Thinking of you, Penny! Does it help you to know you are not alone? I do ok when I am talking to others about H, but I can't be around him yet without being sad. We still need more time to grieve! Matilda
It is really hard. I was at a function last night to watch my Oldest son compete. We were in the beer garden. My H had called and ask if I was going to go. I think he needed to know whether she could show up or not. I was kinda vague and then I told him I was riding down with his brother and my sil. It ended up I went with SIl and her kids and one of her friends who knows the OW well and doesn't like her at all. So I was in good company. He was distant but friendly. Had to introduce me as his wife twice. I thought that was funny. Had a good time but it is so hard and everyone that knows comes up and tells me to get rid of him that I will be way better off. Sometimes I know maybe that will be the case because maybe then there would be no roller coaster ride. If he stays with her he deserves the real her when it comes out and everyone that knows her says it will come out. I keep reading the detaching posts and I printed them out and it is helping to harden my self up and look more at my self. Listening to those CD's have helped and being able to post with you guys keep me moving a head. Not that I don't fall back.
I'm just venting I guess. I am trying so hard to detach. as I told Cali my sil saw him and ow in the stands Saturday night. then he was with her all day Sunday. He went over to oldest s last night for a visit for a while and then this morning shows up at the house while I'm at work to spend the day with Youngest S on his day off since he is going back to college on Sunday. He called to see if he could start the sprinklers for me but I have a guy working on the barn so I can store some stuff out of the storage units in there. He acts so concerned but so distant like I don't want you but what can I do for you and then he wants me to do things for him. I feel I should just tell him to take what clothes he has left and leave. But I have to have the contact over all this business stuff til it is settled. He was saying yesterday we can might have this chance at this business deal. My Mil told me we were going to get their place to run which is nice but since he is seeing the OW he won't get anything if he leaves me. It was his dream once to have the place. He really thinks in this midlife crisis that I think is going on he needs a new life. But in the back of his mind he still wants us as it was. That he provided a good living for me what more do I want. Why am I so weak when it comes to detaching. You see and hear people walk a way all the time how do they get the mind set to do it. Is it that I was raised to care about someone else's feelings and the bad thing I raised my boys that way. Sometimes after I have gone thru this I wonder if that was a good idea to not had them be a little selfish. I think I always read into his actions a little hope when there was none. He doesn't want to try. In his mind he tried but it wasn't the right way he tried to control how we did things so we did it the way he wanted. He said who knows maybe in the future he will get back together again. It might be a cold day in hell before that will happen. I don't think he will ever realize how bad he has hurt me. And by dragging this on for the last 5 years making me think there was hope instead of divorcing me but wanting me to divorce him so he wouldn't look bad. I am just having a tough time today. One thing that has really helped is Cali posting on detaching. I keep going back to that.
ah penny. you just really need to do whatever you can to try not to think of him.
something i have been doing the last couple days, is when I start hurting and going over all the things, etc and/or start missing him and thinking about the man I married, and not the man he has become, is this. I start to think of all the things I no longer have to deal with because he is not here. All the things that used to drive me crazy about him, because I know for a fact he was not perfect and I need to do that to bust that crazy idea I get that he was. I start thinking positive things about myself and why I deserve someone who can live up to my standards and expectations. How I need someone with morals and someone who will not just run away from their problems. I try to step outside myself and look at the situation like an outsider and look at myself and him, and try to think what others would tell me to do.
I know your H is still there, but you can still do this, take care of yourself, focus on yourself and just let him deal with his own self. Let him learn from natural consequences. It is no different when we have to let our kids learn the hard way, that is what you need to do. Yes, he may never figure it out, and yes you may never get your marriage back, but it will give you the strength to know that you tried, you bettered yourself and that you deserve better, and things happen for a reason.
I hope this helps. It pains me to read of you and Yoyo's and everyone else's pain. You are good people. You deserve more and better. And most important of all, IMHO, is that you've earned a better life. You've been strong, honorable, forgiving, and have looked at yourselves and have owned your part in this. You are being and growing into wonderful people. I truly wish you the best. And I am here if I can be of any help as you all have helped me. Thanks. BoB.
Bob, I haven't a chance to look at the threads. BUt get this at lunch I get a call and its H and wants to know if I would like to go to lunch with him and S. They had driven 20 miles to go to lunch with me as they were passing thru to go to BIL. He was very pleasant but my son is also fun and is going away to college Sunday. He kept the conversation light. I think H even enjoyed it and didn't look bummed. I just wonder if he sees what he is trying to throw away. I still thinks he still wants me and her too. I am just making my self a little more distant and not quite so handy.
Penny, I agree he wants OW and you. I know you feel like you have no choice but to tolerate it. You have a choice and when you are ready you will make it, but for now, I agree you need to become distant and mysterious. I know it's hard. I've had to do it myself, but no matter how much you want your marriage to work, it can't when he is with OW. OW has nothing to lose and you have everything, so it's time to try something different. I think that he needs to think that the great Penny is moving on with her life without him.
In one of your posts, you mentioned having horses. I do too. Actually, it was always H's thing and now I sit at this great horse farm that we built by myself. Our barns match his toy farm set from when he was 10...Talk about throwing away your life and dreams. It seems like a couple of us LBW's on here have horses (you, me, Saffie, ponygirl). Maybe we went wrong when we married cowboys (at least hobby cowboys). As the Waylon Jennings song says... "Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. ‘Cos they’ll never stay home and they’re always alone. Even with someone they love."
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Thinking of you, Penny. Detaching is SO hard, but it sounds like you are on your way to mastering it. Wish I could say the same! (My thread locked, but waiting for a better frame of mind before I start a new one!).
