First, I think you need to know if your WAS, is in MLC or not.
Aren't there Reconnections outside of MLC? Or is it that Reconnection outside of MLC is so different?
As for me...I focus on MLC, and so if MLC Reconnection differs from the rest, then Yes, you need to know if it's MLC.
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I am of the Opinion that many are not dealing with MLC, but a WAS.
Me too. Hopefully the advice still fits...
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I have a serious question to ask about reconnection; Do you really want them back?
How about Forward? Do you want them forward--no going backwards.
Who do you want forward?
I think it is safe to say you don't want the MLC Monster.
But what about your true spouse--the person stuck inside the Monster...Oh, but you have now changed and come to realize you didn't have a great marriage, he treated you poorly, you haven't been yourself for 15 years...and now you have found peace, strength, freedom...SELF...it's liberating. Great! And maybe that former person hasn't caught up with your growth--likely they haven't since the LBS moves forward faster.
Marriages aren't perfect. We grow together, we grow apart, we change. Sometimes we don't like our spouses changes, he doesn't like our changes. We pay more attention to the kids, dogs, careers. Is this grounds for discarding the vows...at least discarding without effort?
I know, I know...you are the one who tried...he simply up and left. But when did you start trying?...when he left? Many of us LBSs didn't know there was a problem until Bomb Drop.
You started making a conscious effort ot change, yes...but ask those in Piecing--those truly Piecing after long MLC separations...BND...ask her when the relationship trying really starts. Standing tactics...that trying is not the same as relationship trying--working on together trying.
And trying with an active MLCer more than presupposes failure...it pretty much is a futile effort...wait until the MLC is in the past...or at least near the tunnel exit.
What I want is not the man Sweetheart was...I don't want the man he was last week even. And I don't want the MLCer. I want the man he is and will be. I want the man he is capable of being. I want the opportunity to grow together and find out who we can and will be...together. I'm not getting a static person. I don't know who we will be in the future...so there are few requirements...basic morals and standards that are personal to each individual. Respect
Do I want Sweetheart--well, DUH, you know I do.
But I'll throw in my logic too...I invested in Sweetheart, I put love (and promises) into him and our relationship. And sure, I'm younger than many of you out there...so why not risk with someone else? But do you want him/her back is often a loaded question. It is a common question that needs asking...but loaded. Because we are not the person we were when our MLCers left, and they are not the person they were PRe-MLC and when they are at a place where they are ready to return...they will not be the same person as PreMLC or in MLC...and yet it is still not the same as starting over with a completely new person. Change does not erase history and love.
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What requirements would have to be met to open yourself to a reconnection/reconsilliation?
This question can be even more loaded. LBSs put up these requirements for a return...and who can blame them, really...but it doesn't happen or work that way.
MLCers often return broken. You are not getting a shiny new man out of this. After being put through the wringer of MLC...he's worn and ragged. He's afraid he's lost everything--and the majority of everything is YOU...the spouse. He's also so afraid it won't work...because he doesn't trust himself, that he may martyr himself...you are better off without him. Or he is afraid it won't work because you will be unable to forgive and forget and/or you'll hold his transgressions over him for the rest of his life. But even with these fears he begins reconnecting. It is a slow process because he enters the process on the defensive...fearing a backlash from you, and at the same time not wanting to hurt you. Any slight upset toward him from you may set him off--due to the heightened defenses. Since you are not privy to his inner workings, you interpret his behaviour in light of MLC Monster--the jerk etc.
Reconnection and then Reconciliation is NOT all in-fatuation highg like when you first met. You have known this person a long time now. Sure there are new things, but there are old familiar things too. And those new things might be exciting with antoher person...but there is skepticism when with someone more familiar than the back of your hand....like a fun but new sex technique...you wouldn't be upset that a new person had learned it from his former girlfriend...but your spouse may have learned it while cheating...UGH. But...he may have learned it from a video...still the OW idea is there and likely.
Some requirements seem so obvious...No OW contact. And yet even this one may not work. She may contact and he respeonds appropriately...every LBSs dream. But often an appropriate response requires a strong (not still broken) spouse. He doesn't want to be mean...he wants to be her friend, he misses some thigns about her--the OW/OMs are not bad people...they are making poor choices and behaving poorly; they also have good qualities.
Counseling...that seems like a good requirement. I made it a requirement...but only when I felt he was ready. I didn't push on the other returns because the OW was still involved...it didn't FEEL right yet. But we were still able to reconnect.
Maybe the requirements need to come in stages.
Apologies...is that a requirement? Verbal or behavioural? I feel showing is more valuable than mere words...though words can be a start...but others never utter the words, or they say similar words, but not exactly "I'm sorry."
An open heart...is that a requirement...he needs to let you in? Fear keeps the heart shut or the opening at least small...counseling will help here...but that means you need to make the decision to accept him back (and try, no guarantees)before the heart is opened.
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Would you take them back without them showing remorse or apologizing for thier actions? If your answer is yes, I think that you are setting yourself up for hurt later on down the road. I know many here disagree with this statement, but I am of the opinion that if someone put you though utter and total hell for a number of years and came back without any regret, apologies, or remorse, you are dealing with someone who has no respect for you and is just settling for you until someone else comes along.
I don't disagree at all. For instance...Puffy made Lisset and offer--"hey Babe, you can get back the prize, take the weekend to think about it." I do see subtle indications that he feels bad...occasionally--such as when he had to look in her eyes. But overall...no he is not there. But saying and showing aren't the same thing. Sometimes they don't show it as a gift to us...trying to earn back our trust and love intentionally.
I saw remorse simply in Sweetheart's eyes and body language...in his guilt. I saw it in his pain. Perhaps I brought it out in the open by showing my own empathy...but it was there all along.
We want some public announcement--I was wrong and you are a great person! You were right...or something like that.
Well, it doesn't happen that way. It comes in the quiet moments...and the LBS may not even notice. So watch for those...the moment he looks back at you as you walk away. The way he dips his head, the shadows in his eyes.
Sometimes what you are seeking here is not seen or heard but felt. Open yourself to all avenues for connecting to those sources of communication.
Reconnection takes its greatest leaps when you are least noticing...in the gaps between attention. Just stay attuned.
