That's kind of how I feel right now. I know it's not true. I know there are lots of people who love me....but the one person who should, doesn't "like he should" and "it's not fair" to me that he doesn't. So the plan is kaput. We are done. He said he worries that he's losing his best friend. He doesn't want to hurt me.
And still.....I am.
Sorry I don't have more of an update. I am just trying to keep my head above water and live. Day to day.
D started her first day of second grade. Wow. Last year we were all taking pics together. This year, just her. My little girl is growing up. She didn't even want me to wait with her in the gym. Guess I'm raising an independent girl. And I know that's a good thing.
One day no one will need me.
Oh - and we were supposed to go to a concert together in 2 weeks. I'm guessing that's off. I had texted him over the weekend and called a few times. Wasn't getting any replies back so I knew this was coming. God I knew. Even now I can feel the lump in my throat. I will not cry today. I had to leave work yesterday because I knew it was going to happen.
Anyhow - I know I'm just rambling. I'm sorry for that. I know things will be ok, but I can't help the broken feeling I have. The feeling that I am a fool, stupid - for having hope that this "plan" might work, that we might make it. I was looking at honeymoon trips. What an idiot I am. I even bought him hair gel and moved his bathroom things back to the bathroom. MORON. I am a fool. I am glad he finally told me how he felt. I just wish the plan had never been spoken of. I'm tired of feeling stupid.
Reminds me of an Avril Lavigne song...
Fall back Take a look at me And you'll see I'm for real I feel what only I can feel And if that don't appeal to you Let me know And I'll go 'Cuz I flow Better when my colors show And that's the way it has to be Honestly 'Cuz creativity could never bloom In my room I'd throw it all away before I lie So don't call me with a compromise Hang up the phone I've got a backbone stronger than yours La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la
[chorus] If you're trying to turn me into someone else Its easy to see I'm not down with that I'm not nobody's fool If you're trying to turn me into something else I've seen enough and I'm over that I'm not nobody's fool If you wanna bring me down Go ahead and try Go ahead and try
You don't know You think you know me like yourself But I fear That you're only telling me what I wanna hear But do you give a damn Understand That I can't not be what I am I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon Its not a simple hearing but not so soon I might've fallen for that when I was fourteen In a little more dream But its amazing what a couple can mean La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la
[chorus]
Go ahead and try Try and look me in the eye But you'll never see inside Until you realize, realize Things are trying to settle down Just try to figure out Exactly what I'm about If its with or without you I don't need you doubting me
[chorus]
La la la la la la La la la la la la la La la la la la la
Would you be laughing out loud If I played to my own crowd Try
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Guess I'm raising an independent girl. And I know that's a good thing.
