concrete steps are without driving myself crazy? What I mean is... When she calls she tells me she is just looking for an excuse to call and when we get ready to hang up she says "bye babe"

You need to stop and think about this. I can't tell you exactly what a concrete step is because there is no clear definition. It's kind of like the definition of pornography...you can't really describe it, but you know it when you see it.

In that vein, a concrete step would be saying something like, "We've had some problems and made some mistakes. Walking away wasn't the way to solve those and I'm going to stop today. Let's sit down and talk/go to counseling/see our minister." It might be ending a R with another man. Who knows. What I can say is that saying "she is just looking for an excuse to call", "bye babe", "isn't it sad", or what have you does not constitute anything more than meaningless chatter.

What's driving you crazy is your desire to believe such idle statements are concrete. However, as much as it hurts to hear it, they're not...and they never will be. So when she says, "Bye, babe", say "Ciao", hang up, and forget she said anything at all (because in truth, she didn't).

[jersting]

Thank you, I understand. I really appreciate your wisdom you share with me.

[OldFool]

Hang in there. Just remember, if you've done your share of the heavy lifting (so to speak) to this point, it is not unreasonable to expect her to do a little as well. If she can't/won't take one solid step back from the brink, she's not worth your time.

[jersting]

I will hang in there. I am moving foward and if she wants to join me in that I will let her but I am not going to wait around to see what she is going to do.

[jersting]

Wife came over last night and spent the night. No sex, just talked and cudled all night. I don't know what any of that means, just wanted to post to see if OldFool had anything to advise me of here. The good talk was just kiding around and we had fun with each other. A few tears came from her, but no real talk about what we could do to try and make a go of it. I still am staying open minded and have decided to go on with life and if she wants to come with me she can and if not I am not turning around for her any more.

[OldFool]

Well, my immediate reaction is "Wow" and "Hmmmmmmm". Not sure what to tell you here. I think you played it OK, all things considered. Were I in your shoes, I'd be worried she was messing with my head (both of them )! I guess I'd let it go for now, but make sure you're in control. You might consider setting some kind of deadline for just a single statement that moves you forward and if that is not forthcoming by the end of that period, putting a stop to everything and really moving on. If you don't, I worry she might be using you and could just string you along until you're no longer needed.