Nomopo's Sitch - Patience, Patience, Patience

[Nomopo]

bar,

Thanks for the support. Patience is a battle every day, but I am seeking a new level of enlightened bliss (a la Sunny). As for the journaling, you have no idea. You missed my first 8 threads! I still have all of it thought - 60 plus pages in MSWord and that's small font.

Nomo

PS - more journaling to come soon, so stay tuned.

[Not Much Left]

Hi Nomo! How is life for you today?

[Not Much Left]

Nomo
Just read your note to SD
I dont have email right now so...I think I just "shook it up" a bit myself.

[Nomopo]

Hmmmm. 48-hour rule? These things should be well thought out, and not done on emotion. I have been considering this for a few days already, and probably won't make a final decision until a few more days pass at least.

[alk24]

You are learning patience. Good on ya.

[Nomopo]

Who me? I have patience, but think I might be running low.

[Not Much Left]

Nomo
I could have stayed silent, it just seemed the right time to have a chat about where we are. No resolution at all. SHe at least knows I am not just sitting around and want to discuss things. I actually think she was under the impression it was OK to keep things the way they are right now while CVA walks on eggshells.
I left an important part our of my description that I want to discuss w/ you when you are ready.

C

[Nomopo]

CVA - can you send me an email or do you prefer phone?

Ok. Want to do some journaling so I don't get too far behind. I still need to post about my DB coaching session last week (hopefully later today), and also about my IC session Friday morning, but other than that this should get me caught up:

Journaling:

Friday, August 10th

I lifted weights early morning, and had an IC session a little later in the morning. It went well (details to follow), but we spent the vast majority of the session discussing the prior day's JC session. Prior to my IC, I had been tempted to drive by the house to see W after our emotional call. Thought I might bring her coffee and thank her for listening. I also thought about just calling her. Decided to pass on both of these ideas. But, after the session I picked up some challah from a bakery in the neighborhood . D4 used to bring home challah from this place on Fridays from her pre-school. I decided to bring some to W at the office for her and the kids to enjoy this weekend.

I called W from the car as I was approaching downtown. She answered "hello," and I said "hi." She said "oh," and sounded surprised it was me (I guess she didn't check or see caller id.) She said "hold on" and got up and closed her door, and then asked very sincerely how I was doing today (because this was the day after our JC session and after I had called her to talk about some things in the session). I told her "Really well," and said thanks for asking, that it meant a lot to me, and that I was doing really well. She said "Good. I'm glad." And I asked her how she was and she said goods. I said I knew I was emotional, that it had been tough, but that it was in a good way, just powerful. She agreed ("I know") and we talked a bit more about it. She asked if I had my IC session and I said yes, and that it had gone really well. I then told her about the challah, and she said the kids would be excited (especially D4). We also firmed up plans to switch some nights because of my trip to Disney with the kids. I had offered and she was appreciative and accepted. All in all the call was calm and pleasant.

We met downstairs, I was in very casual clothes (jeans; white t-shirt), which she asked about, because I was heading to airport in just a few hours for the Orlando DB trip. W didn't seem to remember my trip though I was sure I had told her a few weeks ago. I offered that I was going to Orlando to hang with some friends. She didn't push for any more details (because I know she doesn't want to share details with me about her trip. It was pleasant, brief exchange. I may have ended it a little abruptly, awkwardly. I initiated a half hug, and she capitulated. I think I may be doing that too much. I was kind of hoping we could get back to hugs, but there is no point if she doesn't initiate it. Only if she initiates it will it mean anything.

I arrived in Florida, met up with Kat and GD in the airport, and headed to J's house. We had a good night visiting and talking for a long time, and our hostess prepared a FANTASTIC home cooked, Italian meal (with a chocolate dessert!). Also consumed a number of tasty brews (Sam Adams and Dos XX.) At one point, I called home to talk the kids. It was pretty quick call as the kids seemed engaged in some activity. I also talked to W very briefly, and I think it was friendly but nothing particularly noteworthy.

Saturday, August 10th

I spent the day hanging with my DB friends. We had a relatively late brunch/breakfast after GD pumped iron in the hotel weight room, and I lounged in front of the TV and bulletin boards. Donna joined us during lunch. Afterwards, we went home to change clothes (getting ready for the big dance), and headed into town for more libations and socialization. We met up with SuperDad and Sara at our first stop and then headed to the Lindy Hop beginner's lesson. After the lesson, we watched the more experienced dancers for a bit, and also watched GD dominate in the newcomers' competition (despite the biased, locally slanted judging).

