Newbie Needing Direction from Veterans--Help!

[justaboutdone]

I originally posted this in the Newcomer's forum but someone who responded mentioned that it sounded like a MLC (H35) so I thought maybe someone here could help.

Original Story -- I've been Dbing for 6 months now. I got the first bomb in early November 2006 (He claimed his life would be so much better without me) I did all the typical wrong begging pleading stuff for three months. Then I got a second more concrete bomb in early February. (He said he couldn't stand me and wanted to date other people -- I am 99.999% sure there is no one else. His time is pretty accounted for.)

That week I was prescribed anti-anxiety meds and read DR. I finally expressed to him that he had to do what would make him happy and I wasn't going to stop whatever he felt like he needed to do. The meds helped me control my pleading and I was able to DR pretty effectively.

We are in a bit of debt and he wanted to sit down and "crunch" the numbers. I happily sat and listened and we basically agreed that because of the debt we could not afford to maintain 2 households so we would have to live together until we could pay down some of the debt. The next day we went to see our marriage counselor for one last visit to discuss how we should tell our children (son 10 and daughter 4)

We were trading off sleeping on the couch and in our bed for about a week but after that counseling session where later even the counselor said how impressed he was with the level of loving detachment I expressed, my husband seemed to come a little closer. He started calling me again for no reason and even climbed back into our bed with me. We started hanging out together again and seemed to get along really well. We went on a weekend away that we had planned prior to the second bomb and even continued having sex on a regular basis. My dbing efforts seemed to be paying off. He wouldn't tell me he loved me or make any promises but we seemed to be going in a good direction.

In late February he was given the opportunity to purchase an antique truck from a family friend. It has alway been his biggest dream to own a truck (which to some extent I had squelched) and this truck was in perfect condition and a real steal. However, in making the decision to purchase the truck we got further away from the goal of paying off the debt which bothers him tremendously. It seemed since making the decision to purchase the truck he has slowly moved closer to me with the occasional backslide from me or pulling back from him. There was one major time just before he was to pay for the truck that he decided he would not get it and he would take his savings, retirement, and sell his vehicle to pay off the debt and be out of my life by the end of the year. At first I tried to convince him that he was giving up on a huge opportunity to fulfill his biggest dream. Then I backed off and told him it was his life and he needed to do what was best for him. That same week the guy selling the truck called and wanted to seal the deal. My husband, wanting the truck so badly and not wanting to go back on his word, agreed to send the money that week.

After that (about the end of May) he moved even closer. We went back to the marriage counselor (although he is VERY quiet in the sessions and says they are more for me) and I even heard several unsolicited I love yous. However, he does periodically remind me that nothing has changed. Because of the debt he maintains that he does not have the choice to leave so therefore he does not have the choice to stay. And will go so far as to remind me that he is actually moving several thousand dollars in the other direction because of the truck.

This week has been particularly hard because I want to see him happy because he's achieving a life long dream (he goes to get the truck out of state next week) but he just seems sadder because he's "moving in the other direction." He's gone from saying things like he's happily married and he'll be here for me forever and ever to he was just playing nice because he's stuck with me.

Please give me some wise dbing advice or even a 2x4 because maybe I really need it. I don't know how to act because we have a fake marriage. Many times if you were a fly on the wall in our house you would not know there was anything wrong. I know I'm supposed to get a life which I'm really trying to focus on but the constant up and down is killing me. I keep getting sucked in and spit out. I can't stand this fake relationship we have right now. One minute he's professing his love and the next he's telling me he's just playing nice because he's stuck. I know I'm not supposed to believe anything he says and only half of what he does but then how do I believe anything??? I just am becoming more and more broken from this roller coaster of emotions. I'm only 36 but I'm starting to look "rode hard and put away wet" from the constant stress. I don't want to lose him–I think there's a good guy in there but he seems to think he doesn't have to make a decision until he's debt free which could be 2 years. One of his major complaints was that I was overly controlling so I've really backed off on that and part of me wonders if this is just his way of exercising control over me. He even says things like "you've only been unhappy for 9 months, talk to me in 13 years" which is how long we've been married.

Latest Struggles
How do you balance excepting the things you did wrong in your relationship and validating the hurtful things your spouse spews at you with your pride and the basic human need to protect yourself?

Sometimes all the heinous things my H has said and done to me just all come flooding back -- the almost daily rudeness, or saying he wants to date other people, or saying that he doesn't have to care about anyone but himself, and that he's only being nice (having sex, buying gifts, cuddling, spending lots of free time together) so we can be civil or how about "I don't even like you. I hope you don't get cancer but beyond that I could care less what happens to you."

How are we supposed to bounce back from those hurtful things? My friends think I'm a fool for having tolerated my H's issues for as long as I have (over 9 months on this seemingly neverending rollercoaster.) I'm starting to wonder if I'm fighting for my marriage because I must not think very highly of myself to tolerate this crap. Should I be setting boundaries about how he can treat me? Where is the line between trying to prevent your divorce by validating what your spouse spews at you and sticking up for yourself? I feel like I'm walking a fine line between trying to save my marriage and being The Doormat Of The Year.

Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks