My penance...

[prodigalwife]

I was the unfaithful wife, and you may all berate me as you wish. I do not deny my stupidity, but at least I recovered. Now I want to help someone else, anyone who wants my take on their situation. You may hate the OW/OM/WAW/WAH, but it can help a lot to know what's really going on with them. I've checked out a few threads, but please drop me a line if you'd like me to view yours.

My situation as it was:

Married H straight out of highschool, one son within first year. Lived as swingers for awhile, but H hated it and asked me to stop. I never did. In February of 2006 he was away for a month for training and I met the OM. For almost a year I played the games we all do in an affair, thought I was divorcing my husband to marry OM. I got pregnant with my second son in August of '06 and left my H. Hit rock bottom, did some emotional sobering up and finally saw the affair for the illusion it was. my amazing H and I are rebuilding and the OM has no further hold on me. When he calls I very nearly pity him for trying to lure me back...I don't burn myself twice.

[Ophelia]

I'm not about the berate you, prodigalwife, and I hope no one else does either. Frankly, seeing folks like you gives me new hope that my own sitch might actually work out one day.

I think most of us tend to obsess about what's going through the heads of our spouses and their A partners, so hearing it from the other side can make it a bit easier to understand what they're going through sometimes. Hopefully you'll be able to offer that insight to some of us and help us get through it!

[Ohio_Mark]

Thanks for the offer to help. Here is where I am:
Wife found her "dream man" 1 year ago. He lives about 300 miles away. From what I understand, he has made a token effort to find a job near where we live, but he enjoys what he does and where he lives now. He is not in a big hurry to move here, is what I am trying to say. His kids are grown and in the military. Wife will not move, our kids are in school. Also, snooping has revealed that wife is very "clingy" with him, and often comes across as insecure with his affection.

Wife considers me completely incapable of adequately communicating with her. She believes that I will never be able to satisfy her emotional needs. I have made numerous 180's and my GAL's have been noted by her, all to no avail - at least not in the near term. She said yesterday (after returning from meeting with OM): "I'm glad that you are out doing different things, finding out who you are, but it's time for me to move on." She wants me out of her life to assuage the guilt of adultery.

Wife and OM are colleagues. They meet at quarterly meetings and about two times a month they meet halfway for sex. They talk about 90 minutes/day on cell phone. Wife has professed her love for him for eternity. She has told him he is her soul mate, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

Questions:
What did it take to wake you up from the fantasy? Was it a single event, or did it occur gradually?

Did it ever occur to you how destructive and hurtful your behavior was? I have received token "I'm sorry"'s from my wife. But nothing heartfelt. She is really not sorry because (in her eyes) she has found her perfect dream man. So my question is, how likely is it that she will ever come to realize how darn hurtful she has been to me? It's just that she seems so cavalier about her behavior. Wife is the queen of justification: "It's OK because ...." So she believes that her behavior is justified to compensate for years of unhappiness. This is regardless of the emotional expense to me.

[Astimegoeson]

When he calls I very nearly pity him for trying to lure me back...I don't burn myself twice.

Have you asked him to leave you alone?

[Kevin Smith]

If this is too personal, just let me know and I'll understand.

I was just curious, you said you were in an affair, how long did it last? (Feb to Aug?) I asked my 'wife', if she feels that she's living in reality or that what she's doing is realistic. (The fact that she plans on taking a $500 trip once per month to see this guy, whether or not he pays for it) She said that she feels it's realistic, though not very cost efficient. She feels that she met him for a reason in this life, like he's really important.

Is that how you felt at that point? What made you realize what was going on? Was there anything that would have helped you see things more clearly while you were in the midst of it all? What would be the best way I could respond to all of this? Like, what would you have wanted/needed your husband to do?

Again, I apologize ahead of time for such personal/invasive questions. I just really respect you and your views since you've been there and probably have a much better understanding than I, of how she's feeling right now. And, just so you know, I really admire how you made the change, that was probably very hard for you as well.

But I'll quit jabbering on, thanks for your time. =)

[prodigalwife]

For Ohio_Mark

Honestly, the "wake up" came when I hit bottom, and not before. I was arrested on a totally unrelated incident and my OM was nowhere to be seen. He didn't call or ask about my son (which he'd always done before). But my H, who had every reason to walk away for good, was right there for me, going so far as to get on a bus and travel 2 days to visit me in jail (he's stationed in Louisiana, I was in nebraska).

