Separated from WAW

[dlt1]

Ha, I like the wink idea. I plan on the smile and confidence, two things I lost for a bit. Met with my C last night. To my surprise it went completely opposite what I expected. Thaought I would cry/grieve and seek comfort. Nope, I did talk about teh emotions I've been going through, and that I knew they weren't done. Then we talked about my W and her problems. The fact that she has not owned up to her fears and she has never jumped into a R with both feet, not even our M. I know part of why, and need to let C know, as it did not cross my mind initailly. Until W can confront her fear of true commitment, our M does not have a chance. Since I ahve no control of when or if that happens, I suddenly seem to have less worry. I still want my W more than anything, but I really have little control over that. Just need to keep smiling (and winking) and let her know only by my actions that she can trust me. As we beging to sort through everything on the road to the D, I am looking out for my interests, but in a fair way that I hope she appreciates.
After C, our friend whose wedding W and I first got together was in town. W was unsure if she woudl meet with me. Said if I was uncomfortable she would not, but I assured her it would be fine, and F would like to see us both. Called W back to let her know where to meet, she said she did not feel right. Was she hoping I'd let her off the hook by saying I did not want her there? We've talked about our future apart as far as seeing mutual friends and that. I had said I did not knwo how long it would take for me to not hurt. I'm over that now, (not really, but as far as she knows I am) and will make sure to have her invited to some events/get togethers.
Well, I am doing OK for the most part. C said she was very surprised at how humble and together I seemed. I let her know that I have had hard moments and expected them at the sesh, but felt this wierd calmness. However, a long day of work is ahead, and as I keep busy, I find my mind wanders a lot.
It's going to be hard working with W on terms of the D. A process that may sink in with her, but could very well bring out a defensiveness. Oh well, can't avoid it, and have to be sure my needs get met through it all.
In the end, I worry that W will not really deal with this for some time. and when it finally hits her, it will hit so hard. I just wish she would take the time to hurt now. C asked if I ever saw W cry, I can't think of one time. I've never truly seen a sadness from her.
Oh, and I told C about W's BF, the gay guy. I assumed she already knew of him, but did not and was intrigued. She said it did sound like a type of EA b/c she was able to be vulnerable and completely open. B/c W feels safe that there is not other motives behind BF. W has always had a male BF through her life. I am sure this is a big part of why her R's always ended on her terms. She had the boyfriend for romance and fun, and then the EA friend for her deepest feelings. Man, you know I can't tell her that! I hope she comes to this realization in C. May not help us, but God knows she does deserve happiness, but she is the one who keeps blocking it. I feels saddest know when I think of this. She can have so much more if she believes and lets herself risk.
Thansk for the support! I find that I do need this site more than I thought. Was going to stay away b/c I thought it hurt too much. But getting it out, and checking in others is sooooo relieving.