Plank/WAW, thread 2

[oldtimer]

Oh, and gee, the quote AGAIN. ARRRGHHH.

""I repeated myself ad nauseum and pushed my own agenda for the nth time. WAS knows what I think, now I will start working on myself."

Oh, except you put it in these words...

"The rest, yeah. I think I could have said what needed to be said once and much more briefly. [blah blah blah] Regardless, I'm done. She's known I've been in love with her for almost 17 years now. It'll be interesting to see how she feels as I treat her as a friend for the first time ever."

[oldtimer]

The time to have an R talk is when the WAS chooses to work on the M and VERY CLEARLY communicates that choice to you, independently, without prompting.

If they haven't done that, then it is PRETTY DARN CLEAR where the R is. One person does not want to be in the M, the M no longer exists. No R talk required.

[oldtimer]

Of course, if you are ready to file or start dating or whatever, it is fine to communicate that in a direct manner. Again, no R talk required.

"FYI, I have decided to ___________ and I just wanted to share that with you. TTYL."

[Heimlich]

Kat, OT, CVA,

Thanks for the thoughts. Sadly, for me, you are all correct. Kat, not feeling very smart at the moment. I did let me emotions get the better of me.

OT, the convo on the first page was pushed by my W (I was in the process of walking away after stupidly beginning it). She asked how I felt and I told her. And, really, she actually listened for the first time. She heard me. I should have stopped there, but like wiggling a loose tooth, couldn't let it be. Kept thinking, OK, she finally really HEARD what I was saying and that one more conversation might do the trick. The sad thing is, I KNOW that one more conversation isn't going to do the trick. I KNOW that telling her that I feel like I'm back isn't going to help.

The talk this evening was stupid and gained nothing. Kat's right, I panicked. You three may wash your hands of me, please don't, but giving her my ring and giving her the succinct statement above felt right and they were received well.

Actually, my W did acknowledge that she had hurt me -- and that's a first.

I will quibble with you OT, that I have been working on myself -- other than my seeming inability to shut the hell up. (Oh, and I didn't bring up sex, she did. Even I'm not that stupid, hard as that may be to believe.)

Thanks again, everyone.

BD

[waw1978]

Hey H

Sounds like you got great advice above. I

know how you feel about the ring. I have struggled with wearing mine since this separation started. I took them off for about a week because I slammed by ring finger in a door but H flipped out about it and I put them back on. But I don't feel right wearing them. The M we had is dead. If we work things out I would like to have a commitment ceremony or something to symbolize our new beginning and have him put the rings back on my finger then. Probably sounds lame... from a woman's romantic point of view.

So maybe this could be something you work for...putting the ring back on once you two find your way back to one another.

In the mean time...I found the motherload...Craigslist (lots of used furniture) & The Christmas tree shop for furniture & housewares, cheap and local. LOL. Also hit up relatives and friends for cast offs. Not doing so bad in the empty home dept after all.

Good luck with the Mediation. (((Hugs)))

PS: Seven jeans are known for making the rear look great...and well worth the $150

[oldtimer]

Of course you have been working on yourself. Why else would you be posting?

Re the sex conversation. On the first page, you made the sex conversation ALL ABOUT YOU with respect to you not being able to throw her over your shoulder and ML. On this page, you made the sex conversation ALL ABOUT YOU and explaining YOUR feelings and actions.

If W shares anything with you now, and you make it all about you, you are confirming why she feels she needs to leave you.

Try hearing her and making it about her -- "yes, I did push sex. I pushed for sex over and over when I knew you did not want it. Because it was something you did not want, it was selfish on my part. It must have felt pretty gross to have someone pushing sex on you who you did not want to have sex with. It was inappropriate, it was selfish, it was hurtful to you. I am deeply sorry."

Try the 5 Languages of Apology, it might be helpful.

[Heimlich]

WAW/OT,

Actually, I would do a recommitment ceremony of some sort as well. I like that idea. Have some chick in me, I guess. And, duh, craigslist, YES! I'll have to start poking around there for a place to live.

I see what you mean now, OT. I've said exactly that to her about sex. I apologized about a lot of things in June because I finally really understood how I had made her feel and she said I was exactly right about everything I had written down.

The thing about sex is that she never told me or "gave in" as she put it, in bad grace. Plus, I can honestly look in the mirror and say I was a lot less pushy over winter/spring. Yes, I tried to make dates, but was OK if she said no and would try to spend time with her doing something else that evening (cards, games, TV, etc.). She doesn't see it. I know, she's looking at all the bad.

Feel naked without my ring. Hate that feeling.

BD

[oldtimer]

I want you to imagine your boss using these excuses for his/her sexual advances toward you:

"Plus, I can honestly look in the mirror and say I was a lot less pushy over winter/spring. Yes, I tried to make dates, but was OK if Heimlich said no and would try to spend time with him doing something else that evening (cards, games, TV, etc.). "

[Heimlich]

No offense, but that's an inappropriate analogy. This is a marriage, not a working R (unintended irony there). My point is, when I was making sexual advance -- I have made ZERO since she told me back in April how she was feeling -- I thought we were committed to making our lives work again. She HAD NOT TOLD ME how she felt about sex at the time. That I had been pushy in the past, yes. But I remember asking her on a few occassions if the way I was behaving was OK with her and she said YES. So, given my information and way she was acting toward me at the time, I thought things were going OK because SHE said things were going OK.

Would an advance be appropriate now? No. In fact, I've been hoping over these past 4 months that by me showing that I am committed to her, in (too many) words and actions she would realized that I love her for her, not for the delightful triangle between her thighs.

BD

[stewart10]

H:

In fact, I've been hoping over these past 4 months that by me showing that I am committed to her, in (too many) words and actions she would realized that I love her for her, not for the delightful triangle between her thighs.

HAHA. Takes the cake on the best post I have read all week.