Another point to be made is that there is a difference between needing/wanting sexual validation and just liking a "sweet talker." I've always been a sucker for a sweet-talker (how I ended up with 2bx-big mystery) and it doesn't have anything to do with validation needs. It's just a turn-on to hear those words coming at you. Who cares if it's blarney? It's just a form of foreplay that lends arousal through the auditory part of your brain.
Speaking of 2bx, what about the reverse sich? If I was walking around feeling pretty cute in my new pink t-shirt and with no provocation he said "Pink is not your color." how should I have reacted if differentiated? My current take on the matter would be that I should have calmly said "You know, I think it would really be my preference not to live with someone as rude as you."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Speaking of 2bx, what about the reverse sich? If I was walking around feeling pretty cute in my new pink t-shirt and with no provocation he said "Pink is not your color."
how should I have reacted if differentiated?
Okay this is NOT the same but it's the closest I have to what you asked. My grandfather always hated long hair on women. I have long hair. A few years ago he said to me "you look beautiful. You'd look better with your hair cut." I just laughed and said "Oh Grandfather you just don't like long hair" It just honestly had no effect on me because I knew he likes short hair. It's not personal about me and I knew he loved me so who cares? In some ways I think he was a big part in helping me be well differentiated. he and I would argue and disagree about many things but he still loved me and I still loved him. Actually my mom and I had a similar relationship.
The difference with your example is that your 2bx phrased it so negatively and phrased more as a fact rather than his opinion. AND you didn't have the confidence that he really loved you and cared about you despite the fact that he did not like pink on you.
I'm trying to imagine if Raven would say something similar. "Well I guess you don't know anything because I think I look pretty darn cute in this t-shirt."
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
The difference with your example is that your 2bx phrased it so negatively and phrased more as a fact rather than his opinion.
That's what I meant. It was the "rudeness" that I didn't like and much prefer not to live with. It's like if you make a batch of walnut cookies and give one to someone who doesn't like walnuts and they say "These cookies suck." vs. saying "Thank you for offering me a cookie, they seem otherwise delicious but I really don't like walnuts." Which person would you prefer to bake cookies for in the future?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
A truly differentiated person is immune to both compliments and put-downs.
But the original point was when we seek validation, either by fishing for a compliment, or fishing for sex, to the other person, we come off as needy, which is an unattractive behavior.
Lil sees nothing wrong with being direct, and asking for what you want. By and large I agree with this, if done in small measure.
But typically, when fishing for either a compliment or sex, one is not usually being direct, one is usually being covert, because one is NOT feeling self-confident.
Mo:
Quote:
Speaking of 2bx, what about the reverse sich? If I was walking around feeling pretty cute in my new pink t-shirt and with no provocation he said "Pink is not your color."
A truly differentiated person is immune to both compliments and put-downs.
That sounds a bit more like being disassociated than differentiated. There is a difference and I think that it's subtle but important to have a feeling of what that difference is.
Corri wrote: A truly differentiated person is immune to both compliments and put-downs. Martelo responded: That sounds a bit more like being disassociated than differentiated. There is a difference and I think that it's subtle but important to have a feeling of what that difference is.
I think being immune to compliments/put-downs is going a bit too far. We just don't need to let put-downs ruin our self-image or depend on compliments to have a good day. I think it is natural to feel worse after a put-down, or feel better about a compliment, especially if it comes from someone we respect or is important to us emotionally. We just need to have enough self-confidence that neither one affects us too much.
I remember awhile back we compared it to cycles of numbers. Let's say a compliment adds 10 emotional points (EP) and a put-down subtracts 10 EP. If our average EP level is 5 then a put-down makes you feel overall bad about yourself, and a compliment triples your sense of well-being, both of which can be unhealthy. However, if you raise your average EP level to 50, then neither creates a serious affect on you. On the other hand you could decrease the effect of compliments and put-downs to say 1 EP, but I don't think that is as beneficial to you, because you are still at only 5 EP average, and doing so can (as Martelo puts it) put you in a disassociated state from your friends and family. You are still vulnerable to some other bad event throwing you into the pit.
I think allowing people to have an effect on you can cause problems, but it can also draw you closer to that person when the effect is positive. You just have to have enough self-confidence to weather the negative part of the cycle.
JMHO of course Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Well, first I should correct my statement by saying that one should never "react" but rather choose to "respond". Then my answer would be that he stated his opinion/preference in a manner in which he did not make himself vulnerable and therefore he chose to make himself offensive and disrespectful and I should have "responded" in a manner appropriate. I believe in "brutal honesty' but I think the one you should be brutal with is yourself. Expose your own wants and preferences and vulnerabilities. Don't attack the other person's in an effort to bolster your own. If I had to do it all over again, I never would have stated my opinion that my 2bx had a low sex drive, instead I would have said "I am a greedy, horny girl who wants lots and lots of sex." and let him sort out his own preferences on the matter.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
What I'm trying to say is that if you tell the truth about yourself, if you reveal your preferences and your faults, people might not always like you but they will always respect you. If you just go around stating your opinion as though it is fact then that is as an offensive move and it is only natural for others to respond defensively. When Fearless responded to her Grandfather by saying "Oh, Grandpa, you just like short hair." she was doing for him the job he should have done himself. She was exposing his vulnerability by stating that she understood that his statement was just his preference which is certainly an acceptable interaction between a Granddaughter and a curmudgeonly yet lovable Grandpa. If I had responded to my 2bx's statement by saying "Oh, you just don't like the color pink." he would not have allowed me to expose that vulnerability, he would have become more offensive and said something like "You have no idea what looks good on you." So, really, he was trying to offensively exhibit some sort of control or gain power by making such statements to me. He wasn't making himself vulnerable by stating his preferences in an effort to strengthen connection.
I will go so far as to say that searching your soul for your true preferences and revealing them is the path to differentiation. It's the opposite of being needy or manipulative because you are stating your wants in a straight-forward manner and leaving yourself absolutely vulnerable to not having them met. You just have to be brave enough to hear "yuck" or "no." Allowing somebody to KNOW you is the opposite of trying to get somebody to LIKE or LOVE or DESIRE you. The hardest part, of course, is KNOWING yourself.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Nothing anyone says or does is because of YOU. What they are saying (or doing) is a projection of themselves and how THEY are feeling.
Don't be a victim, their comments and/or opinions are not a validation of you, YOUR opinions of you are what matter most
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