Now, I doubt that her rock bottom will be jail, but there is that crucial moment when he will suddenly not be there, and she will begin to see the lie for what it is.

YES! I knew all along how much I was hurting the man who loves me. but we lie loudly to ourselves, saying the divorce would be for our spouse's good, that we just want to let them be happy with someone else too. Believe me, the remorse I feel now is with me every day, and I see my H as the amazing man he is. I took him for granted and nearly got what I deserved. But she knows, even if your W tries to deny it. The apologies tell me it's eating at her already. She's clinging to an image that is already losing its luster; don't give up now! the justification, the cavalier attitude, the effusive praise of your new life changes - it's a mask. Really, truly. Somewhere inside her is a voice already begging to come home. Maybe she's proud, definitely she doesn't want to let the fantasy die, but she is hurting.

[prodigalwife]

Astimegoeson:

Really, I haven't bothered to ask him to stop. He has to come to terms with the fact that it's over too. I won't help him, except to tell him every time he calls with my words and lack of involvement, that the dream is over. I tell my husband when he calls and I keep it brief, but cutting him off entirely would be counter-productive. Constant reality is better than memories with a rosy glow.

[prodigalwife]

Kevin:

My affair actually lasted physically from Feb 06 to Aug 06; emotionally I really wasn't done until March of this year.

I know she seems irrational to you, but it's all sane to her. When I was irrational, I could easily justify it all to myself, but it gets harder over time. It can be a costly lesson, but I'm pretty sure she'll get it.

"Destiny" was my favorite cop-out. I was "meant" to be with my OM, he was my "soulmate". It relieves her responsibility; it's all beyond her control. It's all part of the fantasy; no lie can last forever. But as long as it lasts, she'll cling to it with everything she has.

Honestly, my H couldn't have changed my mind with a two-by-four :). He was just there, always saying he didn't want a divorce, but firm that he didn't want anything to do with me until I came home and left OM for good. He (almost)always kept his cool, even when I was screaming at him, which frustrated and confused me but also set off some common sense saying I was acting childish. Try very hard not to use words that hurt...you'll regret them later, even if she deserves them or they are true. My husband, in one of the rare moments he fought back verbally, called me a slut - which was true, but it hurt very deeply and makes it harder for me to forgive myself. he feels very guilty about it and has told me over and over how sorry he is, but you can't unsay the things that hurt. Try to keep it in mind.

There is nothing you guys have to feel is too personal to ask - that's why I'm here. And yes, it was hard to walk away from a goodlooking man (he is, but so is my husband) and a fantasy life. It was hard to go back to my husband and ask his forgiveness, to admit I was wrong. I still hurt sometimes with the remorse; I cry, I tell my husband how lucky I am, I can't look myself in the eye when I pass a mirror. But healing is an ongoing process, and my husband is there every step of the way.

[Ohio_Mark]

Wow, prodigal, thank you for sharing with us such painful and intimate details of your life.

Regarding the quote below... ummm, are you really my wife in disguise??? This is exactly how she justifies her actions that she knows are injurious to her husband and kids:

"Destiny" was my favorite cop-out. I was "meant" to be with my OM, he was my "soulmate". It relieves her responsibility; it's all beyond her control. It's all part of the fantasy; no lie can last forever. But as long as it lasts, she'll cling to it with everything she has.

And she is clinging with every ounce of energy that she has.

Next quote:

... but we lie loudly to ourselves, saying the divorce would be for our spouse's good, that we just want to let them be happy with someone else too.

Just yesterday wife told me that I do not love her. Can you imagine that? Of course you can, but hearing her say it came as a shock to me. She is saying that the divorce is for my good as well.

You have no idea how helpful you have been (to me at least). My divorce may indeed occur, but regardless of where we end up, I will continue to bust my A$$ trying to slow it down.

I will admit that there are no shortages of moments when I am tempted to hang it up. But all it takes is to hear my one of my kid's voices in the other room to make me believe that it is all worth the effort. I may be losing my share of battles, but I intend to win this war.

[SallyM]

prodigal, I just have to say, thank you for your openness. your candor is much appreciated by those of us who have been on the other end of things.

let me ask you, you said your H was open about not wanting divorce, but also firm about not wanting anything to do with you until you came home/gave up OM. my question is, did you not talk at all then until you gave up OM? if you did, was he friendly on the phone, but more like an aquaintence? did you guys talk about your personal lives...not meaning om, but meaning day to day stuff?