I'm new- I'm not sure if I'm posting right- My H & I have been married 10 yrs. We've had an incredible bond that has gotten us through some really rough times. 4 years into our marriage H had surgery that led to chronic neck pain, and then 2yrs ago to pain med. addiction. I thought it would be the most awful thing I would go through. I was lied to & betrayed. He spent 3mo in rehab. I stood by him, went to C & we repaired the damage (to ourselves & our M). He's been clean since. We decided to have kids. I found out I wasn't able to get pregnant. We were strong, decided to do IVF. It failed. It was a horrible disappointment. We decided to take a break from the baby thing. We had our 10yr anniv. had an amazing vacation & talked about how far we'd come, all we'd gotten through, and how we were at the best place we'd ever been. That was in May. In June, things started to change. He started excercising alot (late at night), becoming distant, and not wanting sex. He said he was the most in touch w/himself & he hadn't felt better. Started blaming me for some of my traits. H found out his dad was really sick-flew back east to see him. He came home not missing me (very out of character). He stayed out late all week, then went on a trip w/some guy friends. Again, came home, very distant. I started to talk about things & he'd say he's doing what he needs to do. I got suspicious. I found out about a "friend" he was calling alot, late at night. I confronted him with having an affair. He said it was innocent, & he'd kept his friendship from me because he knew I didn't like her. We argued, then let it sit. A week later I had this gut feeling to go by her work. His car was there. He came out 2 1/2 hrs later. I asked later where he'd been-he lied, and I busted him. We argued, H said she was just like any of his guy friends, and that he wouldn't end the friendship. Started saying things about the uncertainty of our R, and that she has nothing to do with our problems. He left again to help his dad, who's dying. He lied to me about where he stayed the night before he left. I don't know what to do. I'm angry, lost, and confused. I want to know if H is having a PA. I don't know if I can go through rebuilding a M again if he's having a PA. Should I contact OW husband? I need answers. Please shed some light. _________________________ ME 31, H 40 M 10 NO KIDS MLC? PA?
ME 31, H 40 M 10 NO KIDS MLC? PA? BOMB 8/22/07 ILYBNILWY WANTS D
Oh my goodness. I suppose the stress of all the things in your lives could lead to an EA that may be a PA. Sometimes I think they are one in the same because it is so innappropriate. What I do not get is why he would seek solace elsewhere when you have been his rock and support. That part sounds like a classic MLC because the book mentions the impending death of a loved one or illness could trigger feelings of mortality. Welcome to LaLa Land. They will lie to protect their spouse and because they fear getting in trouble. In their eyes, that is loving. They will do things to escape the stress of their reality and that reality includes the loyal spouse. It sucks. You can give unconditional love and wait faithfully or get out. Sounds like you want to stand by your man. I am and I sometimes feel like I am suffering some emotional abuse by being with a MLCer who sleeps elsewher. It is cruel. Read everything you can on infidelity and MLC. I would not contact the OW. She is really not the issue. They say that pushes them closer together. They know it is wrong and they do not care. My H's OW could not care less that she wrecked our home. If I had known about it earlier I would have spent more time with him, but it may have not helped at all. Don't snoop. Be caring. Don't pressure. You are in for a rough ride. Call a DB coach if you need.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thank You for your reply. I don't know if I want to stand by him. I feel like I need to know if there is a PA so I can make that decision. If I hadn't been through what I have already with his substance abuse, I might feel differently. It just makes me sick that he's lying to me and jeopardizing what was for BOTH of us the most sacred thing in the world. I know everyone probably feels this way about their S, but I never in a million years would have thought he would be capable of this. The changes did start happening before his father got sick. If this is an MLC, he's covering it as this new way of thinking and seeing things, so as not to "internalize other peoples problems" and "it's what he needs to do to be his best self". This all started after reading a few books. I said he was taking it to an extreme. Now I'm starting to see the bigger picture. Of course he's making me feel like I'm crazy. I appreciate your advice, but what if I need to know?