At one point during the dancing, I stepped outside to talk to the kids. I called the house and MIL answered. She was babysitting. Although my mind started racing, I resisted the urge to ask where W was. Admittedly, my thoughts raced for a bit. I hate that. (Need more detaching.) I'd say it bothered me for about 30-45 minutes, but I reasoned that it most likely meant nothing and I leaned on some good support to calm me down and get me refocused. (Thanks Sunny!)

Our DB group then headed out for a great dinner, and afterwards we headed back to the dance hall to watch the last events and hear the results. (J tells me a table of women (perhaps a little older than me) were checking me out as I left the restaurant. I did not notice at all (rusty, I guess), but who am I to question J? I'm thinking it is my newly toned tushie.) At the awards ceremony, GD was literally robbed of a medal (and we booed and threw fruit accordingly). Eventually (after some highway escapades - yes, you Sara - and a lost cell phone episode), we made it home for some quality sack time (though rumor has it the girls did have the pillow fight in their panties as promised).

Sunday, August 12th

I slept as late as I could, and then GD and I joined the DB team for a brunch. Good stuff, and more amateur therapy all around. Then it was goodbyes/hugs/kisses, etc. and off to the airport with Kat. I got home and had planned to go straight to see the kids (and had discussed this with W). I called the house from the airport, but no answer. I called W's cell next, and left a vm when there was no answer. W called back a little later and said they were just getting out of the pool at MIL's house. I told her I wanted to see the kids, and we agree to talk a little later about what their plans were. About an hour later, after no call from W and after I had gone home (to parents'), unpacked, and purchased six new comedy CDs for my PMA (started with Richard Pryor ), I called W again. I got her vm. Little frustrating. I called again 45 minutes later, as it was getting close to the kids' bedtime and I hadn't seen them since I left for work Friday morning. This time W answers, and she hadn't gotten the last vm. W says they are still at MIL's, they have had dinner and I can come over if I want, but D4 is asleep. I am bummed out, but say I am on my way to see S7 at least.

When I arrive S7 lets in and a I get his usual big hug and kiss for me. As we head back into the room I see W (and I think give her a little, half hug - yeah, gotta cut back on that), and also greet MIL with a hug. S7 is tired from a busy day (probably the pool mainly), and he is also hypnotized by cartoons. D4 is out in a big chair, but I kiss on her and love on her for a bit. I visited a little with W - it was casual and friendly. No details were sought or offered on the weekend. MIL offered me some of the dinner, but I declined.

As W is packing up things to go home (she is still in our house with the kids), she asks me to go upstairs with S7 to get some of his toys. While up there, I glance in W's room. She has done a major cleaning out of it. I knew this, but it caught me by surprise. It was so empty and sad/depressing. I noticed she took down some old pictures of us (and a lot not of us, BTW), and that bummed me out. Made me feel like she was moving on. I also noticed that she had a new bedspread. That combined with her telling me when she came out that she was going to repaint it and hang some pictures made me feel like she is planning on being separated for a while. I think she was excited about the room, but she could sense my negative reaction and I think this bummed her out. She and MIL also told me that she is next tackling the game room, and then her two brothers' rooms. Truthfully, these rooms needed a major cleaning and overhaul as they haven't been updated in almost 20 years. Still, it got me down a little and it showed, so I didn't handle it as well as I would have liked ("as if" that is).

I carried D4 out to W's car. As we loaded the kids up, W was in the driver's seat and we said a quick goodbye. As I walked in front of her car, she waved a little goodbye and smiled. Then on the other side I opened the back door to give a hug and kiss to S7, and W said goodbye yet again. As they pulled away, I went inside to use the bathroom at MIL's. Afterwards, I walked out to my car and MIL was outside taking out her trashcan. We visited for a little. She asked how I was and I told her ok, but getting tired of this. I probably talked too much (told her again there was no progress and I couldn't figure out why W wouldn't work on things). MIL wants us to get back desperately, but she doesn't talk to W and won't tell her anything that she thinks will hurt our chances. She did offer that Saturday W went to a recruiting event with her Firm and then for some shopping. (Guess I fretted for no reason.) She also said she knows nothing, that she and W don't talk, that the previous weekend W was in a bad way when she had to get out of town, but that now W was better. MIL also said she was just trying to give W time and space and not pressure her.

