My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Steel_Box]

Journaling, venting, sitrep

Alright, I have been slipping. I guess that to have realized this, is a good thing, but I have to fix it.

W returned from work trip late wednesday night. I had dropped her off at the airport on Sunday so I picked her up. It was late 12am and I had been up since 5am so I was tired. She wasn't the same as when she left. She wasn't really smiling and she didn't give me a hug when she got to the vehicle. Instead she handed me her backpack and said she had to go back in because the luggage was delayed, turned around and walked off. I attributed it to her being tired too. When she got back she said hi and started talking about work.(wheee) Any way, after a few minutes she reached over and held my hand while she talked We go home and around 1:30am and I was exhausted and stll had to get back up for work at 5am again. So there wasn't alot of talk or convo. I went to bed, she snuggled with the kids for a while and then crawled in with me. It was awkward I couldn't relax and go back to sleep.
Went to work - uneventful other than fighting to not crash.

I left a little early and picked up some furniture that had come in for her. The store called me for some reason to try and set up a delivery. It was just an ottoman so I pick ed it up and delivered to her place for her. She wasn't there so, I figured I could just go in set it up and leave and then it would be a little something nice when she got home, without me there to expect anything from it.

She didn't go to her condo thursday again, she stayed and talked after helping put the kids to bed. One thing of note from the conversation was that she said that she purposely didn't hug or kiss me at the airport. She felt we were "getting to close", or "moving to fast" or something to that effect. I said that I had noticed but that it was ok that she was a little distant, I understood that she needed to move slowly. I have to admit that I wondered what brought on the change, especially since things were so good when she left and this is immediately after a trip out of town. OM? (this will be addressed further down) We watched part of a movie together but wound up not finishing it, and going to bed. She stayed over again and this time it wasn't awkward, actually it turned into sex. I was off of work on friday so I tried to get a few things done, changed my brakes and checked out a couple of things on the truck. Of course as we decide to all go get lunch, it dies and now needs a new battery. Turns out it died when she had it on her trip, and she forgot to tell me about it. We switch vehicles and go to eat. After, she and D6 decide to get their nails done,(more W than D) so S4 and I run back to house to try and jump start the truck.

Here is where the screwing up starts. I get back and find that W has left her purse and phone in my truck. I'm weak, I suck, I know better, and I've done so well since June - I looked. W is still in contact with OM, phone calls, texts, & now pic & video messages. So much for the whole it was a mistake and she doesn't want to see him anymore (per friend). I know it shouldn't change things but it does. I'm now in a pissy mood and have to go back and pick up W&D from nail place to go pick up school uniforms. I try to act as if nothing is wrong (not very convincingly). She asks what is the matter, why am I in a bad mood? I am able to explain it off as the dead truck and that I need to go to the gym. I've missed tha last 2 days and it's beginning to affect my mood. She seemed to buy it. A little later when everyone is getting ready to go to an event and meet with a bunch of our friends, I explained to her that I am going to bail and go to the gym first and will meet up with them after. She agreed that it was probably a good idea and tha she would see me later. She asked again if it was something she did. I lied/told the truth. I said that no it was something that I was dealing with, I got some things in my head that I needed to clear out and would be fine later. Strangely this turned into sex. I feel guilty though, it was almost a marking my territory type of thing. Not a building block by any means. It was good, bad, odd, completely confusing, and a little disconcerting.
I went to the gym and they went to meet up with the friends. I met with them later and everyone had a good time. W asked if I minded if she and the kids stayed at the house again. I said no I didn't mind, but later that night I was planning to split away to meet up with another buddy to have a beer and discuss our training schedule until the triathlon. That fits right in with the rest of my duality plagued life, discuss tri training over beer, right? I got home about 1am and W was at the house still awake watching a movie. I saw this as a good thing and it was. She wanted to stay up and see me.

Saturday was fairly uneventful between us.

Sunday I went canoeing with some friends and some of them got lost (don't ask) so I didn't get back in town until 10pm instead of about 6. W called to find out what was going on around 8, I explained, and asked if I could come by condo to see the kids when I got back.
She said sure and when I got there she lit into me with both barrels. She was mad at me for going canoeing, mad that I was getting back so late, and couldn't believe that I wasn't around considering D6 starts school Monday. She wanted to do something to make it special. I apologized that I was so late, but I did not have control over it. I rode with others and there was nothing I could do. I told her I understood that she was upset and that I was sorry she felt that way. (I said nothing about her missing birthdays, swim meets, school functions, family functions and more, because she was out of town for work, or OM, or both!) I explained that I had intended to be back much earlier and that she never told me anything about wanting to do something special, so how was I supposed to know. I also explained that I had planned to Monday morning off so that I could go with D for her first day back. She forgot that I had said that previously. I weathered the storm, and thought I handled it fairly well.

The next morning, I come over and help to get kids up and dressed and ready for school. While I am walking into W's bedroom gathering kids clothes, she is changing in the closet. She walked out half dressed and I commented on her looking good and made also about it apparently being cold. Ok I was joking, and it probably wasn't the best timing, but WOW, she lashed out about me always grabbing at her when she is trying to get ready, and how she doesn't have time for this right now, she is trying to get the kids to school. Keep in mind, I am on the other side of the room and the only way I would be able to grab on her at this moment is if I was Stretch Armstrong. I have gotten both kids dressed, I have them eating breakfast, I have filled out their paperwork, I have not gone to work so that I could come over and help. Other than pulling out 2 boxs of cereal all she has been doing is getting dressed and putting on makeup, but I am preventing her from getting ready. I should have tried to DB but didn't. I commented on her warped senses seeing as grabbing on her would typically require me being technically in the same damn room, and went back out to finish getting the kids dressed.
After they were all loaded up in her car - I went to work.

Last night I saw them at the gym, the kids had swim team practice. I went to the condo after to tell the kids good night. W wanted to talk but I wasn't in the mood. I did tell her that I had one thing I wanted to clear up. In the morning I had said that "I was aggravated by the fact that she had stayed at my house all week and I had changed my plans to fit around that, but then when I did go and do something for myself (canoe trip) this was what I got." I told her that I realized through the day that what I said came out saying something other that what I intended. I explained that first I was not aggravated that she stayed at the house, I was glad that she had. Second, I had enjoyed the days with her, and that the plans that I had changed were not the issue. I had changed them myself and had wanted to do it. I had been hurt by her comment about me grabbing at her and preventing her from getting ready (I see this as her pulling out past grievances) when I was obviously not, and had bit back. I did understand that she had forewarned me that she was in a bad mood the night before and I hadn't realized that it had carried through to the next day. Knowing this I could see how I might have aggravated her.(but not to the level that she reacted) I apologized and dropped it.

She commented that she felt like the last couple of days we had gone backwards. I said that yes it did feel that way but that it was OK, it is not going to be a easy thing and occasionaly things like this were going to happen, its how we deal with them that matters.

This morning I went over again to bring S4 to his first day of school. Everything went well, they were dressed when I got there and biscuits were almost ready. We took some pictures and off we went. We brought him to school and he was the big boy and wanted to do it all by himself. On the way back her work schedule came up. I asked what her plan/schedule was looking like for a while so that I can try to see what I need to work around with my work. She got defensive and it almost turned into an argument. It seems like any time I ask something about work or question something she gets defensive and angry. As long as she is the one talking about her job and her schedule it's fine. Its just when I start asking questions that she gets hostile. I don't think that I am asking in a way that is accusatory, but maybe I am.

I think I am going to stay away from her the rest of the week.