My little glimmer of hope just fizzled out

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

After the "I'm going to give her 120%" and he not wanting to f*ck around on her I've only been having phone conversations with H about child support and finances.

Last Tuesday at lunch time I was running errands and stopping by my house to check on D13. I called H cell and left a VM about a matter he was supposed to be handling. My car does not have AC and it was around 100 degrees here, so when I finally get home I seen that D13 was still asleep and the house was a wreck. To say the least I was not too pleased with D13. H calls when I'm not in the best mood. He could tell by the tone in my voice when I was talking with him. I explained to him what was going on at the house. H calls later and asks me if I was mad at him. I told him I wasn't and I immediately apologized for being short with him on the phone earlier and that I didn't mean to take it out on him if it sounded that way. This is a major 180 for me, to apologize to H and to really mean it. It came so naturally.

Today, I took the morning off due to my back hurting. H calls me as I was taking D18 to her grandma's. H asks me why I was not at work and I explained it to him. H said he wanted to talk to me about something and asks if I could meet him at the house. I told him sure. I met him and what he told me could have been said over the phone (it was about the matter he is handling). H then asks me about my back and if he could rub it. So he begins to rub my back and then one thing led to another and we are in my bed

I don't understand what is going on. The last time we ended up in bed he told me he would never ask me to do that again. Well, I guess in around about way he didn't ask but we still ended up having sex. And the one thing that bothers me is he wants to leave immediately after.

Friends have told me that he is comfortable having sex with me. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to make him feel safe when he comes to my house without it appearing that I'm pursuing. That's my biggest fear, I don't want to be seen as pursuing but I do want him to know that I still love him and want him to feel comfortable in the home.