Monday, August 13th

I called W this morning at work because I felt bad about my reaction to her cleaned out room at MIL's house. I could tell she was upset by my reaction and I knew she was excited about the spring cleaning. W answered with a very upbeat and cheery "Hey!" I said "Hey! How are you doing?" She said "Fine. How are you?" I responded, "I'm great. Listen, I just wanted to call because I was sorry about my reaction to seeing your room yesterday." She chuckled and said "Yeah, I know." I said that I thought it had caught me by surprise because it looked so different, and that it was kind of sad because the walls were bare and needed to be repainted and stuff. I also said I could tell she was bothered by my reaction or that it had hurt her feelings, and I felt bad about that. She was warm and said she appreciated me calling, and admitted that it had bothered her. The phone exchange went well, was very friendly and we joked about it (with both of us chuckling/laughing). I told her that I thought she had done a good job and that yes the room needed to be cleaned out (it was mainly high school and some college stuff for crying out loud). I think I made her feel good and, but for the topic, I would have said it was a great call, and the tone was one of the best we have had recently.

I called the kids that night about 6 pm, before W would arrive home. I talked briefly to D4, which went fine but was short and quick. Then I talked to S7, and a little into the convo he asks why I am not coming home tonight. (Normally it is my night, but W and I traded two nights because I take the kids out of town this weekend through Wed. and it cuts into W's week in the house). S7 says: "Why did y'all have to make this decision." Not following him, I ask what he is asking me. He repeats it, and eventually explains that he is talking about the S ("the decision for one week in and one week out") and he wants to know when it is going to end. We discuss it a bit and he is getting emotional. He tells me to shut up at one point and is crying pretty hard. We try to talk a little more and I ask him if he wants to come over. He says yes, right away. Once he gives the phone back to nanny, I ask her if he is crying. She says yes and I ask if she heard the conversation, and she says yes. The nanny also explains that the kids are very tired tonight, but she says she has noticed that the S is having an effect on S7 especially. She says he is angry, short-tempered and acting out. I tell her I would like to discuss it further, and that I am going to call W to see if it is ok to come over, but I also ask nanny to share this with W.

I call back to the house around 7 pm because I haven't heard from W and got no response to the vm I left on her cell while she was driving home. W answers, and is pleasant. She says S7 fine now, and that she quizzed him and he said he was just having a moment, and blamed it on D4. W said she was having some difficulty with him this weekend, but that she felt he was just being a normal 7-year old, and noted that he is not as bad as his cousin. I said that was not the relevant test; we were supposed to watch for change in him. I feel like she is in denial about the damage done to our kids (which makes perfect sense since I am sure she feels guilty about putting them through this S. I did say that I hadn't really seen any noticeable difference in S7, but W's observations and nanny's observations suggested we might ought to follow-up with the CP as we had planned to do a month ago. She didn't disagree. W ended by saying that I didn't have to come home cause she knew I was busy with work. I said I still wanted to cause I hadn't seen D4 the night before (she had gone to bed early), and I had told S7 I would be there. W said that was fine.

Once I get home I go upstairs. Kids are in the bathtubs. I visit with D4 for a bit. Goes well. Then I head in to see S7. He seems happy and calm. I kneel down by him and ask how he is doing. He says fine, but then the emotions start to flow. Lots of anger, tears, etc. Lots of stuff said over about 45 minutes. I cannot remember it all, but here are some highlights. He said: Get away from me. I hate you. You are poo poo. He closed his ears and wouldn't listen. He didn't want me to touch him or be near him, and he pushed me away. It was pretty rough. He was yelling at me (W too, really, but I was there trying to comfort him, and trying to deal with it while W handled D4, so I took the brunt of his anger). S7 said he just wants normal parents, two parents, who live together. He slammed his doors, and kicked me out of his room. He said no more hugs and kisses until we get back together. He said he hates me/us, and we're not his parents, and he wants knew parents for Christmas/Hanukah. He at one point said he wasn't going to Disney if we couldn't all go. And he begged us to work it out. When I explained that we were trying to figure things out, to figure out what was best, he said this is not best for him or D4. Ok, it was awful. At one point, W's response to this was to try to distract him, and divert his mind from it. But these emotions are in him and he needs to get it out. The CP said he has to feel safe talking about it. My parents and our nanny have noticed that he seems more angry, short-tempered, and that he loses his cool more quickly and more extremely. As I said, I think W is denying some of the effects/damage. At first, W resisted having S7 and D4 talk to the CP. In part, W is afraid the CP will create an issue where one doesn't exist. I am trying to tread lightly around W, but I cannot put my head in the sand when it comes to the kids. Whether it pisses her off or bothers her, I still have to do what is right for them. It breaks my heart.

