Looking for some support

[Willing NJ H]

Dis,

Ok man, I read all of your posts (but none of the advice anyone gave you because i'm short on time.) Sorry if I repeat what people have said, or if i'm blunt, but i'm a jersey guy and know how we can be. I'm assuming that, like me, you generally have a tough skin, and can deal with some strong constructive criticism.

First - our sitchs are very similar. Read my enitre first thread (willing nj H seeking DB help.) You've posted on it, but if your read every post, from the beginning, you'll see that I started like you. I listened to advice from several experienced DBers, and i've come a long way. YOU CAN ALSO USE THE ADVICE THEY GAVE ME!

Second - Your being like I was at frist. Get your emotions out of your head, and LISTEN TO THE DBers! You've got the jersey attitude, and sound as stubborn as I am. You hearing what these guys are telling you, but you won't listen. Your M is going down fast, you can't go anywhere but up from here. Since that's the case, stop throwing dead wight into your sinking marriage and work on what you can. Re-read DR several times. LIVE IT! The only chance you have at saving your M, is to let it go. I was told a few times, that DBers noticed a positive change in their sitch when they truly let go and accepted that their M may end. I had the same thing happen. If this has worked for thousands of couples, why would you be so afriad to try these methods? Your way isn't getting you anywhere, try something new. I promise that if you follow the DB rules, and listen to the DBers, you'll start feeling better and see some type of positive changes.

Stop Pursuing your W! Your putting way too much pressure on her, and showing her more of the things that she doesn't like about you. You are re-affirming that she is making the right decisions and making her feel better about her decision to leave you. If you were in her shoes, would you be attracted to a man who was spying on you, sniveling, crying and begging all of the time? Use the DB methods. Start "Getting a Life", "Acting as IF", and "Do a 180". These things help. Don't push her, give her space and work on you. IT WORKS! Remember, DBing isn't going to save every M, but it will let you know that you did everything possible to save your M. It will make you OK, no matter what happens. My W had an EA (possible PA), had a pic of her (fully clothed) in her friends bathroom with a shirtless guy that I don't know, etc. She told me she didn't love me, never loved me, never should have married me, etc. You read about my last convo with W... she told me that she knew she did love me, and expressed interest in working on us. It took me three months to get a positive comment, and she'd been considering a D for 7 months before that. I know how bad it hurts, there is nothing you can do. You have to stop all efforts to control her, what you want doesn't matter to her right now. You have to show her the man you really are. You really need to explore your past, and find out what the other problems are in your M. The only real issue I read in your post is a poor sex life... I promise you that in her mind, there are more problems. If she isn't willing to tell you what they are right now, work on what you think you and she could have done better (DR will help you discover these things). If you GAL, act as if, etc.; she won't have a choice but to stumble in her tracks and wonder if she's making the right decision.

I also live in the house with my W. I suggest sleeping separately for now. It will lessen some of the discomfort, and give her the space she needs. Do what you need to do to take care of the kid(s), but other than that, leave her be for now. Let her go out, let her do what she has to do to feel she has some control over her life and discover who she is. She needs to feel comfortable with herself before she can look at you in a positive light. Reconnect with your friends / family, and start going out and doing things for you again. Exercise, take up a hobby, start doing things you used to enjoy. (Exercise has the added effect of making you more physically attractive and relieving stress.) It will be very hard at first, but do not listen to yourself right now. Every set-back wil be more time that you are going to hurt and have to deal with this longer.

I started going to Dave and Busters, hanging with friends once in a while, working out/running, and left her alone. It has helped tremendously. Just remember, this is an extremely long road! You didn't get to this point over night, and it won't be fixed over night. I've heard some experienced DBers suggest that it commonly takes a minimum of one month for every year you were together, if there are no real set-backs. I don't know if it's accurate, but it helps me because I think "it's going to take me at leat 8 months, and it's only been 3." Hey, whatever it takes to make you feel better.

Watch yourself with the OW at your work. Flirting may feel good, but if the W catches wind of it, or you slip into an A, it will make matters worse.

I don't know if I caught everything that I wanted to, but I know you can do this. You have the attitude I did, but it's not gonna help you bro. Get everything you know/think about dealing with this out of your head, and live the DB/DR methods. Stop all snopping, pressure, and unnecessary contact. Stop the emails, phone calls, text messaging, etc. Unless there is a matter you have to consult her for (like children), leave her be. If you don't know where she is, it doesn't matter. If she doesn't come home, it doesn't matter. If she's out with an OM, IT DOESN'T MATTER! I know this is easier said than done, but it's the only chance you have. Kick yourself in the a$$, and get ready for the long haul. You have awesome support right now. SOFAR and these other guys are wonderful. They know what they are doing, and have made their own mistakes. They try to help us from having the same set-backs that they did, and I contribute all of the positives in my R to them.

My one last suggestion: if you truly value your M and want to wrok on it, wear your ring. It doesn't matter what she does. You want her to know the you are interested in fixing your M, making the necessary changes, and will be there for her. Don't tell her this, show her. Make your own changes, show that your still committed and not quitting by wearing your ring and acting as if.
Don't believe everything she says/does right now, she's not thinking clearly (and won't if you continue on the same path.)

P.S. - The more your post on other threads, the more that people will be willing to help you. Check out NOMOPO, KELLEY, DLT, EAA, Etc. I'll be checking on you, take it easy.

Where in NJ are you, new hope isn't far from me? I work near Trenton, and live in Burlington County. Maybe we can go out for a beer sometime if you need support. I have a few otherfriends with M issues right now, and we've been going out and having a good time.