Just a little insight for you on getting over the OW...it takes TIME!...my H was still "in love" with the OW for a good year after they totally broke things off...it took another year before he could tell me he love me again...
While it seems they changed over night when they exited...in fact they didn't...it took time for them to develope feelings and to loose feelings for you...which means a reverse of that needs to take place...they need to "unlove" their OW and start to love you again...it all needs time...it has been 12 weeks...at least he is talking positively with you...hold on to that...I am not sure making him leave now would be the best option...but that is my opinion based on how my H was when he returned...
Lin I totally see what you mean; he would have to fall out of love and it would probably take a long time. Last night he asked me why I don't throw him out like any other woman would do? I said I couldn't make his decisions for him. So we're on the see-saw again. I thought he was on the verge of going and now he's asking me to tell him to go.
When my H went to IC for some other issues he explained (leaving out his A of course) that we had been separated for some time and SOME of the things he had done vs my reactions to them, which were not always DB'ing and good...the C told H that "Your wife has true love for you. That is rare, most women would have kicked you to the curb."
Right now you are showing your H true love...things that I might do instead of kicking him out is ask him why he needs to talk to her instead of you...leave him alone physically...if he wants to ML (which my H didn't) I would tell him you don't share him physically or emotionally with another woman although you do love him and hope he figures out what he wants...you aren't asking him to leave because of that bond of love you have "right now"...and you pray that you won't lose that...but you never know?
I would continue communication with him, enjoying his company, going out...but keep it more platonic...let him know you are giving him time to fall out of love with OW so that he is free and clear to fall in love with you...IF that is what he wants...and then I used to tell my H (again not DB'ing) that I truly did love him and that if he thought SHE could love him more...I thought not...now he does admit she probably didn't love him and he is fairly sure he really didn't love her...it was just a mixed up mess of emotions he got involved with...
ImLin-That is a beautiful sentiment. Why is that not DBing? Is it because it is too confrontational? I know I read never to say ILY but then we just show love, right? I get swiss cheese brain sometimes on how to act. Cold or loving, detached or as if, dark or light?
I want to right down your quote ImLin and carry it in my back pocket. When I see him I just clam up and get all tongue tied and emotional. It is hard not to say the things I want to say.
Again, I hate that all us good people are going through this but I am glad we have each other! ReOW- Sometimes I think of the OW as a stray cat or animal that is so bad for the home but my H always took in strays. It was in his nature to nurture creatures who were troubled. I figure OP are not the issue but have made it easier for them to stay away. I just hope this does not end badly for us when they end it with them. If they were troubled enough to be with a married person than what else are they capable of, perhaps they are just ignorant and being lied to also.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I hope so Lin, I really hope so. Way, way back he said I must be either stupid or very understanding; this was before I started DBing. I cannot talk about OW anymore. I'm done with that. As far as telling him I'm waiting for him to fall out of love he would laugh in my face. OW is the one and that's that.
I once asked him if OW is the one and so wonderful why was he still here? The first thing he said was that he loved me and that's the story he tells her. She swallows it and so do I. The story I tell myself is that OW is going to drop dead or he'll fall out of love and come back to me as my H. But it's just a story.
Yes we're in the same house and yes we go out together and yes we still love each other but I wish he would go.
