Last night... Get the kids and get home. Cook a nice dinner for W birthday. She gets home around 6:30 and we sit down. Towards the end of dinner, she tells me she needs to talk to me before I go to the counselor. My heart dropped, felt sick. Couldn't enjoy the rest of dinner. Kids went and got their presents for mom and we brought out the cake. She loved their presents which made me feel good. So now I'm constantly looking at the clock waiting for the bomb to drop. Finally I say I need to go, so we go outside to talk...
Suspense killing you yet??
I was expecting something like, I filed or I found an apartment, etc. She only asked me what I was going to talk about at the counselor. I told her I was going for me, to talk through some of the issues and concerns I have. She started talking about how things were going with us. Said she was confused by some of what has happened recently and wanted to know where I stood. I guess she was thrown a little by my offer to look for apartments and was wondering if I was serious about that. Told her that I was truly committed to working on the M, but I understood where she was now. She said she was uncomfortable with the state that we are currently in. A limbo of sorts where she is just waiting the 3 or 6 months for it to be over.
Started talking about dinner the other evening and I apologized for crossing certain touching boundaries. This had been bothering me, as I felt I had pushed a little too much. She didn't seem to have been that bothered by it, but did say the dinner atmosphere was a little too romantic which made her uncomfortable. I brought up the txt message after dinner and asked if had been the OG. She said no. Then we talked about that R in general. I asked if there was anything more than just friends. She still says no. She talks to him, but nothing going on. Told her that I had stopped snooping, and that it had only made me crazy and gotten me in trouble. One strange thing she asked about was what other things had I been looking at besides the phone and computer. I said there was nothing else, and I was done with that anyhow.
I asked her about the upcoming vacation. She is still planning on going for which I am very happy. Need to take this week to just have fun as a family with the kids.
Went to the therapist. Nothing notable. Just basically vented to her. When I got home, helped the W getting the kids to bed. She was already in her PJs. I hadn't given her my gift yet, so I brought it out. It was a pajama gram. She opened it and the card. I had stayed away from anything too mushy or lovey. Just wrote in the card that we were best friends and I wanted to keep that in our relationship. She actually offered to change into the new pajamas.
We talked a little more. Mostly about the snooping stuff again. I told her about how I had completely misread something that I had found in the past. It was an instant message dialogue that when I first read it, it sounded very suspicious. I had looked at this for months and months and let it linger, but I went back recently and when I looked at it again, I realized I had completely misinterpreted it. She's been suspicious of me also and snooping a little herself. I've recently gone out and bought new cologne (which I've never bought for myself) and new underwear. She's noticed this and was a bit curious. Told her a little about the DBing recommendation to make changes and to do something different. That it was primarily to make me feel better. Not to mention all of my boxers are falling apart.
Talked a little about the physical touch between us. I told her that things had been very tense and uncomfortable around her, as I'm always conscious about this. She said she didn't want to give me the wrong impression. I said I understood how she felt and that a kiss or hug wouldn't get my expectations up; that it was just a nice comfort. I mentioned that it drove me crazy that I had kissed her mother more times over the weekend than I had kissed W. She gave me a goodnight kiss which was nice for a change and I actually slept soundly through the night.
