As I was catching up on this conversation, a few thoughts occurred to me….
A truly differentiated person is immune to both compliments and put-downs.
I agree in theory, but have yet to see such a person. I do not think this exists in reality, except maybe a hermit in a cave. The only other possibility I can see is if BOTH partners are somehow “truly differentiated,” which I would think is even harder to find. Unless both people are truly differentiated, the less differentiated person will always try to pull the more differentiated person into some level of enmeshment for validation reasons. If the more differentiated person resists, then the lesser person might leave the relationship.
Another issue I saw was that this idea of fishing for compliments should be considered in the context of the roles of the two people. I would think an avoider would fish for compliments much less than a pursuer. An avoider like my wife sees display of affection (to me, not the kids) as weakness and asking for a compliment would be even weaker. Her idea seems to be that people should be straight forward and give compliments when they are due, which is code for “compliment me without my having to ask.” Not surprisingly, she has a hard time giving compliments to me, which falls in line with her reluctance to show jealousy. All part of the defensive system of shutting down emotions and putting up a show of strength.
I think a pursuer will ask for compliments more readily. For a pursuer to pursue, a certain compromise must be struck with the ego and the fear of abandonment. It can be humiliating to continually pursue another. I think this can cause the pursuer to develop a lower sense of pride and self esteem because of this - pursuit means suffering a certain amounts of rejection. So fishing for compliments may not be as compromising to the ego of the pursuer as it is to the ego of the avoider.
Whether we are talking about compliments, put-downs, jealousy, anger or guilt, all these emotions can be swayed by others, but in the end they are controlled by ourselves. Where the line is drawn on how much others should influence us is debatable, but as long as we interact with other people, there will be and must be some influence by them. Otherwise we become too differentiated versus our partner and the relationship won’t last. If this is what you want, then fine, but as Mojo noted, "Actually, that's actually what I did do and when I "let him go" he left." So what's my point? Find a balance.
