Trudging up hill

[ediemarie]

I haven't posted for a few days...not a whole lot has changed.

H and I have been spending time together and my anger is subsiding. I still get extremely annoyed from time to time and need to take a break. I usually go for a walk or read some threads. While H has apologized for his A, and tells me it is over (and he has told me via email, a hand written letter and verbally) he has not quit his job yet. That is such a sticking point with me. I really feel that he has to do that. He sees OW all day, every day during the school year and that is not acceptable. Additionally, I made the call to Retrouvaille, but he also has to call and he hasn't done so yet. The phone number is hanging on the fridge and he hasn't made the call. I refuse to remind him. All this to say that while he is speaking the language of reconciliation, his actions are not following.

I haven't done anything to GAL and I feel guilty. I feel like I should be doing more than I am. There are classes that I want to take at a community college that I need to sign up for, I must begin working towards my masters degree and need to apply for those classes, I have lessons to plan before the school year begins and I've done none of it. I sit around all day and do nothing. I'm boring. I'm dull and I'm starting to annoy myself. Luckily I have to attend a week of meetings next week at school, that should help a little to motivate me to some sort of action. So I guess I'm not that far off from my H's behavior...while I speak the language of DBing, my actions are not proving that I am a DBer...

On the bright side, I did some work that my IC wanted me to do, so I need to make another appointment to go and see her. I'm hoping that will provide me with more motivation and insight. Although I don't know what sort of insight she can offer - she can't make my H quit his job or call about Retrouvaille. And I already know that those 2 things are deal breakers for me, and if he does not accomplish them, then further action (such as me moving out) is in order. But then again, I'm not seeing her for those reasons. There are things that I need to work on outside of M and true DBers focus on that stuff, right???

As with all things lately, only time will tell.

Thanks for listening!!