ME 31, H 40 M 10 NO KIDS MLC? PA? BOMB 8/22/07 ILYBNILWY WANTS D
Pickled, Wow, you are the second person in the last week that posted about your H having an A after a failed IVF. I'm in the same boat, and I've been entangled in his A for 10 months, so I will try to help. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that I am sorry that you are going through this. Unless you go through it yourself, people don't understand the pain, sadness, and disappointment of not being able to get pregnant. It is absolutely horrible and then to top it off...a marriage falling apart because of it is the worst thing that I have ever been through. H and I had a failed IVF cycle in 7/06 and he started his A in 10/06. He told me about her in 11/06, so I knew early on sort of like your sitch. He did not deal with the baby stuff at all...he wanted a baby and he wanted it now. It didn't happen, so he found something to take his mind off of it, OW. OW is a crazy, conniving, manipulative woman, so my sitch may be the extreme. She convinced him to buy a house with her after knowing her for 1 1/2 months. The rest is history...he just kept digging himself deeper and each time thought he took it too far to change anything. In my heart, I know my H does not want to be divorced...he loves me. He screwed up and can't face his own demons. He is too hung up on the pride. He destroyed our marriage. He is still with OW...I think that she thinks they are going to get married and have the children that we couldn't...I don't think he thinks the same.
I understand the need to know if the his affair is an EA or PA. If I was you I would assume the worst and hope for the best. If I had to guess...it's a PA. His behavior is similar to my H's...distant, blaming me, etc. My H confessed to me, so I really can't help you with finding out.
Okay, so to lend a little advice from what I learned from my mess. Your H is going to do what he is going to do and you can't change it. Go out and get your life back...then decide if you want to end your marriage or not. My biggest mistake was spending too much time worrying about H and how the things I did would affect everything. I should have started GALing in December, maybe my sitch would have changed. When H senses me moving on, he usually attempts to pull me back somehow. Don't worry too much about what your H tells you. My H had his mind made up in a few weeks that he was moving to be with OW. Since then, he has wanted to come back home multiple times...he just isn't man enough to fix things with me. It doesn't have anything to do with me...all to do with him. His character is flawed...he is broken. I hope your H isn't like mine. I hope he will step back and realize that you are a great woman that you are struggling with the same issues that he is and that your marriage is worth saving. Start tomorrow...or today yet if you have the energy. Your marriage can survive this. Oh and by the way, you aren't crazy....none of us LBS are...our WAS just make us think we are.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
"Cat, ACJ...and others...I so relate to what you are saying...but keep heart...keep compassion
My H was very damaged emotionally as a child...I knew some of the horrors of the abuse but not all of it...he always assured me it was taken care of...that he was ok...well when the MLC hit...and he lost his job...felt like a failure because things didn't go his way...all hell broke loose in his life (and mine)...
I can say that even when he returned he was like a pacing caged animal...he couldn't handle the slightest disagreement even if it didn't involve him...after many many different problems coming up he did eventually get help for alcoholism, some help for past issues....and he is on AD meds...this was the biggest challenge...it took time and changing meds...not a smooth road to keep him on but now that we got the right meds for him he is doing GREAT!!!
For what it is worth I did call the OW...the first time she denied the PA and I stupidly believed her...when the proof fell in my lap I called her back (it was sometime later, not right away that I found out she lied)and I was not so nice when she didn't answer her phone...I left messages for her, her family, whoever got the messages...it wasn't pretty...but you know what???...H told me much later that my "involvement" made her feel guilty...and things started dying down (i.e. she began looking for OM and found one)...so don't feel bad about that one...it might work to your advantage...
I would really suggest to do what you can...to get H to "want" to go to the Dr and get treatment...for whatever...I know this is hard with men...but I can say that my H felt a 1000 times better when things started going right...I started by letting his doctor know what I did...his doctor took from their and talked about depression with him....H was still drinking and had a few episodes that forced me to call 9-1-1 to get him into the hospital to detox...again, the doctors talked to him...he got a lot of the crap out that he was holding in...eventually he did tell me some of the horrors that happened to him and his siblings...this is when I knew he was on the right road...one that he wouldn't have found had I given up...
So hang in there...I know it hurts...I know it is so hard...but if you "SAVE" your H...how much better in the end will you feel??
Take care...Lin"
I'm printing this, not only because Lin went through something like 18 months of separation and now seems very happy in her restored marriage--but because she also contacted her husband's "friend', with good results. I'm not sure how I feel about this technique. I don't think that it is authentic DB'ing, should you give a flying flip for authenticity. But several women on these boards have found that it can work.
