Changing mountains into speed bumps!!!

[Nugget]

I found a really interesting article on forgiveness. I was thinking about emailing it to my W with the following message "I am not trying to push anything onto you. I am not trying to to make you feel bad or trying to convince you of anything. I am just trying to be helpful in my own stupid way, so bare with me LOL

Please print out and read the attached PDF file when you feel like it. Please just read it for me when you get sometime." . Any thoughts.

Here is the article:

Why is forgiveness so important for our own wellbeing?
Submitted by Diana Robinson, Ph.D.

For many people forgiveness is one of the hardest steps of all in our progress toward freedom of our spirit. Yet it is essential. As long as we are unable to forgive, we keep ourselves chained to those we leave unforgiven. We give them rent-free space in our minds, emotional shackles on our hearts, and the right to torment us in the small hours of the night. Their action will continue to have power over us until we set ourselves free through the power of forgiveness.

Forgiveness.... is a way of releasing ourselves from the pain we have experienced at the hands of others...
What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a way of releasing ourselves from the pain we have experienced at the hands of others. It is a release from judgment, including our judgment of ourselves.
Forgiveness is not Condemnation.

Forgiveness does not mean you agree with what the other person did to you. It does not mean you can change what happened or erase what they did. What’s done is done. All you can do is release yourself.

Forgiveness is Not for Them, It’s for You. Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, but to free YOURSELF from the continuation of pain and anger. It is a gift to your peace of mind, your self esteem, your relationships with others, your future.

Forgiveness is the act of releasing yourself from the consequences of your own false expectations....
Forgiveness is Freeing.

Forgiveness is the act of releasing yourself from the consequences of your own false expectations. The purpose of Forgiveness is to free yourself from the entanglements of the past, to reestablish control over your life by letting go of unpleasant events and people and reconnect with a healthy, positive direction. Holding on to anger and shame is unhealthy. Releasing it is freeing.

Forgiveness is in Our Control. Forgiveness cannot be forced or coerced; it can only be given freely. It is a power each of us has independently of others. It is a choice.

Forgiveness Releases US from Self Destruction. Anger hurts not only those it is directly at, but those who wield it as well. By not forgiving the person who wronged us, we continue to inflict on ourselves the pain they created.

Forgiveness Requires US to Give Up Suffering. Oscar Wilde said that suffering is a gift. It is also a need.

Forgiveness requires that we let go of our need to be pitied, our need to be right, and out need to feel an intense connection with our tormentor through anger.

Forgiveness Means Taking Responsibility for Choices.

Forgiveness is a choice that requires us to take responsibility for our actions and feelings. It requires us to be responsible to and for ourselves, even for our pain and humiliation. It means being responsible for the choices we make, including the choice of anger and the choice of Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is Powerful. Anger appears powerful, but leaves us feeling frustrated and powerless. Forgiveness, which appears weak, leaves us feeling stronger and less vulnerable to others.

Forgiveness is Easy. Most of us have not learned techniques to reach Forgiveness, but we know it begins with in the heart. All one needs to begin is to WANT to be released from the past. The other person need not be present, though it is better if they are. Forgiveness is seeing the other person and ourselves without judgment.

1. Understand that forgiving does not mean that you are agreeing that what was done was acceptable. It does not mean that you are giving permission for the behavior to be repeated.

2. Recognize who is being hurt by your non-forgiveness. Does the other person burn with your anger, do they feel the knot in your stomach, do they experience the cycling and recycling of your thoughts as you re-experience the events in your mind? Do they stay awake as you rehearse in your mind what you would like to say or do to 'punish' them? No, the pain is all yours. In fact they most likely do not even understand the severity that their actions may have had on you.

3. Do not require to know 'why' as a prerequisite to forgiveness. Knowing why the behavior happened is unlikely to lessen the pain, because the pain came at a time when you did not know why. Occasionally there are times when knowing why makes forgiveness unnecessary, but they are rare. Don't count on it and don't count on even the perpetrator who hurt you to know why.

4. Make a list of what you need to forgive. What was actually done that caused your pain? Not what you felt, but what was done.

5. Acknowledge your part in the event/s. Were you honest about your hurt or did you hide the fact that their behavior hurt you? Did you seek peace by reassuring the perpetrator that it was all right? Or did you push it deep down inside of yourself? Did you stay when you could or should have left? If so, then you, too, have part of the responsibility. Here is where you start to move away from being a victim.

6. Make a list of what you gained from the relationship, whatever form of relationship it was. Looking back you may be focusing on the negatives, the hurts. Yet if they were repeated, you must have stayed to allow the repetition. You did not remove yourself. Why? There must have been some positives if you chose to stay around. What were they?

7. Write a letter to the person (no need to mail it). Acknowledge what you gained from the relationship, and express forgiveness for the hurts. Allow yourself to express all your feelings fully. Do not focus only on the hurts.

8. Create a ceremony in which you get rid of your lists and the letter, so symbolizing the ending of the link between you. You may prefer to burn them and scatter the ashes. You may invent some other form of ritualized separation.

9. Visualize the person you are forgiving being set free by your forgiveness and, as a result, they are being freed from continuing the behavior that hurt you.

10. Now that you have freed yourself from the painful links and released the pain, feel yourself growing lighter and more joyous. Now you are free to move on with your life without that burden of bitterness. Do not look back in anger or resentment. Focus on the present and the future and leave the past where is belongs, behind you.

After Forgiveness comes reconciliation, the ability to be in the presence of the other person without feeling angry or vulnerable. It is the highest point of healing. Reconciliation may or may not take place following forgiveness, since it requires direct contact with the other person to eliminate old patterns and create a basis for healthy emotional interaction.