Trying to set those goals!

[Dom R]

On Volunteering:
I dont think it's a coincidence he brought it up in the first place. whether he intended to invite you or not, i think he intended to bring it up to show you he's doing something positive, that he belived you would approve of.

On other stuff:

Since he is making an effort to feel totally separated so that he can date/have sex with someone else, what am I supposed to do with that? I am certainly not going to ask him out on a date; Oh, and I think he said that he wasn't sure that he and I should be going out on dates because he wanted to feel like we were completely split up. Seems like he has already figured out how to accomplish his goal and recognizes that being in contact with me will hamper that.

I think the best thing you can do, is stop expecting consistent behaviour out of him.

I'd say, he is of highly oscilating mind on this. Sometimes, he wants to go off and screw some bimbo. Sometimes, he wants to be with you. Ignore him/go do something else, when he's in "go off and forage" mode. Encourage him, when he acts positively towards you.

People misuse the "act as if" phrase from michelle's books. but i think you have a potential proper use of it.
"Act as if" him dating you (exclusively) is a positive thing, and can happen. Then, it might. But it WONT, if you don't think it can.
Dont do this blindly, though. Stop acting this way, if he actually starts dating someone else.
Not "looks like", not "talks about a lot", but actually DOES it.

he had said that "maybe there is someone better out there." He clarified that he didnt mean better *than* me, just better *for* him.

This is a cop-out. If this ever comes up again, you might remind him what marriage is all about. Marriage is NOT, "I will stay with you until someone better comes along". Marriage is both a commitment, and an acknowlegement, that NO-ONE is perfect.. both of you have flaws... but that you commit to staying together and making the very best relationship you can, with the two of you together. Even if someone [who LOOKS] better, comes along later.


Oh, and on the whole "the secret" crap... point out that what "the universe brings to him", may be "his wife", so if he is TRUELY using it, he shouldnt close himself off to that

I don't see how I can possibly stop this train; he wants to feel like we're totally broken up - how in the world can *I* put the brakes on that?

YOU can't. You cant stop it. you cant control him.
In the end, it is still his decision to make. And he is quite capable, and able, of making either a good, or a bad, one. It is his choice.

What you can do, at least until he makes a bad decision, is remain "available"(within boundaries) to him, and attractive to him.

That gives him the opportunity to reevaluate you.
That's also why 180s are really good... Doing stuff 180degrees different from what you would normally do [yet still in a positive, interesting way], sometimes nudges spouses to open their eyes and really LOOK at you, instead of just having a glazed "oh yeah that's my spouse he/she's always like ...., I know all about them and I dont want that" attitude.

Most of the time, seems like the departing spouse has a fascade layer over their spouse, that isnt neccessarily a true representation of them, but justifies them leaving.

Doing things clearly contradictory to their image of you, makes cracks in it.

From what I read, it takes time, and consistency, to actually make the cracks happen, though.

"Jane is a dull girl, she never does anything", can be dispelled by Jane doing Skydiving/Karate/mechnical bull riding... but only after showing that is what Jane is really like, by Jane doing it consistantly, and continually Otherwise, it's just a trick, and the hostile spouse is expecting a trick.
I would think it would take at least a month or two, and continuing to do it, before a spouse would believe it is really what Jane is like, rather than a trick. Now is not the time for tricks. Now is the time to bring out the best parts of you, that may have been buried for a few years.