Many women, also, against advice, try to discover proof of a PA. I'm not sure that this is a bad thing, either. To some extent, if you're going to be dedicating so much positive energy to someone who is hurting you terribly, you need to know exactly where you stand, and what you will stand.
Confronting your husband will only make him dig his heels in deeper, and it is unlikely that you will get the truth from him.
If I were you--and knowing what I know now--I would immediately start doing things with other people. I would start acting happy---as wretchedly hard as that is. And I would treat your husband politely, but with plenty of hints that he has lost status in your life. He is probably at some obsessed stage with his friend, and you may be fairly sure that the A, of whatever kind, will cool within a few months.
But if this is a deal breaker for you, no one will blame you, I think, if you choose to give up.
You should think carefully, though, and realize that your H is likely having a midlife crisis; and you've known him long enough to know the man he truly is, underneath the crap.
So bless you--and think carefully. Think with your mind and your heart (know that's impossible, but hey...) and give yourself plenty of time to change your mind back and forth, as a lady's indulgence. And most of all, cease all hostilities. I can promise you that baffling your husband with your strange calm and apparent joy in life is worth the price of admission.
When my H told me about his A my reaction was to cling on to him and plead with him to stay. Well I got my wish except there are 3 of us in the R. He obviously hasn't got the guts to go.
Re OW's H? If I could I would tell him because he deserves to know. Your H is lying to you, that's for sure. I read in some cases that confronting H with evidence is enough to make them end the A. You can only rebuild your M when OW is out of the picture. Ask yourself, what do you want and what specific steps can you take towards those goals?
For example, if you confront him, with some class of evidence and he confesses but refuses to stop seeing OW, what will your next step be?
For sure, you will be angry, confused and upset. Realise this is not the time to make long term decisions or fling ultimatums about, unless you want to drive him away.
Keep reading the forums and take heed of all the good advice,
Thank You so much. I did call the OW H. We met. He new about thier friendship, she hasn't been hiding it like my H. But they are seperating and talking about a D. He asked her what they were talking about and she said the same things my H said they were. Her H said she's never lied in the past so he's going to give her the benefit of the doubt. He also agreed that their friendship was inappropriate, but where they're planning a D he said he couldn't make any demands. He also confirmed if my H has been defensive, and lying there's obviously cause for concern that it's an EA. He did make me feel slightly better that she hasn't been out of town. I thought when my H has been they might have met. He said they've been fighting and she'll leave and come home late. But it doesn't prove anything. I don't know why he would lie to me about where he stayed the other night though. Her H said she wasn't out all night that evening. My H is still away with his dad. The timing of all this couldn't be worse. His father is dying of cancer, and may only have a few weeks to live. Her H suggested I talk to her about my feelings about thier friendship. I think with what's happening with his dad I need to bide my time, focus on myself, like everyone's said, and address the lying or the OW at a better time. If I do anything now, it will be sure to blow up in my face. I feel slightly better about things, and all of your advice has meant a lot. Thank You.
ME 31, H 40 M 10 NO KIDS MLC? PA? BOMB 8/22/07 ILYBNILWY WANTS D
====================================== he's making me feel like I'm crazy. ======================================== First of all, NEVER ever let him make you wrong so he feels right for what he is doing, he needs to excuse his behavior and throw you off.
Don't put your hopes up about any change if you talk to her, it might be even damaging to you, if you decide you must do it by phone. Does sound like MLC, what with his dad dying and the denial. =========== Her H said she's never lied in the past so he's going to give her the benefit of the doubt. ================= Oh yea, and I thought my sweet H would never leave under the cover of the night and have an A.
People carrying on As and in MLC will lie through their teeths, big lies,little lies, it becomes 2nd nature and in the end they can't even remember what they've said about anything (I've sooo BTDT) I even caught evidence my H was seeing the op again and he lied so much and was so convinced i believed him that time.
He prob will say no, but suggest C, if he won't go you go for your own sanity. You might be in for a long ride.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Pickle In your situation you are probably right to wait. having said that there is never a right time; life and death just keep on happening regardless of our personal grief.
I go with the view that you can't believe anything they say.For example you might hear something that cheers you and makes you feel things are moving on but within hours, sometimes, the position changes. This yo yos with your heart and causes you more pain. So learning to detach is a good way to protect yourself and keep your PMA.
