Plank/WAW, thread 2

[Heimlich]

Arg, talk about cheeseless tunnels. So my W wanted to go over the mediation papers prior to our meeting Thursday. I said fine. State again we're making a big mistake, quitting too soon. I then asked her it'd be easier if I knew why you weren't willing to work on it -- went over the pushing sex, I feel like we've grown apart, and you didn't take any initiative around the house. Oh, she also said I could make her feel small (which I knew, but never intended). All partly or mostly true. Of course, I didn't take initiative because everytime I did, if I didn't do it the way she wanted it done or slightly impefectly, a world of sh@t would rain down on my head. For example, wanted to wash clothes, oh 6 or 7 years ago now. Accidentally shrank one of her shirts. She went ballistic. Rather than walking me through her laundry, which I was willing to do, she decided that I was an idiot unable to operate the proper machinary. Made me feel 2 inches tall. She's done that on other things as well. I told her this tonight, and she agreed, I hurt you too. Plus, she was good at it.

I see all of our problems as communication issues and she sees that we have deeply rooted differences.

She said she just doesn't like me, which, I guess I just have to believe is true, but she is a damn fine actress about it because she fooled the hell out of me. I am still convinced that if we were to be honest with each other about our needs and work on meeting them for the other, we could have a great marraige. She's not interested. She's confusing my actions over the years with who I am/want to be. They're intertwined, but she refuses to see changes. She mentioned that I've been nicer to the girls. She said it just makes her cringe because it's like I'm faking it. I said, so trying to be less angry with the girls is faking? (I had been a littel too hard on them for a while) She said it just seemed so false.

Well, she is convinced at this point that she is done and that this relationship is over. I'm considering taking off my ring because I'm starting to feel like a fool for wearing it.

I don't want it to be, but after asking her again if she would reconsider and attempt to focus on our R, there's nothing I can do but keep becoming a better person day by day.

I keep gently tapping on the door with actions and, as tonight -- some gentle words, but she ain't opening.

Toward the end of our conversation, I asked her to do herself a favor. Really think about what you want in a relationship, you can't tell me know and I don't think you really know. As someone I care about, I'd hate to see you having this conversaton with someone else 15 years from now. I'd rather we work things through today.

Sorry, this rambled a bit. Hurting a good bit. I'll probably in an apartment by the end of Sept. "Sooner rather than later were her words."

Not giving up all hope, but it's no longer worth talking to her about anything other than logistics. I'm moving on. The door is going to be open for a while, don't know how long. It really is time to start living my life for me.

BD