CVA - Angels vs. Devils

[Not Much Left]

Rain
I believe in circumstances like mine and maybe yours, you cant defend, you can certainly say you understand how she might feel a certain way. It is disarming to agree w/ someone even if you are really not agreeing if you know what I mean.

I also think it will be hard for you to get somewhere w/ your W unless you are in front of a disinterested party where your W may feel safe. I talk from experience here. It was amazing how I could say something to my W and 1 hr later the C is saying the same thing and she is over there nodding and agreeing whatever. This I say from the last time I went through this. SOunds like your W is still to angry with you to have any productive ocnvo.

[waw1978]

Glad it flattered you. I just read all the things you are doing to improve yourself and wanted you to know that as bleak as the prospect of getting out there and dating again is, if it actually happens you will be more than okay!

[new_attitude]

Me: I asked if she was still going
WL: She says she hasnt been as her C said go see my C then come back and see her if she wants to come together or by herself
Me: SO I ASKED, So where are you on all that right now, we havnt really talked about it, do you want to go see someone together?
W: THE DREADED, I DONT KNOW.
Me: Can you tell me what that means?

It is amazing how I still get no response. She did say we will have to talk about this later. NOT GOOD?

I don't think her response is necessarily bad, sometimes "I don't know." means just that. She was probably surprised that you've switched Cs- keeping her surprised is a good thing, IMO. I also agree that it was probably not a good time for her to talk about it, since she was getting the kids to bed. I hope she brings it up to you tonight.

Anyhow, the conversation was not filled with any anomosity or anger or anything, just polite conversation with no commitment to work on it from her.

I think you handled the talk very well, especially considering your emotions over the last few days. Great job!
You must be excited to see the kids- enjoy them tonight.

[Handful of Rain]

I also think it will be hard for you to get somewhere w/ your W unless you are in front of a disinterested party where your W may feel safe. I talk from experience here. It was amazing how I could say something to my W and 1 hr later the C is saying the same thing and she is over there nodding and agreeing whatever. This I say from the last time I went through this. SOunds like your W is still to angry with you to have any productive ocnvo.

You know CVA, I think the same thing, that is why I keep on inviting her to see my C, it is Christian based C, as you know she only see a C, when she takes my DD11, but they only talk about the issues that my DD11, has and not my W's. She doesn't think that she needs C, but as you and pretty much everyone who knows anything about my sitch, knows she does. I just keep the door open, you know. Praying that she will one day open her eyes, and see what she has done to herself, the kids, and me. I am going to be fine, I have God, my family, friends, this BB, and my C, so I will make it with or without her. It's her (she has no one, other than the using and worthless OM, her unsupportive family, they think she is nothing more than a screw up and really no friends) that I worry about. Take care.

[dlt1]

Hey Cva, just got caught up on the last few days for you. I think you're doing well. get your rants out here, that's why we're here. I agree that getting both into JC would be the best move. My W is seeing our C separate from me. I todl C that I hope we can get in together at some point before any D becomes final. For closure if nothing else. I think W would accept if C suggests. Hoping for us both!
As for the thoughts/fears of dating. Thsi has been on my mind too. One, don't plan on it now (as I beleive you are not). Two, big key will be not actively pursuing a date. (Much like a WAW, let them come to you). Three, while DBing you have learned how to date...her needs, listening, validating. All the same with someone new, they like when a guy actually listens, does not just blah blah about themselves. Four, you found a wonderful woman once and married her. Lastly, why fear something that is not even your goal? You still have a W for now, and I bellieve you still want a M with her.
Hope I didn't get too far off base here.

[Nomopo]

CVA - I was thinking about you and your sitch this morning. Part of me feels like you need to take a month or two, and not force anything. You need to give W all the time and space and independence she (and you) can stand. Do not jeopardize your relats with your kids, but other than that spend 4 - 8 weeks really focusing/working on you. That is one of the beauties of the DB program. While you stop the chase, you focus on you (your issues too) and GAL. I think this approach would be good for you, your W and as a result your sitch. I still get the sense you are forcing things. This is hard for you. A 180 in fact. You are used to forcing things in your profession and that is why you are so successful. But your W and your M/R are not another work project. It's different. Ask yourself this: what could it hurt? What is the downside? What risk? It might even draw her closer. It might let her miss you. Just think about it. Maybe ask your (our) C.

FWIW,
Nomo

PS - I think this was prompted by me reading and thinking about your phone call with W last night about seeing your new C. Even in reading your description I felt the intensity, and pressure. I suspect W felt it too. Those emotions on your side, and her reactive emotions to that, will have to subside (if I am right that they are there).

[waw1978]

Just catching up on your sitch.

In regards to mentioning seeing the C, you mentioned it and got the ball rolling. Now its in her court. It didn't sound like a backslide at all. But as the great Nomo suggested take some time off now from focusing on the R so your W won't feel any pressure in case she did from the convo...Keep doing what your doing in the meantime. Your making great progress in recognizing the things about you that you want to change.

[Not Much Left]

Where do I start?

Thanks everyone for all your support, WAW, DLT1, NA, Nomo, Rain.

I actually thought this morning I needed to back away from everything, everyone, this board etc. Feeling like clingy CVA is back out and I need to put him away for a while so he understands his place in the overall being that is CVA. He is destructive and not sure I really even want part of him at all. We all have this part of us inside us, that need to be wanted and loved, it is the unhealthy part that overwhelms people that needs to be put out of his misery. Sybil anyone? How many of these crazy people are inside me? Wow, I am deep today.

Again, thanks to all, you are so kind to spend even 1 second thinking about a total stranger.

Have a good day, make it happen, they just dont fall in your lap.
CVA

[Handful of Rain]

CVA, Welcome to cling on anonymous, Hi my name is Rain, and I'm a cling on too, LOL

Seriously, I just posted a new reply to your reply, if you want to check it out, Thanks, Take care.

[Nomopo]

That's actually good stuff buddy.

Feeling like clingy CVA is back out and I need to put him away for a while so he understands his place in the overall being that is CVA. He is destructive and not sure I really even want part of him at all. We all have this part of us inside us, that need to be wanted and loved, it is the unhealthy part that overwhelms people that needs to be put out of his misery. Sybil anyone?

I am glad you are aware of this. That is the first step. I wondered about it the other day when you posted to the ladies for some affirmation. Yes, we all need to be wanted and loved. And, trust me, you will be.

How many of these crazy people are inside me? Wow, I am deep today.

A lot, I think. And one part of you that I think you need to discover/explore is what I believe they call the warrior within. I may have that wrong. This is the guy that defends you, protects, fights for your rights. I think this is who is in charge when the anger is most likely to bubble up. Hey, warrior CVA is a good guy. He has an important role to fill. And he does it well. But overall CVA (the aware ego, I believe) needs to be in the driver's seat, so that warrior CVA comes out when you really want him to, and so he can be controlled.

Kind of weird stuff, I know. But makes sense to me. And awareness is the first step to you (and all of us) realizing who we are today, and becoming who we want to be tomorrow.

Nomo

PS - I still can't believe you find me intense/intimidating. I am really sweet. See my smiley faces???