Tuesday, August 14th

I thought I had an IC session this morning. It's Thursday. I called W about how S7 was doing this morning. She said fine. We discussed last night a bit, and how the kids are doing, and seeing the CP. It went ok, but was a bit tense. She was defensive. I think W is in some denial about the damage S does on the kids. On the other hand, maybe I am too eager to find damage. I am very sensitive to it, that is for sure. We agreed I would call Cp and see what she recommends, and what her schedule is. As I noted above, it was a stressful call for me in a way because (1) I think W is in denial on this like lots of other stuff and (2) I have to balance my DB "do no harm" approach (which I am considering right now) which means treading lightly around W, against looking out for my kids' interests first and foremost at the risk of pissing W off.

I called CP and we set an appointment for Friday morning for me (and W if she wants) to meet CP to fill her in and then S7 to see CP in the afternoon. I also said I would send CP my journaling on the kids. I called W, and told her the plan. Since we also have a JC session that morning, she will not go to see CP. She trusts me to handle it. I resent this a little (I wish she would make time for both), but it is fine. She offered to skip JC, but I said that's ok. I hate to miss more of those JC sessions than we have to. We also discussed the tenseness this morning, and I had tried to validate her fears, etc., and she reciprocated a little. I'd say we cleared what little tension was in the air.

Mid-afternoon W called to ask if I was going to a big client dinner. The third friend (of hers and OM's who is now in-house at one of my Firm's clients) had sent her an email asking. W didn't even know of the dinner. I said I wasn't sure, that I might be too busy, so she sent an email back to third friend saying that.

W called again as she and the kids were going to dinner. I can't remember why, but it was something non-important. I asked if I could join them for a quick bite and she said sure (very positively). The dinner was fine. I started a slightly new approach (intended to plant a seed that I might be "moving on") tonight. It felt good to me. And W seemed to notice something was different, but probably isn't sure what it is. My guess is she thinks I may be mad, or angry, or upset in some way, but she isn't sure because I was perfectly friendly. She was pretty friendly too BTW. Basically, I paid little attention to her, but lots to the kids, the TVs in the restaurant, and the other patrons/wait staff (including some cute chickadees). I think she noticed something was different and was curious what it was. Can't say it will be positive or negative, but if I keep it up I will monitor results.

Many vent/thinking out loud coming: I'm not sure I care how she reacts. Part of me is frustrated with what she is doing in prolonging this S without any indication of what she is thinking or how long this will last or whether she might ever consider working on our M. (She hasn't since Jan. 22nd!) Although I know I made mistakes (and she did too), at least I've acknowledged my mistakes and apologized and I have addressed them and I am still making changes. She, on the other hand, is doing nothing. Unless and until she wakes up and decides she isn't ready to just throw this M/R away, and harm our kids in the process, I kind of feel like I have to be done working on saving my M because she isn't and I am tired of taking it/enabling it. Otherwise, I make it so comfortable and pleasant it could last for years. And if she doesn't wake up, part of me says it's her loss (and my kids, sadly). We'll see. Still considering.

[Not Much Left]

Hey Nomo
I would like to talk if you can, if not, email but it is down till am I think.
I am around tomorrow though meeeting w/ Barbara at around 3

[ItsKat]

Hey, Nomo. Thanks for sharing.

Sorry about the rough time S7 is having. I don't think you are being too sensitive about it, though. When he was lashing out at you, he was specifically mentioning issues having to do w/ the S. That is not something to ignore. I am glad you are talking to the CP and getting him in there too. It is good that you are putting the kids first.

I can understand your frustration with your S as a whole and how you are wondering how long you are going to put up w/ it. I am sure that you will ultimately make the right decision for you. I keep reading the title of your thread and it says, "Patience, Patience, Patience."